Monday, May 7, 2012
About Last Weekend: Everything Coming Up Roses
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
A chestnut colt named I'll Have Another won the 138th Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Nobody was happier about the win than Rex Ryan, who celebrated deep into the night until someone told him that the horse wasn't named after his personal food motto. In related news, golfer John Daly is suing the horse for copyright infringement.
The defending NBA champions are out of the playoffs. James Harden scored 29 points and made several late baskets as the Thunder swept the Mavericks with a 103-97 Game 4 win. When he saw the result, a therapist in L.A. sighed, realizing that Metta World Peace would spend the full hour of this week's session expounding on his theory that his vicious elbow from two weeks ago gave Harden superpowers, and that the only way to reverse them is to elbow him again.
Elsewhere in the NBA playoffs, Boston took a 3-1 lead on Atlanta, the Bulls fell into a 3-1 hole against the 76ers, the Knicks salvaged Game 4 against the Heat to avoid a sweep, the Clippers played another stellar fourth quarter to go up 2-1 on the Grizzlies, the Pacers eked out an overtime win to take a 3-1 lead on the Magic, the Lakers went up 3-1 with a narrow win against the Nuggets, and the Spurs moved one game away from a sweep with a 102-90 win over the Jazz. Is it just me, or is Obama mostly to blame for all of this?
In NHL second-round action, the 8-seed Kings reached the Western Conference finals with a four-game sweep of the Blues, Dainius Zubrus scored two goals to give the Devils a 3-1 lead on the Flyers, the Capitals outlasted the Rangers 3-2 to even their series at two games apiece, and the Coyotes shut out the Predators 1-0 on Friday to take a 3-1 series lead. "We're really hoping we get a Predators-Devils final," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. "That way we can alienate religious people, parents, kids, and anyone who hates New Jersey. Then I'll finally squeeze some insurance out of this f------ money pit."
Brad Keselowski won at Talladega Superspeedway using a move in the final lap that he conceived of in a dream. When the race finished, Keselowski refused to get out of his car, telling his pit crew that this was the part where a giant alligator-like creature with Cher's head, Steve Buscemi's voice, and one of those weird Roman helmets carries him off to a subterranean prison colony where they harvest human bone marrow to fuel an army of robot ants.
After a miserable start to the season, Albert Pujols finally hit his first home run as an Angel, helping his new team to a 4-3 win over the Blue Jays. "I guess I'm finally a real Angel," Pujols said after the game. On a cloud thousands of miles in the air, a disheveled Archangel Gabriel threw an empty bottle of vodka toward the ocean, blew a discordant note on his trumpet, and slurred, "It ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Rickie Fowler earned his first PGA Tour victory at the Wells Fargo Championship, winning on the first playoff hole against Rory McIlroy. Despite the tense finish, the two players' dads took them out for fast food after, and Rickie and Rory seemed to be having a really great time in the McDonald's play pen.
Chris Davis, a DH, pitched two scoreless innings for the Orioles to help them overcome the Red Sox 9-6 in 17 innings. The Red Sox had outfielder Darnell McDonald on the mound, making this the first game since 1925 that both teams pitched a position player. And since Ty Cobb was involved in the '25 game, onlookers were happy to report that things were a lot less racist this time around.
After the Braves beat the Rockies 7-2 for a series sweep, Chipper Jones expressed his anger at Jamie Moyer's accusations that he steals signs and relays them to Braves hitters. However, it didn't help Chipper's cause that his rage was communicated in a highly complex series of coded hand gestures that only Dan Uggla could understand.
Augusta National member and billionaire investor Warren Buffett said he would reverse the club's policy and allow women to become members if he were in charge. "Helllll yeah!" said the increasingly crass Jimmy Buffett, who keeps tagging along and trying to pretend that he's related to Warren. "Bring on them laaaaaaa-dies, am I right, big bro? Welcome to the all-you-can-eat Buffett line!"