In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• The NCAA accepted Baylor's self-imposed penalties for impermissible phone calls and text messages sent to recruits, and put the program on three years' probation. "If they think I need a phone to keep in touch with recruits, they're nuts," said men's coach Scott Drew, who then phoned his secretary demanding two Dixie cups and 100 million feet of string.
• An Associated Press review of Bobby Petrino's business phone records revealed that he texted Jessica Dorrell 4,300 times over the past seven months in a relationship that resulted in Petrino's dismissal from Arkansas after the two were involved in a motorcycle accident. The texts did include photo and video content, but Dorrell would neither confirm nor deny that Petrino sent her pictures of Brett Favre's penis.

In case Yu were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.

• In his major league debut, Japanese phenom Yu Darvish overcame some early nerves to reach the sixth inning and help the Rangers secure an 11-5 win over the Mariners. Despite the victory, it was an unpleasant experiences for fans in Arlington, who upon hearing the name "Yu!" would turn and say, "Me?" "No, Yu," the person would respond, and the other guy would be like, "That's what I'm asking, me?" "No, I'm talking about Yu!" the first guy said, until a third guy was like, "SON OF A BITCH, HE MEANS YU DARVISH THE PITCHER! I HATE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO AND WORDPLAY SO MUCH!" And that's when the guns came out.
• Second baseman Ian Kinsler said he and the Rangers have agreed to a five-year, $75 million contract. "That's $75 million for Yu," the Rangers contract negotiator said, pushing the paper forward. Kinsler eyed him suspiciously as he signed. "For me, right?" The negotiator made a head motion that was almost like a nod. "All for Yu," he said, as he grabbed the signed contract. "Wait ... did I just sign over $75 million of my own money to Yu Darvish?" asked a panicked Kinsler. "Don't be Darvish-culous," said the negotiator as he sprinted out the door.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• The NCAA men's basketball championship will be contested Monday between Kentucky and Kansas. The Wildcats defeated in-state rival Louisville 69-62 in the first game of Saturday's Final Four, and the Jayhawks used a second half comeback to beat Ohio State 64-62 in the nightcap. Also, the NIT championship was played on Thursday night. Florida Panhandle Tech beat Rocky Mountain East 53-47, and I defy anyone to care enough to prove me wrong.
• Kentucky's Anthony Davis became the first Kentucky player to win the Naismith Player of the Year Award, while Kansas' Bill Self won Coach of the Year. Meanwhile, Harrison Barnes won Entrepreneur of the Year, an award he invented and strong-armed the Better Business Bureau into presenting at an Embassy Suites conference center in Atlanta.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Tim Tebow was introduced to the New York media on Monday and told them that there is no quarterback controversy between Mark Sanchez and him. "Just like there's no Jesus controversy between Jesus and Mark Sanchez," he said, winking. "But seriously, I do forgive him."

The Eight Factors measures four basketball criteria along with four non-basketball criteria to take the measure of who will win each Sweet 16 game.

In this installment: 10-seed Xavier (23-12) vs. 3-seed Baylor (29-7).

Factor 1: Better College Town

In Thursday's post, Cincinnati, Ohio, took a win in this category by virtue of going up against Columbus, Ohio. Today, Cincinnati is back, this time representing Xavier, and it has another pretty light opponent in Waco, Texas.

I have never been to either place, but a quick Google search of "worst college towns" turned up Waco over and over and over again. So, in perhaps the biggest upset of the season, Cincinnati now has two wins in the "Better College Town" category. Don't shoot the messenger.

Xavier 1, Baylor 0

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Randy Moss is back in football. The 35-year-old receiver signed a one-year deal with the 49ers after working out for Jim Harbaugh. Sources reported that the workout went really well, except for an awkward moment near the end when Harbaugh shoved Moss to the ground while shaking hands, and Moss responded by aggressively mooning him.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Phil Mickelson out-dueled Tiger Woods by 11 shots in the final round to win the Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. At the press conference, an angry Woods said that the only reason Mickelson beat him is that he was able to stabilize his putter by nestling it between his ample breasts.

• The Yankees are in trade talks with the Pirates that may involve sending A.J. Burnett to Pittsburgh. It turns out the Yankees are on the lookout for a DH and a few young prospects, while the Pirates need someone who can belch redneck anthems and get arrested for cooking meth in a motel bathtub.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• After trailing by 10 with under three minutes to play, no. 9 Duke stormed back and beat no. 5 UNC with an Austin Rivers 3-pointer at the buzzer. And if the jokes suck today, it's because I was watching the replay until about 5 a.m., intently studying the reaction of each individual Carolina fan as the shot went down in order to keep myself from ever being unhappy again. So, you know, apologies for whatever comes next.

• No. 2 Syracuse needed overtime to emerge with a victory against no. 11 Georgetown as Jim Boeheim passed Dean Smith on the all-time wins list. And if you really want to confuse and then upset a Tar Heel fan, call him up, say you have a basketball question, and then ask how he feels about this. Also ask if they think Boeheim or Coach K is the greatest in history. And then tell them the 1924 championship was bogus.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• The Lakers used 12 fourth quarter points from Kobe Bryant to rally for a 96-91 win over the Clippers. After the final whistle, scuffles broke out on the floor when Pau Gasol patted Chris Paul on the head. "I don't know if Pau's got kids, but don't touch my head like I'm one of your kids," said an angry Paul. "I don't have kids," responded Gasol. "Yet." Then he winked at the camera, and held up a placard with his phone number and a picture of a rose.

• Rafael Nadal continued his Grand Slam dominance over Roger Federer, winning in four sets to advance to the Australian Open final. Rafa is now 8-2 over his rival in the Grand Slams, and 18-9 overall, leading to the odd situation where Federer is the greatest player of all-time, and yet only the second-greatest of his own era. "It's a historian's nightmare!" shouted a frantic historian, fumbling with his glasses and tripping over a pile of history books.

In exactly seven weeks, the 2012 NCAA tournament will begin in Dayton, Ohio.

1. That is sooner than you think.*

2. It's only true if you count this newfangled "first four" as the start of the tournament.**

3. Wow! Seven weeks!***

*Unless you have a pretty firm grasp on how long a week is. Then it's exactly as long as you think. But if you think seven weeks is like four months, get ready for a big surprise, brother.

**Nonsense. The first round is nonsense and we all know it. Here's a great use of the word "nonsense" in Internet cartoon form: nonsense.

***That's sooner than you think!

What this means is that we should start speculating about which teams will take the four 1-seeds. If we wait much longer, we'll be totally unprepared to speculate when the time comes, and then they'll have to cancel the whole tournament.

So let's count down some contenders, followed by the current top dogs in the 1-seed hunt.

Until further notice, the Big 12 belongs to the no. 7 Kansas Jayhawks.

Monday night's win over no. 3 Baylor — before tip-off, one of three undefeated teams in America — was so dominant that it bulldozed the old axiom about over-valuing one win. Because this wasn't just a win; it was a mighty shellacking. A mighty shellacking, you say? Oh yeah. Believe me, I thought long and hard before choosing that phrase. I think it was last used by a dude named Jedediah to describe a lopsided mule race at a county fair in the 1870s. But today, it fits. Baylor got flat-out embarrassed, and by my reckoning, the Jayhawk pyrotechnic display was the single best offensive showing by any team this season, all circumstances considered.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty, enjoy the second Kansas basket of the game:

As far as tone-setters go, not too bad, right?

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• In his greatest act of humility yet, Tim Tebow threw for just nine completions and 136 yards as the New England Patriots crushed the Denver Broncos 45-10. The most awkward part of the game came when Bill Belichick demanded that Tebow acknowledge his own mediocrity as a quarterback, saying he had the power to blow him out or give him a close, honorable defeat, and Tebow was like, "You could have no power at all against me unless it had been give you from above, therefore the one who delivered me to you has the greatest sin," and Broncos head coach John Fox was like, "hey, wackos, leave me out of this."

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• Kobe Bryant scored 48 points on 31 shots as the Lakers beat the Suns 99-83. "If I play bad or have one bad game like I did in Denver, everybody cries for a change or cries for the fact that I'm too old," Bryant said after the game. Reporters gently pointed out that the "bad game" against Denver had come in 1999, at which point Bryant looked frightened and repeatedly asked for Shaq.

1. Gregg Popovich, American Exceptionalist
Simply for this searing, classically Popovichian statement about whether Ricky Rubio needs to adapt to American culture: "They're more cultured than we are … Like we're the cultured ones? Are you serious? Have you watched TV lately? Have you seen what Americans do? How many languages do you speak? And you wonder how they're going to adjust to our culture? I hope they avoid it and keep their own!"