Thursday, April 26, 2012
About Last Night: The Cup Is Up For Grabs
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
There will be a new champion in the NHL! The Washington Capitals pulled off a stunning 2-1 overtime victory to beat the Boston Bruins in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs when Wild Joel Ward slammed home a rebound at 2:57 in the extra period. I know I've been tough on hockey in this space before, so I've decided to compose a little ode in honor of this great day:
Hockey, Hockey, I could kiss your face I never knew I'd get so lost in The comfort of your sweet embrace- Or is it just that I hate Boston?
Yeah, I think I just hate Boston Go to hell, hockey Sorry, that last part was unnecessary I can't skate
Michael Pineda, acquired by the Yankees from the Mariners for the organization's top prospect, Jesus Montero, is out for the year with a labrum tear. When he heard the news, Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik was "surprised." Yeah, it's so crazy, isn't it Jack? So nuts that you f***ed over the Yankees again, you underhanded prevaricating Starbuck-guzzling Chone Figgins-loving unnecessary-exotic-letter-having son of an oil baron. That's right -- I said your dad was an evil oil baron. Can I prove it? Who cares, Jack?! Who cares what we can prove anymore? A little bird told me Michael Pineda was healthy, and that little bird turned out to be a CARDINAL SINNER. PUN! YOU'VE REDUCED US TO PUNS, JACK! Oh, and guess what? The Yankees lost to the Rangers 7-3 because a series of objects named David Phelps and Clay Rapada and Cody Eppley pitched the whole miserable f***ing game. What a great day, Jack. What a great day in sports. Let's all just buy a pair of skates and wait for the ice age. Let's all just go to Canada and start being polite to authority. Let's just happily sit behind old ladies in traffic and pretend it's cute that they can't see over the dashboard. Thanks, Zduriencik, you commie Iago. You unrepentant fictionalist. You are a cloven-hoofed cretin and I hope you spill your next latte on the master computer that churns out fake health reports. (Nice job beating Detroit 9-1, though. Felix Hernandez is good.)
The Israeli professional basketball team Maccabi Bazan Haifa hired former Syracuse assistant Bernie Fine as a basketball consultant. "We're very pleased to have Bernie," said a Maccabi spokesman, standing in front of a really wide podium. "And we're also very pleased to have -- oohhhh -- his -- mmmmmm -- wife Laurie -- aghghgaghaaghaga -- here in -- GAAAAMMKKPPFFFFMMM- Israel."
Billy Butler hit two home runs and the Kansas City Royals beat the Cleveland Indians 8-2 to end a 12-game losing streak. Unfortunately, commissioner Bud Selig issued a controversial ruling dictating that, "nobody wins when you're in Cleveland," and the losing streak now stands at 13.
After a 102-95 loss to the Magic, the Charlotte Bobcats are now one loss away (Thursday vs. the Knicks) from finishing with the worst winning percentage in NBA history. "All I do is make hissssssstorrry skippity-bop-a-bam-bang-boo!" sang Michael Jordan, in his new bebop jazz hit single "Bobcattin'."
In the ongoing attempt to create a four-team playoff in college football, the BCS is now discussing the formation of a selection committee to pick the four teams. As of now, the proposed committee will consist of two representatives from the fifth-ranked team, and two from the fourth-ranked team. It seemed like the only fair way.
Metta World Peace faced the media Wednesday for the first time to discuss his vicious elbowing of James Harden. In order to help explain his actions, he brought a flip chart with illustrations and graphs reconstructing the event. But perhaps the most revelatory page came at the very end, where Artest wrote, "I BE CRAZY" in what was rumored to be dog's blood.
Mark Sanchez and Santonio Holmes took in a Knicks game together (a 99-93 win over the Clippers), and were booed throatily by the crowd at MSG. As the boos cascaded down, Sanchez quietly spoke into the microphone on his lapel, telling Tim Tebow to cancel the hilarious stunt where he descends from the rafters on wires wearing angel wings. "Do I have to just stay up here the whole game?" Tebow asked, but nobody responded.
Detroit receiver Calvin Johnson beat out Cam Newton for the honor of having his photo on the cover of Madden 13. Shortly after the announcement, John Madden showed up at Johnson's door wearing a bit and holding a fork and knife. "You know you're going to get hurt," he said. "It's the cover jinx. So we can either do this the hard way or the easy way. Your choice, Calvin." Johnson sent him away, and was still shaken that night when he wrote in his diary: "Pretty sure John Madden wanted to eat my leg today."
This week's Readers' Revenge is Your Best Prank. Send your best stories to tobaccordblues@gmail.com, and click the link if you have no idea what I'm talking about.
