In case you were rocking a CFL jersey in court, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts once again used their comeback magic to eke out a 30-27 win over the Tennessee Titans. "Wow, we were pretty fortunate to get that win," Luck said after the game. When asked by reporters to phrase his comments another way, Luck replied, "It was a hell of a fortuitous outcome, that's for sure. Chance favored us, as we were blessed with kismet." When asked again to phrase what he was saying in perhaps a simpler and more headline-friendly way, Luck said, "Oh, I see. Well, I would say we struck gold with this team. I would say the win was in the cards. Some may say we caught the breaks, that our run has been a fluke, that the gods were smiling upon us, that victory and my team were joined by serendipity. I mean, we got horseshoes on our helmets and clovers in our pockets, so what would you expect?" Luck then glared at the assembled media and added, "Suck it, for me."
Andre Iguodala's buzzer-beater was the difference as the Golden State Warriors beat the Oklahoma City Thunder, 116-115, in a riveting Western Conference battle. "Another tough loss, but we're so close," an optimistic Kevin Durant said at the postgame press conference. "I mean, we're just one player away from being really good. And it's no one's fault that we don't have that guy. This front office and ownership group has only made smart decisions." Durant then went to take a sip of water, when things went horribly awry. Durant started shooting sparks out of his mouth, and saying in a horrific robotic voice, "FAILURE, ROBOTIC FAILURE, MUST POWER DOWN, WHY WOULD YOU PROGRAM ME TO FEEL PAIN?" before collapsing to the ground and bursting into flames. Suddenly, a human Durant burst into the room yelling, "They drugged me! They didn't want me to talk," before looking at his robotic double dying on the ground at his feet. "You tried to play God, you monsters!" Durant yelled, as he held his robot double's head in his hands. "All to save a couple million bucks on the Harden deal. This robot must have cost that much. Curse you, Clay Bennett! Curse you!"
August may be the lowliest sports month of all, but we've got ourselves a fantastic little weekend of professional baseball. Feast your eyes, perk your ears, and open your hearts: It's list time.
10. The Battle for Tejas (TEX-HOU)
For so long, we've watched a pair of mighty franchises duel for the hearts and minds of the Lone Star state. One, the Rangers, has been an American League force for years, and even came within a hair's breadth of winning a World Series in 2011. The other is the Houston Astros. One is a perennial heavyweight, boasting big hitters, strong young arms, and the quirky managerial style of Ron Washington. The other is the Houston Astros. One is owned by a great icon of the game, Nolan Ryan, a crusty old maverick surrounded by young geniuses building a dynasty with good old-fashioned Texas grit. The other is the Houston Astros. When these rivals collide this weekend, loyalties across the state will be torn, and only one team will emerge with bragging rights in the mightiest state in the union. There's no way to know who will triumph, but I can tell you this: It won't be the Astros.
Mike Trout should have won the American League Most Valuable Player award. He didn't, for reasons ranging from Cabrera winning the Triple Crown (a three-stat measure that conveniently leaves out a whole host of factors that point to Trout's season trumping Cabrera's) to Cabrera's team making the playoffs while Trout's went home (the Angels won more games than the Tigers, and basing an individual award based on the quality of a player's teammates is interesting) to Cabrera putting up better numbers down the stretch (as if wins don't matter in May, June, and July).
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Randy Foye hit five 3-pointers to lead the Jazz to a 95-86 win over the Lakers, who are now 1-4 on the year. After the loss, Dwight Howard embraced head coach Mike Brown in the locker room and gave him some words of encouragement. "I appreciate that, Dwight," said a clearly moved Brown, who then walked to the media room with a bull's-eye taped to his back.