In case you were busy doing hilarious takes to a nonexistent camera when your friends and associates said absurd things, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
In a conclusion to a magnificently contested series that makes me wish to wax poetic, the San Antonio Spurs overcame a poor shooting night from their backcourt to oust the Golden State Warriors from the NBA playoffs with a 94-82 Game 6 win. Despite its premature end, twas a series in which all of the participants were worthy of the title warrior, even those generals who bestrode the sideline battling with their wits rather than their bodies. Sing oh muses of the ankle of Steph Curry, son of Dell, which brought countless ills first to his enemies, and then to himself! Such was the sovereign doom of a cursed team, and the will of Stern writ large: There shall be contested yet between famed warriors The Bron and Timothy Who Dunks a Finals that shall split the world in twine!
In a non-conclusion to an adequately contested series that makes me wish to speak plainly, the Knicks kept their hopes of an Eastern Conference finals showdown with Miami alive, beating a depleted Pacers team, 85-75, at Madison Square Garden. "Just taking it one day at a time," said Knicks coach Mike Woodson after the game, "because if we do more than that we'll become aware that the winner of this series gets the Heat and oh, no that's terrible! The winner of this series gets the Heat! Oh no, they have LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Oh man, they also have Chris Bosh. Why did I stop taking it one day at a time? Why?"
The Brooklyn Nets took care of business at home, beating the Chicago Bulls, 110-91, to force a return trip to Chicago. Brook Lopez, who led the Nets with 28 points and added 10 rebounds, said after the game, "I dedicated my game to fellow tall Stanford alumnus and twin, Jason Collins, for his bravery today. I have nothing but love." Lopez then hung his head and added, "Unfortunately, I let him down by amassing a large number of points and rebounds. If you're listening, Jason, I'm sorry. But also, I'm really proud of you. I'll try to contribute in fewer tangible ways next game."
In case you were busy letting yourself go after realizing that a late push for a role in Pain & Gain was a fool's errand, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
In a battle of red-hot Eastern Conference foes, Carmelo Anthony and the New York Knicks outdueled John Wall and the Washington Wizards, 120-99, securing their first division title since 1994. The Knicks drilled 20 3-pointers in the win, their 13th in a row. This game came one day after Knicks legend Bernard King was finally inducted into the Hall of Fame. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat's Dwyane Wade announced that he's likely out of action until the playoffs begin. Additionally, the weather in New York was perfect, with sunshine and highs in the low 80s. Am I blaming this run of Knicks good fortune on global warming? No. But am I blaming global warming on the Knicks' unprecedented run? Maybe.
The Los Angeles Lakers beat the New Orleans Hornets, 104-96, to move back into the no. 8 spot in the Western Conference playoff race. Kobe Bryant was sensational in the win, scoring 23 of his 30 points in the fourth quarter. "You know what they say about Kobe; he's a closer," said Lakers center Dwight Howard after the game. "Well, that's what Kobe says about Kobe when he refuses to let me have any coffee in the clubhouse."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Russell Wilson's last-second Hail Mary pass fell into the arms of well, it fell into the arms of M.D. Jennings, who plays for the Packers, but the replacement refs awarded Golden Tate a touchdown, upheld it on review, and the Seahawks won 14-12. Luckily, About Last Night was able to obtain a transcript of a post-game phone call between head referee Wayne Elliott and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Adam Jones bashed an 11th-inning home run to lead the Orioles past the Mariners 3-1 and give the club its 15th straight extra-innings win, the longest streak in MLB since Cleveland won 17 straight in 1949. "I see what's happening here," said 1949 Indians manager Lou Boudreau, in hell. "My soul's not good enough for you anymore, is that it?" Satan sighed. "It's not like that, Lou," he said. "But I'm the devil and the devil gots to get his soul on, you know?" Boudreau frowned. "Oh, don't start talking like you're some big hot shot. Fine, run off with some younger soul, see if it makes you happy." Boudreau crossed his arms and turned away, and Satan fumed. "Maybe I will!" he shouted. "And maybe he'll actually put some effort into the meals he cooks for me! I'm sick of eating this creamed corn every goddamn night. This creamed corn is shit, Lou! It's shit!" At that, Boudreau broke down in tears and ran away when Satan tried to awkwardly apologize.
The baseball season is a long and lonely road. To preserve his sanity, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter keeps a diary. These are excerpts from The Captain's private journal.
Now that the All-Star Game is in the rearview mirror, I guess it's safe to tell the truth: Any player who's already been to more than one of those things would rather have a couple extra days of vacation than have to show up for it. Except me, naturally — it's always a huge honor to be selected and to play alongside the best in the league, especially now that we're out there battling for home-field advantage. I'm not going to be one of those ingrates who complains about how he could be in St. Barts, or Bora Bora, or recharging his batteries at his 30,000-square-foot compound in Florida. Playing baseball for a living is a blessing, and it would be crazy not to appreciate every single bonus moment of competition you're lucky enough to have the fans impose on you while most of your teammates were left home to nurse their sore hammies or strained obliques so that they can come out of the gate strong for the second half. You have to savor those extra innings you're asked to play in the sweltering mid-July heat, for a manager you're probably going to face for the pennant. It's a great gift every time. Especially when you're a veteran who doesn't know how many more chances you might get to re-experience something you've done 13 or so times before.
When Arizona Diamondbacks managing general partner Ken Kendrick joined Phoenix radio station XTRA-910 for an interview Tuesday, he had no plans to hold back. Kendrick wasn't happy with the way his team was playing, and he had particular pointed comments for two of his employees: Stephen Drew and Justin Upton.
"You know, I'm going to be real direct about Stephen," Kendrick said regarding Stephen Drew, the team's usual starting shortstop who's been out since July 2011 with a serious ankle injury. "I think Stephen should have been out there playing before now. And, frankly, I for one am disappointed. I'm going to be real candid and say I think Stephen and his representatives are more focused on where Stephen is going to be a year from now than going out and supporting the team that's paying his salary. All you can do is hope that the player is treating the situation with integrity, and, frankly, we have our concerns."
He wasn't done. Addressing the disappointing numbers put up this season by his star right fielder, Kendrick's words came crashing down like lightning bolts.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Kevin Garnett scored 26 points and Paul Pierce hit a dagger 3 with 52 seconds remaining as the Celtics beat the Heat 94-90 to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference finals. In a sad development to the continuing LeBron James story, the Heat star has taken up slam poetry as a method to cope with his end-of-game struggles. "These prevaricating MEN, I call them al-IEN: Rondo and GARNETT, haven't killed me YET," shouted James, pointing emphatically from the press conference podium. "And you, Mr. Pierce, who call yourself the TRUTH, who are you to proclaim me FALSE?! Where is your BOOK OF LIES?! For I am a SCRIBE, a son of of the SCROLLS, king of the TRIBE and father of SOULS! Skippedy-bop-bang, cock-a-doodle-DOO, I-got-my-freedoms-and-a-bloobity-BLOO " The poetry descended into gibberish at that point, and ended with James weeping quietly on Erik Spoelstra's tiny little shoulder.