Thursday, May 31, 2012
About Last Night: Rondo Isn't Enough
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Despite Rajon Rondo's stellar performance — 44 points, eight assists, and 10 rebounds — the Miami Heat rallied from 15 points down to beat the Celtics 115-111 in overtime to take a 2-0 lead in the Eastern Conference Finals. On a sad note, LeBron James missed a potential game-winning shot at the end of regulation, and the part of his brain where he stores repressed memories of failing under pressure has reached what doctors call "the overflow point," meaning he will soon start to lose other crucial functions. When asked for his thoughts on the subject, James said, "SPAGHETTI! DOGS ARE LIBELOUS! FUN IS A SIMILAR IDEA TO CARDBOARD?"
Anze Kopitar scored a breakaway goal to give the Kings a 2-1 overtime win over the Devils in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. In accordance with hockey tradition, Kopitar then chose one Devils player to face actual sudden death, opting for little-used forward Jacob Josefson because he thought it would give his teammates a good laugh.
The New Orleans Hornets beat the odds to win the NBA draft lottery and secure the first pick on draft day in late June. "Meester Stern!" shouted Brooklyn Nets owner and Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov, in a phone call after he heard the news. "I am not angry! You vill come have plutonium dinner with me, yes? I mean chicken! Chicken dinner! Ha Ha! Plutonium is Russian word for chicken. I am not so terrific at the English, yes? But you are good man, Meester Stern. Please come to my house for unpoisoned plutonium. I mean chicken! Son of the bitch!"
The U.S. national team failed to capitalize on several strong offensive chances, and Brazil exploited their sloppy defense for a 4-1 win. It was always going to be a tough match for the Americans, but it didn't help matters that defender Steve Cherundolo kept samba dancing in front of the Brazilian forwards in a misguided attempt to prove he was cool.
Negotiations between Indiana and Kentucky to keep the historic basketball series alive have failed for a second time, and Hoosier athletic director Fred Glass sees little chance of reviving them. "They said they were going to send John Calipari himself to help us reach a deal," he said. "And instead they sent a horse named 'John Calipari Himself.' I don't I don't really know what to make of that. But I think it's not good."
Only a day after coming off the 15-day DL, Dodgers slugger Matt Kemp aggravated his hamstring while running the bases, and is set to have an MRI Thursday. Doctors attempted to soothe the hamstring with kind words, but to no avail. "He keeps running on me," said the hamstring. "While I'm injured. Does that sound insane to anyone else?! Am I crazy?! You'd be aggravated too."
The Seattle Mariners, who came in with one of the league's weakest offenses, exploded againstthe Rangers for a 21-8 win. Several pundits compared the final tally to a football score, leading to a long, collective, bitter laugh from Seahawk nation, along with Pete Carroll's first erection in months.
Carlos Gonzalez hit three home runs in three consecutive at-bats to lead the Rockies past the Astros 13-5. "So what?" said Astros shortstop Jed Lowrie. "I cried in three consecutive at-bats. Do you see me bragging? No, you see me crying." Lowrie sniffled. "Seriously, does anybody have tips on how to stop crying? It's killing me."
49ers coach Jim Harbaugh insisted that despite considering the possibility of signing Peyton Manning, the team always planned to have Alex Smith as its starting quarterback. "We were just going to change Peyton's name to 'Alex Smith,'" Harbaugh explained, "and make Alex change his name to 'Miss Holly Anne Second-Best.' But you media types run off with your crazy stories and twist everything around!"
Rockies pitcher Jamie Moyer, the oldest major league player at age 49, has been designated for assignment. Manager Jim Tracy was forced to lie and tell Moyer they were going to a garage sale in order to get him in the car, at which point he drove him to a nursing home in the Denver suburbs. "I felt a little guilty, especially when he looked so confused at the door," Tracy admitted. "But the truth is, he'll forget the whole conversation by tonight."