Tuesday, June 5, 2012
About Last Night: The Thunder Rolls
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Kevin Durant scored 27 points and James Harden nailed two clutch fourth-quarter 3s to give the Thunder a 108-103 win over the Spurs and a 3-2 lead in the Western Conference Finals. "We couldn't hit the big shots," said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. "It's too bad we couldn't get a Harden of our own. We're a little old, and let's face it, it's not easy to get a Harden anyway. Hey, why is everyone giggling? It's not funny. When things got close and the pressure was on, we were soft. Maybe we were anxious, maybe it was a physical issue. But I can't put it any more bluntly: We needed a Harden. We're not the first team to face this problem, and we won't be the last. But I'll tell you this much — we're not getting a Harden this year. We definitely won't get one Wednesday in Oklahoma. In fact, we'll have to face one, which is terrifyi— OK, seriously, guys, what's the joke?"
Jonathan Quick made 22 saves as the L.A. Kings moved one game away from a Stanley Cup title with an emphatic 4-0 win over the Devils. "Hey, is it me, or is this guy's name a little too close for comfort?" asked deceased Anglo-Irish satirist Jonathan Swift. "If it's just me, I'll shut up. But if I'm right? Watch out, because I'm going to satirize the ever-loving shit out of him."
With the first pick of the MLB draft, the Houston Astros selected shortstop Carlos Correa. Luckily, authorities were on hand to confiscate his shoelaces and belt when the news broke.
A day after Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo told Doris Burke that the Heat were "complaining and crying to the referees in transition," Heat coach Eric Spoelstra downplayed the insult, saying he "couldn't care less about what another player has to say about our team." He then locked himself in the office, where reporters could hear the word "mommy" being wailed for the next 45 minutes before he emerged holding a Pokemon lunchbox and wearing pajamas with footies.
Oakland rookie Jarrod Parker carried a no-hit bid into the eighth inning and finished with six strikeouts in a 12-1 win over the Rangers. "I felt good," said Parker, "but finally Ron Washington got in my head. He kept chewing at me. I know that doesn't make sense, but I can't describe it any other way."
Elian Herrera hit an RBI single in the ninth off Jonathan Papelbon to lead the Dodgers to a 4-3 win over the Phillies. "Oh man," said deceased Anglo-Irish satirist Jonathan Swift. "Another Jonathan? That's it. Ol' Mr. Pensy's gonna take a trip to Dr. Inkwell to get a prescription for some hardcore motherf---ing satirization, if you know what the f--- I'm saying. This sorry homeboy is about to get clowned by a dude who wakes up and drinks satire sauce out of a f---ing jug. I'm going to lower the sonic boom, and by boom I mean satire, and by sonic I mean everybody best get the f--- out of my way because Cool Jon-Jon Swift is ready to light some curtains on fire just to spite the windows. AWWWWOOOOOGGGA!"
In fourth-round action at the French Open, Rafa Nadal, Andy Murray, and Jo-Wilfried Tsonga advanced to the quarterfinals on the men's side, and Maria Sharapova reached the quarters in the women's draw. Nadal's match was relatively easy, but there was one scary moment in the third set when the clay count in his veins reached critical levels and he had to receive an emergency clay transfusion on the court. "I'm totally fine now," said Nadal, puffs of clay misting from his mouth with every word.
Casey Martin, who made news 14 years ago when he rode a cart at the U.S. Open due to a birth defect that makes it painful to walk, made the tournament field again yesterday after shooting 69 in an Oregon qualifying event. Martin was thrilled at his accomplishment, and said he plans to terrorize Bubba Watson by following him around in the cart all tournament long.
A pair of 40-year-old boxers, "Sugar" Shane Mosley and Winky Wright, announced their retirements from boxing on Monday. They'll now be known by their new names, Wrinkly Wright and "I Can't Have Sugar" Shane Mosley.
NASCAR driver Kurt Busch has been suspended for this weekend's race at Pocono Raceway due to threatening comments he made to Sporting News reporter Bob Pockrass. When Pockrass asked if a prior suspension kept him from confronting another driver, Busch said, "it refrains me from not beating the s--- out of you right now because you ask me stupid questions." From the text of the story, it appears he used the word refrains when he meant restrains, but the transcription was unreliable due to the 15 crawdads Busch had shoved into his mouth.