Tuesday, March 20, 2012
About Last Night: Farewell to The Tebow
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Multiple sources reported that Peyton Manning has chosen the Denver Broncos. He first discussed the possibility with John Elway in a March 9 meeting, and the deal means that the Broncos will try to trade Tim Tebow once it becomes official. "Good," said Tebow, visibly angry. "Great. I needed a Judas for my story. Thanks, Elway. He's probably my Pontius Pilate too. Definitely Doubting Thomas. King Herod. Dismas the Thief. Also, Mary Magdalene — don't ask."
The Miami Dolphins signed quarterback David Garrard to a one-year deal, and told him he'd get a shot at the starting job. "Man, the press is going to freak out when they hear this," said Garrard, as he signed the contract. "This is going to be huge.
UNC point guard Kendall Marshall underwent successful surgery on Monday, with a screw being inserted into his fractured scaphoid bone. There is still no indication whether he will play on Friday against Ohio in the Sweet 16, but when asked to hazard a guess, Roy Williams said he thought it was unlikely. "And it's a daggum shame!" Williams said. "I been coaching with crawdad parts stuck in my rear end for 17 dang years, and he cain't play with no tiny lil screw?!"
A source reported that with the departure of Bruce Weber, Illinois' top coaching target is current VCU head coach Shaka Smart. "Noooopppe," said Smart. A source reported that Illinois' top coaching target is Butler coach Brad Stevens. "Ha!" said Stevens. A source reported that Illinois was all like, "Hey, anyone up for coaching?" and fired SMU coach Matt Doherty was like, "I'll talk if there's a free meal involved," and Illinois was like, "Son of a ... "
Mets ownership reached a deal in the Bernie Madoff fraud dispute, agreeing to pay $162 million and avoiding a civil trial in the process. "One million dollars for every game we'll lose this year," joked Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "Too soon?"
The Golden State Warriors retired Chris Mullin's jersey at halftime of a loss against the Timberwolves, but the ceremony was marred when fans wouldn't stop booing team owner Joe Lacob. "In hindsight," Lacob admitted, "it was a mistake to wear my Kobe jersey."
Tom Thibodeau became the fastest coach in NBA history to reach 100 wins as the Bulls drubbed the Magic 85-59 on the strength of Carlos Boozer's 24 points and 13 rebounds. "So what?" said a sweaty Stan Van Gundy, after the game. "I became the fastest coach to eat 100 bear claws back in '03. Took me the better part of three quarters. Biggggg whoop."
Sources reported that the Miami Heat and the Oklahoma City Thunder are both interested in signing Derek Fisher when he clears waivers later this week. "That's if he clears waivers," said LeBron James, trying to sound sinister. He stared at reporters for a few confusing seconds before asking if a waiver was like airport security, or what.
Tiger Woods tested out his left Achilles in an exhibition round Monday in Central Florida, and showed no ill effects of the tightness and pain he experienced nine days ago. "Couldn't be better," said Woods. "Unless there were nine strange women waiting in my bedroom, but that ship has sailed. And according to the Turkish captain, it's not sailing back until late August."