We live every day in near-sobbing relief that social media didn’t really get big on even a campus-wide scale until we were almost out of college. Would you like to read about the time we got ourselves and a dozen underclassmen in our charge sent to Judicial Services for putting shaving cream and glitter on the testicles of the Europa & the Bull statue? Because we would’ve shrieked about that injustice via whatever means we had available to us — to say nothing of the time our tap teacher sent us back to change for wearing a tie-dyed Spider-Man T-shirt to a performance* ... or the time our film professor flunked us in a critique because we said a classmate’s 10-minute close-up of his blinking eye watching CNN was not a “profound meditation on the human condition.”

You want to talk parking tickets? Our roommate almost didn’t graduate because of a FIVE-FIGURE BILL she owed to university parking services for parking in the staff lot every day, because she thought separate faculty parking facilities were class warfare.

With that in mind, here are hypothetical (so far) situations we would rather be writing about than the Twitter account of 20-year-old Johnny Manziel:

What's that? You were wondering exactly how many days until the start of the NFL season? Well, you're in luck! We here at the Triangle are set to spend the next three months providing a daily reason to get excited about pro football's return.

I'm pretty sure the video says everything, but in case you forgot, here's Adrian Peterson’s 2012, coming back from a shredded knee and with a sports hernia: 2,097 yards, 12 rushing touchdowns, 131.1 yards per game, 6.0 yards per carry, 3.93 yards per carry after contact, 44 broken tackles, 40 runs of 15 or more yards, and the most not-surprised-by-anything-he-does season a running back has had since I’ve been alive.

Just a reminder, Adrian Peterson is Wolverine.

An army appears to be advancing on Dr. Babik’s bouncy castle …

The U.S. Open Cup third-round game between the Richmond Kickers and D.C. United has gone to penalties, and I’ve wandered down from the press box to hover with my camera behind one of the goals. Above me, a scoreboard glowers news of the stalemate beside a rickety looking telephone pole straight from Kinshasa, while on the far side of the field a packed home section of fans are being encouraged by a large kangaroo mascot to cheer the Kickers on.

Kickeroo has a sly sense of humor. Earlier, when the match officials had emerged from beneath the giant, empty 10,000-seat stand on the far side of the field that houses the locker rooms, the Richmond mascot had jazz-handed their blushing entrance onto the scene as though the world was watching. But now, even Kickeroo is caught up in the possibility that a reeling D.C. United team, which has capped 120 minutes of unremarkable scoreless soccer with two red cards in the second period of extra time, might be on their way out of the Cup. His fake-furred hands are vigorously waving the crowd on despite the humid heat evening, while in the background, a small but vocal D.C. United support hastily relocates to the other end of the stadium where the penalty shootout is taking place.

I catch sight of the bouncy castle (provided by local dentist and team sponsor Dr. Babik) up in the far right of the City Stadium grounds. The scene is one straight out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail — with the castle about to be taken forcibly by a small army of “Barra Bravas” and “Screaming Eagles” defiantly crashing past the “No alcohol beyond this point” sign.

Jalen Rose and Bill Simmons question NBA draft prospect Alex Len about his injury, his adjustment to life in America, and his girlfriend, who can dunk. Check out a short clip below, followed by Brett Koremenos’s scouting report and the full-length video. Watch all the NBA Job Interviews here. And be sure to watch this space for more NBA Job Interview videos, featuring Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, and some of the best young talents from the 2013 NBA draft class.

The Boston Bruins are starting to look unstoppable. After shutting down the Chicago Blackhawks on Monday night, they hold a 2-1 series lead in the Stanley Cup final heading into Game 4 at home tonight. They’re two wins away from a championship that would cap off one of the most impressive playoff runs in recent history.

A quick recap: In the first round, the Bruins beat the Toronto Maple Leafs. Since then, they’ve found themselves facing the New York Rangers, Pittsburgh Penguins, and now the Blackhawks. Or, to put those matchups in some perspective: last year’s top seed in the East, this year’s top seed in the East, and this year’s top seed overall.

Heading into tonight’s action, here’s how those teams have fared against Boston:

Without putting too fine a point on it, those numbers don’t make any sense. How could the Bruins be rolling over three of the best teams in the NHL so easily, when they needed a historic Game 7 comeback just to survive against a very average Toronto team?

Or, to rephrase the question in a more intriguing way: Is it possible that the Leafs knew something that everyone else has missed?

The good news is that, as a Maple Leafs fan, I watched that first-round series closely. The bad news is that, as a Maple Leafs fan, my therapist has ordered me never to discuss it again. So if he asks, the next few thousand words never happened.

I floated a version of the question — What the hell happened in that Leafs series? — on Twitter a few nights ago. Here are some of the most common theories I got back in response, and my thoughts on whether there could be some truth to them.

The theory: Obviously the Leafs are the second-best team in the league!

The explanation: Right now, the Bruins look like the best team in the league. And since the Leafs were the only team to come close to beating them, then logically that would mean …

Does it make sense?: No. Also, this is stupid. Next.

In the end, the quietest man on the field made the loudest statement. Jozy Altidore, who has stopped speaking to the media, scored in the 73rd minute to give the United States men's national team a 1-0 victory over Honduras in Sandy, Utah's Rio Tinto Stadium. The win, which leaves the Americans on top of the final "Hexagonal" round of CONCACAF World Cup qualifying with 13 points after six of 10 games, exacts a measure of revenge for February's loss in San Pedro Sula and virtually assures the team a place in Brazil.

If an international soccer team is measured by results — which it is — Tuesday night was nothing other than a success. Combine the victory with a friendly win over Germany and two qualifying triumphs against Jamaica and Panama, and Jurgen Klinsmann's squad has had a damn fine month. It is, after all, impossible to earn more than nine points in three World Cup qualifiers. Sixteen points will almost certainly be enough for one of CONCACAF's automatic slots and 19 points definitely will. Qualification could easily come at home in September against Mexico, which would be sweet indeed.

If an international soccer team is measured by one game — which it also is — the match in Utah was less successful. The Stars and Stripes did not play as sharply in Real Salt Lake's home as they did a week ago in front of 40,000 Seattle Sounders faithful. The team created a number of chances, especially in the second half, and was unlucky not to score earlier, but it also looked out of sorts against a personnel-depleted yet stout opponent. Whereas Panama came out and attempted to take the game to the U.S., the Catrachos forced the Americans to try to break them down. The first half turned into a war with failed crosses minimizing any scoring opportunities.

There have been other recent Finals games that have reached a special place where you throw off the analyst hat, close the laptop, and just take it all in with a wide-eyed giddiness and a tension so profound it surprises you. A few that stand out: Boston’s Game 4 comeback from 24 down against the Lakers in 2008; the Mavs’ rally in Miami in Game 2 of the 2011 Finals, a Dirktastic comeback that began after the Heat prematurely gloated on the bench; both Game 2 (Courtney Lee’s missed layup at the buzzer) and Game 4 (Derek Fisher and overtime) of the Lakers-Magic Finals in 2009; the Lakers using unattractive but gutty brute force to rally from 13 down to win Game 7 over Boston three years ago; and Game 5 between Detroit and San Antonio in 2005 — the “Robert Horry Game,” and one of the most underrated great games in league history. Heck, even Games 2 and 4 of last year’s Finals — Durant’s game-tying miss and the controversial non-call in Game 2, Russell Westbrook’s furious 43 points and LeBron’s cramping in Game 4 — were pretty damn awesome.

But in terms of the stakes at hand, the palpable urgency, and the overall quality of play, this was the greatest Finals game since … I’m not sure when. There are a couple of Utah-Chicago games from the 1997 and 1998 Finals that have a place in the discussion, especially the Jordan Flu/Food Poisoning Game, but if you prefer last night’s elimination thriller to that legendary non-elimination game, then you have to reach back into the peak Jordan-Bird-Magic years to find something that compares. That’s how great this game was. I can still barely process it.

The baseball season is a long and lonely road. To preserve his sanity, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter keeps a diary. These are excerpts from The Captain's private journal.

Wednesday, June 12: at Oakland Athletics

Baseball is a game of manners. Of grace and class. Of respect for competition.

It's also a game of rules.

But not all of the rules are written down in the official rulebook. There are unwritten rules, and they're just as important as the official ones. Don't bunt to break up a no-hitter. Don't steal signs from second base or from a center-field camera in Toronto. Don't dramatically flip your bat, stand at home plate, and admire your Yankee Stadium home run if you are an aging designated hitter enjoying a suspicious career resurgence for a division rival, because when you return to your locker you'll find that your street clothes have been mysteriously covered in a mixture of pudding and Ripped Fuel. No one's going to hand you a book explaining these. You live and you learn that you just have to throw out the suit covered in the pudding-fuel, because that's never coming out, it doesn't matter how much you simonize it.

So much amazing is happening, and the Shootaround crew is here to help you keep track of it all. You'll find takes on moments you might've missed from the previous night, along with ones you will remember forever.

10 Thoughts Written Less Than a Minute Afterward

Brian Phillips:

1. I don't know. I don't. I do. Not. Know.

2. That was. What do you even. How would you.

3. I want to see Kawhi Leonard's Blood Meridian of a dunk on Mike Miller depicted in the most fevered Cormac McCarthy prose you could possibly imagine. "And then rising from the hard planks like a pheasant startled by shot the cornrowed elongated youth swung down his arm and it was as if fire fell with his swing and truth fell with it and something fell too that was neither fire nor truth but that could perhaps have been called beauty and that was more terrible than fire or truth by far."

(All basketball GIFs by @HeyBelinda)

4. I want to see Mike Miller's shoe given its own display case in the Hall of Fame.

5. I want John Donne to motherfucking come back from the grave and rewrite "Death Be Not Proud" about Tim Duncan, who is older than sand and who played most of that game like he just cold forgot it. Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, and that's only the first half.

6. Tony Parker's penultimate minute of the fourth quarter. There are no verbs. He killed all the verbs. You've just got: Tony Parker. Ball. Trajectory. Ninety-nine nervous breakdowns. Net.

7. I want to see Ray Allen's 3 at the end of regulation given its own display case in the Hall of Fame. And I want the placard text to be about Danny Green. And I want the rest of the Hall of Fame closed forever.

8. There's going to be a Game 7 in the series. Just sit with that for a second.

9. How can you even. I mean. Where do you find the.

10. Basketball is a drug.

There's something about big-league debuts in baseball that makes them different than first games in any sport. Maybe it's the anticipation built up through years of minor league toil. Maybe it's the wide range of possible outcomes, from no-hitters to Golden Sombreros. From Junior to Strasmas, baseball fans know to drop everything when a big-time rookie finally gets the call.

The promotions of Wil Myers and Zack Wheeler garnered a tiny fraction of the buzz reserved for the likes of Stephen Strasburg and Ken Griffey Jr. — rightfully so. But with both players getting their first taste of the show on the same day, there was no way we weren't going to watch.

Jalen Rose and Bill Simmons question NBA draft prospect Victor Oladipo about his improved jump shooting, the comparisons to Dwyane Wade, and his fear of crying on draft night. Check out a short clip below, followed by Brett Koremenos’s scouting report and the full-length video. Watch all the NBA Job Interviews, here. And be sure to watch this space for more NBA Job Interview videos, featuring Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, and some of the best young talents from the 2013 NBA draft class.

In case you were busy waiting up for the Premier League fixture list to be revealed (and who wasn't?) here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

• In an electric back-and-forth affair that will surely be remembered as an all-time classic, the Miami Heat stormed back from a late deficit to stave off elimination in the NBA Finals, forcing a Game 7 with a 103-100 overtime win over the San Antonio Spurs. LeBron James overcame a slow start and a number of late mistakes to lead the comeback with a triple-double, and Ray Allen's 3-pointer with 5.2 seconds remaining in regulation provided an iconic image for what is becoming an era-defining Finals. But I know why you all come to About Last Night, and it's not for the sort of game recap you can get anywhere else. It's for the big-time predictions. The sort of predictions that other people just won't make because they are too afraid. So here goes, ALN Game 7 prediction time: Game 7 will take place at AmericanAirlines Arena in Miami. Yeah, I said it. Both the Spurs and Heat will play in the game, which will be sanctioned by the rules of the NBA. You can take that to the bank, despite what the lamestream media would have you believe. The game they play will therefore be, wait for it, basketball. Nobody else will dare say it, so you have to hear it from me. The game will be televised on your local ABC affiliate. What? WHAT? I know. But it's going to happen. If you watch the game, you will see ads for White House Down starring Channing Tatum, and you will think to yourself, "Huh, I liked Independence Day, but should they really say, 'From the director of 2012?'" OHHHHH NO I DIDN'T. NO I DID NOT. But I did. Also, the Heat will win 132-65 when Gregg Popovich decides to rest his starters in preparation for the 2013-14 preseason opener against the Seattle Grizzles, leaving Tracy McGrady to play 48 minutes.
• The U.S. men's national team is on the verge of qualifying for the 2014 World Cup after Jozy Altidore fired them to a 1-0 qualifying win over Honduras. America currently sits two points clear at the top of the so-called Hexagonal that determines which three of the final six North American teams in contention qualify for automatic bids to the World Cup. "We just have to keep the hexagon on its current side and we will be in great shape," explained U.S. manager Jurgen Klinsmann after the match. "Once it gets momentum and starts rolling off of its point, everything can go into disarray." When asked if he was speaking metaphorically, Klinsmann responded, "No, momentum is a very real thing with shapes, and even flat-sided polygons can roll like circles if put on a steep enough hill."

What's that? You were wondering exactly how many days until the start of the NFL season? Well, you're in luck! We here at the Triangle are set to spend the next three months providing a daily reason to get excited about pro football's return.

I’ve learned in my two decades of attending professional sporting events that I have a tendency to inflate moments I witness. I’m sure Michael Jordan’s best playoff game wasn’t Game 1 in the first round against the Bullets in 1997, but because it was the first one I’d seen, it feels that way. When it comes to Colin Kaepernick’s performance in last year’s divisional round, which I watched from the Candlestick press box, I’m fairly confident my spot in the building didn’t skew what I saw that day.

The Packers were hapless, yes (hapless enough that they felt compelled to send their defensive coaching staff to Texas A&M to figure out the read option), but Kaepernick was also magnificent on his way to 444 total yards and a 49ers blowout.

With the way Kaepernick played last season, and with San Francisco’s trip to the Super Bowl, it doesn’t feel like the 25-year-old Nevada product has eight fewer starts than Russell Wilson. But he does. Kaepernick is only 10 starts into his career, but already, he feels like one of the more important assets in all of football. This is in part because he’s a high-caliber quarterback with a second-round price tag. But he already deserves evaluation independent of finances. His peers voted him the 81st-best player in a poll of players by the NFL Network. Let’s reiterate — that's based on six fewer starts than Ryan Tannehill has.

For the most part, the 49ers are positioned to continue the offensive success they enjoyed during Kaepernick’s limited stretch. Without Michael Crabtree, who played at a Pro Bowl level with Kaepernick under center, San Francisco’s passing game will likely hit some snags, but there are still plenty of pieces to fill out the 49ers offense. Kaepernick will be without his no. 1 target, but to go along with Anquan Boldin (who, the Niners are all too aware, has a little something left), Kaepernick still has the league’s best offensive line, one of its best tight ends, and a bevy of recently drafted weapons that are more likely to come into play this season.

Kaepernick’s performances following the win over Green Bay didn’t quite compare, but there was still something to watching him chew up yards and generally dominate on a postseason stage. He’s capable of plays only Robert Griffin III can match, and the idea of seeing it over a 16-game season should be enough to have anyone outside of Seattle looking forward to Sundays. There’s a chance those 10 games were the exception, but an offseason of Kaepernick taking reps as the starter and the Niners staff formulating game plans with him as the centerpiece should continue his success. Colin Kaepernick is likely here for the long haul, and by the end of this year, my guess is that we’ll all very used to it.

In our nation’s sports-obsessed capital, the Congressional Baseball Game is a serious affair. The balls are hard, the throwing is overhand, and the practices begin months in advance. The game is played on a major league field, in a major league stadium (Nationals Park, 11 blocks due south of the U.S. Capitol), in front of thousands of spectators. And, of course, the game is played between the two parties that have grappled for dominance in this town (and country) since the days of Abraham Lincoln.

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GRANTLAND NETWORK

The Jalen Rose Report with David Jacoby

By Grantland Network at 3:56 PM ET

Jalen and Jacoby break down all the NBA Finals story lines, including Danny Green's hot shooting, Manu's inconsistency, and Flo Rida's manager being banned from Games 6 and 7.

Listen to the full podcast here.