Thursday, June 14, 2012
About Last Night: A Giant Show of Perfection
By Shane Ryan
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Matt Cain threw the 22nd perfect game in major league history, striking out 14 in a 10-0 Giants win over the Astros. "He was just too good tonight," said Astros catcher Chris Snyder, who hits .188 and was waiting until he finished his stick of chewing gum before attempting to walk out of the locker room. "Hey, this might be a stupid question, but uh when do you know that a piece of gum is actually finished? It seems to just be staying there. Does it go away, or just — ooh boy, getting a little panicky here. Mind is racing. Emergency. Where's my crisis blanket? WHERE'S MY CRISIS BLANKET!" When Snyder tried to stand up, he immediately tripped due to coordination issues, and the gum slipped from his mouth. "Now that was a close call!" he said, grinning in relief from the floor. "You fooled 'em again, Snyder. You fooled 'em again. Hey, but seriously, where's my crisis blanket?"
The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency notified Lance Armstrong that they'll be filing charges that could strip him of all seven Tour de France titles. And if famously intense prosecutor Gerhardt Fassbinder has his way, Armstrong could also be stripped of his pants. "Cheaters should not have pants!" yelled Fassbinder, who runs a blog of the same name. "We must know them by sight!"
In a meeting of BCS conference commissioners in Chicago, a four-team college football playoff continued to receive the most attention, though multiple options still remain on the table. When asked it it was jealous about the attention the four-team playoff was receiving, the 256-team playoff option just shrugged. "I guess, a little," it said. "But let's face it, I'm no good. I'm just a waste of everyone's time." It was a disconcerting statement from an option that recently underwent a rigorous year of therapy, and had seemed to recover its self-esteem after interacting positively with the other options at a Memorial Day picnic.
A judge ruled that Floyd Mayweather must stay in jail for the duration of his three month sentence, despite the boxer's claim that bad food and water are ruining his health and threatening his career. The judge also ruled that Mayweather must stop dramatically fainting every time he enters the prison cafeteria, because it's clearly some kind of act. His attorneys agreed, on the condition that he still be allowed to spit the food out after one taste and say, "Oh my GOD, you guys."
The WBO announced that it will review Timothy Bradley's win over Manny Pacquaio from this past weekend in response to the controversy over the unpopular decision. "Rest assured that if we find any evidence of foul play, that scumbag Timothy Bradley will be banned for life," said a WBO representative, to which Bradley was like, "whoa, wait a second "
In Euro 2012 action, Mario Gomez scored two goals as Germany topped the Netherlands 2-1. But in order to stabilize the unsteady tournament, Germany was forced to give both goals to Greece, who demanded to stay in the tournament despite never scoring but who resented accepting goals from Germany and protested the- aw, hell, guys, I'm just pulling your leg. None of this true. I was just trying to make Euro 2012 sound like the European Union financial situation as a joke, but you caught me. Nobody is giving goals to anyone else. It's time for me to settle down and start getting practical. No more stupid jokes.
The Reds beat the Indians in a baseball game. It was a hard-fought battle of two baseball teams.
Curtis Granderson's two-run homer gave the Yankees a 3-2 win over the Braves and a series sweep. The Yankees are now in first place by by oh GOD I CAN'T DO IT I'M TOO WEAK. "Grandy's dandy, but liquor's quicker," said A-Rod, trying to sound gruff and cool just before he took a really small sip of peach liqueur from a child's thermos.
In a U.S. Open practice round at The Olympic Club, Alvaro Quiros aced the 288-yard par-4 seventh hole for a rare "albatross." Later, Rory McIlroy got an even rarer "pigeon" on the 486-yard par-5 17th, which is when you hit a pigeon with the ball and it dies.