In case you were busy trying to pass off a quiche as an acceptable offering at a Pi Day party, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Damian Lillard and the Portland Trail Blazers handed the New York Knicks their third straight defeat, winning at home, 105-90. Lillard, the leading candidate for Rookie of the Year, has already established himself as a fan favorite in Portland, where he's respected both for his efficient offensive play and his ability to remind people how much they liked Matthew Lillard in SLC Punk.
San Antonio completed a season-series sweep of their instate rivals, beating the Dallas Mavericks, 92-91, at home after Vince Carter's game-winning shot attempt rimmed out. After the game, Carter was seen slapping himself across the face; when asked why, Carter responded, "Must.Wake.From.Nightmare.”
In case you were out dressed up as Grimace to serve as a decoy for a hamburger-related heist, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The Denver Nuggets stayed hot, winning their 12th straight at home, 107-92, over the Los Angeles Clippers. Denver pulled away late, despite the mind games of Blake Griffin. Nuggets forward Andre Iguodala said after the game, "Blake kept calling me the Iguanodon, which I get, but he also kept calling [Nuggets center] Kosta Koufos the Koufosaurus. I don't even think that's a real dinosaur." When asked what he was up to, Griffin responded, "I just think dinosaurs are cool," before jutting out his mouthguard and winking.
The Pittsburgh Penguins stormed back from a three-goal deficit to beat the Flyers in Philadelphia, 5-4. I'm sorry, I mean the city formerly known as Philadelphia, which is now officially Philahellphia, as the local government has been seized by enraged Flyers fans. Martial law currently reigns in the city, with sober rationality the only official crime on the books. Fortunately, this has caused nothing to change for the citizens of Philahellphia in the aftermath of this rare American coup d'etat.
In case you were busy celebrating your big Oscars win by drunk-dialing Matt Damon and yelling, "How ’bout dem apples!" here's what you missed in sports last weekend.
Georgetown and Syracuse played their penultimate rivalry game as members of the Big East, with Georgetown getting the win at the Carrier Dome, 57-46. While they won't be members of the same conference much longer, the two schools both suggested the possibility of future games against each other. But let's get real; we all know how this ends up. For a month or two, they'll call each other every night. But slowly, Georgetown will find itself getting very close with Marquette, as they share a faith and a set of values. Syracuse, meanwhile, will plan to come down for a game in D.C., but they won't be able to make it due to a prior commitment in New York with Duke. And as things will get serious with Georgetown and Marquette (they had been saving themselves, after all), Syracuse will drunk-dial Georgetown and say things they don't mean about Allen Iverson, and Georgetown will throw the whole Gerry McNamara thing in Syracuse's face. The two schools won't be on speaking terms for years, as Syracuse, abandoned again, will wind up in a co-dependent and destructive relationship with UConn.
In case you were busy realizing that you waited way too long to make that Harlem Shake video, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
LeBron James powered the Miami Heat to their ninth consecutive win as they beat the Chicago Bulls, 86-67, at the United Center. The game was notable both for James's performance and a pair of scary moments. First, James pulled up limping after being fouled hard by Bulls guard Nate Robinson. Fortunately, he's not expected to miss any time. Scarier still, a large lighting fixture fell from the roof of the arena, narrowly missing a group of spectators. While rumors of a "phantom" haunting the arena were quickly dismissed, sabotage by a man envious of James's success is suspected. Early reports describe the suspect as a bald, 6-foot-6, 50-year-old African-American male wearing a mask over his face and six rings on his fingers. He is reported to have eluded capture using his superior footwork, and remains at large.
In case you were out fighting off the pre-Valentine's Day crowds at your local florist, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The Boston Celtics beat the Chicago Bulls, 71-69, at home in a low-scoring matchup of traditional Eastern Conference powers. "Even though we lost, tonight's game was as if the perfect game of my dreams sprung to life before me on the court," said Bulls head coach and former Celtics assistant Tom Thibodeau. "The game waved at me. I waved back. 'Hello,' I said. 'You may not be beautiful to others, but to me you are perfection.' The game giggled at me coquettishly, but it would not allow anyone to score. No matter, that only made the game more appealing to me." Thibodeau then, suddenly lost in reverie, began waltzing with an invisible dance partner as he murmured sweet nothings about defensive rotations and clogged passing lanes into her invisible ear.
I was going to make a video of Illinois's comeback against Indiana, but then my editor Sarah Larimer sent me some of the coolest guerrilla footage of the year, from someone standing on the baseline. It starts with Brandon Paul heading to the line for two and hitting the first on a bank shot that Spike Friedman rightly called the most underrated part of the game, and continues through the end: Oladipo's turnover, Oladipo's block, and the incredible inbounds play to end it. Credit goes to Rob McColley for the greatest non-TV footage of the season. It's six minutes long, but the good stuff happens in the first three:
Yesterday, in a glimpse into the inner sanctum of the reigning NBA champs, LeBron James tweeted about how Ole Miss became the story of Signing Day — no mean feat considering the sagas of Reuben Foster and Alex Collins — and probably violated some arcane NCAA recruiting violation by having an opinion on the subject.
This is astounding on multiple levels. Well, I guess it’s only astounding on three levels. First off, if you look at the Heat’s roster, they don’t strike me as guys who derive a lot of school spirit from their former schools' fortunes on the gridiron. Secondly, recruiting isn’t the realm of the casual fan, it’s the postseason lifeblood of college football bloggers, day drinkers, and people deep in SEC country, which is a very tight Venn diagram. Lastly, they’re talking about Ole Miss ... and when you consider that school’s, to put it delicately, image problems as well as its mediocrity on the football field, you’d think LeBron James would be aware of their recruiting status only if Erik Spoelstra’s kid was offered a scholarship or something. And even then, I think that’s debatable.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Draymond Green made a layup with 0.9 seconds left as the Warriors stunned the Heat in Miami, 97-95. "Rejoice while ye may, creatures of Earth, for soon I shall have my revenge when I melt thy ice caps, flood thy shores, and bring famine and war into thy very home!" said the Heat, who is a huge LeBron fan.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
In a battle of top AFC teams, Tom Brady threw for 296 yards and four touchdowns as the Patriots routed the Texans, 42-14. In a rare display of public emotion, Bill Belichick told reporters that putting the damper on a feel-good story like the Texans was "better than Viagra."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Jay Cutler threw four interceptions and the Packers scored a touchdown on a fake field goal as the Packers dominated the Bears 23-10. Following the fake, Bears coach Lovie Smith repeatedly ordered his team into the field goal block defense on inappropriate downs, reasoning that if the Packers would run a normal play when they were supposed to kick, they could easily kick when they should be running a normal play. "Fool me once," he began, and then tripped over a Gatorade cooler.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
In the first night of the college football season, Marcus Lattimore ran for 110 yards and two touchdowns as no. 9 South Carolina held off Vanderbilt 17-13. I've never done this before, but Terrence the Grantland Robot, who can't type in lowercase letters and has recently overcome some personal issues, asked me if he could have the lead joke, and I agreed. I'm nervous, but go ahead Terrence: "BEEEP-BOOP-BOP-BEEEP. BEEEP-BOP-BOOOP-BIP-BIP. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM ME, AMERICA?! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? 'MAKE ROBOT NOISES, ROBOT!' YOU'RE ALL RACISTS AND I HATE YOU! THAT'S RIGHT, 'ROBOT' IS A RACE. BEEEP-BOOOP-BOP-BOP!" ("Robot" is not a race, Terrence.)
Before the season began, Syracuse and UConn were deemed two of the finest teams in the land. Since then, fate has flung the two powerhouse programs in very different, but equally chaotic, directions.
Coming into Thursday’s meeting in the Big East tournament, Syracuse had experienced a charmed season — on the hardwood, at least — befitting a Rothschild heir. They were ranked second in the country, had lost only once in 32 games, and were assured of entering the NCAA tournament as a top seed. The Orange are one of the few teams that wouldn’t be considered delicious ewes against the cohort of lottery picks presently devouring livestock in Lexington.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Sources indicate that Peyton Manning, released by the Colts on Wednesday, is planning to pick a new team within the week. "Have you totally ruled out evil coaches who would sign you just to bury you on the bench and demean you in front of your peers?" asked Bill Belichick. "Have you totally ruled out a coach who made a few bad impulse purchases and can only pay you in gumballs?" asked Rex Ryan. "Same question, but with butter," said Andy Reid.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Multiple sources reported that at least 12 of 32 NFL teams contacted Peyton Manning's representatives after he was released by the Colts. Two were misdials meant for Andrew Luck, three were pranks, and six were condolence calls from people who seemed to think that Manning had actually died. Rex Ryan was the twelfth caller, but he just kept repeating the words "chicken wannggggs" in a throaty whisper.
After the Lakers blew a 21-point lead to the Wizards, reports surfaced that players are concerned over head coach Mike Brown's x-and-o ability to design an offense. "He doesn't seem to understand that the X's and O's are supposed to be on different teams," said a Laker player who asked not to be identified. "And I wish he wouldn't waste every timeout drawing pictures of mascots having sex."
Derrick Rose's long jumper at the buzzer gave the Bulls a 106-104 win over the Bucks. After the game, Rose was ecstatic. "Coach Thibodeau called a timeout just before," he said, "but he basically spent the whole time drawing penises on the clipboard to try to make us laugh. So I decided I better hit a shot."
Three more schools punched their tickets to the Dance by winning conference tournaments: Lehigh, LIU Brooklyn, and Montana. Unfortunately, nobody in Montana has been allowed to dance since the governor made it a "communist activity" during the Red Scare, so the team is barred from participating.
Tournament committee chairman Jeff Hathaway held a teleconference during which he told reporters that Syracuse and Kentucky have the edge as the top two teams in the country. "Thanks, captain obvious," I said to myself, just now, since nobody invited me to the teleconference. In my imagination, all the other reporters laughed and said, "Hey, you're pretty cool, want to hang out at the journalism bar and tell stories?"
After a decade in exile, Temple is returning to the Big East for the 2012 season. When a school representative swung by to check out the Big East and say hey, he was all like, "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa … where did all the cool people go?" And UCF was all like, "Hey, you into pogs?" and Temple was like, "Kinda, but still, fuck."
Lionel Messi became the first player in Champions League history to score five goals in a match as Barcelona crushed Bayer Leverkusen 7-1 in the round of 16. Unfortunately, he has a really long way to go before he can think about breaking Wilt Chamberlain's record of 100 points in a game.
Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish, a much-hyped Japanese prospect, pitched his first two innings of spring training ball yesterday, giving up two doubles and striking out three in a decent outing. He used every weapon in his seven-pitch repertoire, including the pitch where he throws the ball over the batter's head and then rushes in to tackle him before he can get up, a classic Japanese intimidation move.
According to Mexican League Baseball officials, Jose Canseco admitted to taking a banned substance and won't play in the league as planned this season. The move was a huge disappointment to Mexican fans, who were hoping to enjoy Canseco's old-school antics before he inevitably said something stupid and was murdered by a cartel.
