Thursday, March 8, 2012
About Last Night: Peyton's Gentlemen Callers
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Multiple sources reported that at least 12 of 32 NFL teams contacted Peyton Manning's representatives after he was released by the Colts. Two were misdials meant for Andrew Luck, three were pranks, and six were condolence calls from people who seemed to think that Manning had actually died. Rex Ryan was the twelfth caller, but he just kept repeating the words "chicken wannggggs" in a throaty whisper.
After the Lakers blew a 21-point lead to the Wizards, reports surfaced that players are concerned over head coach Mike Brown's x-and-o ability to design an offense. "He doesn't seem to understand that the X's and O's are supposed to be on different teams," said a Laker player who asked not to be identified. "And I wish he wouldn't waste every timeout drawing pictures of mascots having sex."
Derrick Rose's long jumper at the buzzer gave the Bulls a 106-104 win over the Bucks. After the game, Rose was ecstatic. "Coach Thibodeau called a timeout just before," he said, "but he basically spent the whole time drawing penises on the clipboard to try to make us laugh. So I decided I better hit a shot."
Three more schools punched their tickets to the Dance by winning conference tournaments: Lehigh, LIU Brooklyn, and Montana. Unfortunately, nobody in Montana has been allowed to dance since the governor made it a "communist activity" during the Red Scare, so the team is barred from participating.
Tournament committee chairman Jeff Hathaway held a teleconference during which he told reporters that Syracuse and Kentucky have the edge as the top two teams in the country. "Thanks, captain obvious," I said to myself, just now, since nobody invited me to the teleconference. In my imagination, all the other reporters laughed and said, "Hey, you're pretty cool, want to hang out at the journalism bar and tell stories?"
After a decade in exile, Temple is returning to the Big East for the 2012 season. When a school representative swung by to check out the Big East and say hey, he was all like, "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa … where did all the cool people go?" And UCF was all like, "Hey, you into pogs?" and Temple was like, "Kinda, but still, fuck."
Lionel Messi became the first player in Champions League history to score five goals in a match as Barcelona crushed Bayer Leverkusen 7-1 in the round of 16. Unfortunately, he has a really long way to go before he can think about breaking Wilt Chamberlain's record of 100 points in a game.
Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish, a much-hyped Japanese prospect, pitched his first two innings of spring training ball yesterday, giving up two doubles and striking out three in a decent outing. He used every weapon in his seven-pitch repertoire, including the pitch where he throws the ball over the batter's head and then rushes in to tackle him before he can get up, a classic Japanese intimidation move.
According to Mexican League Baseball officials, Jose Canseco admitted to taking a banned substance and won't play in the league as planned this season. The move was a huge disappointment to Mexican fans, who were hoping to enjoy Canseco's old-school antics before he inevitably said something stupid and was murdered by a cartel.
