In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• Ross Detwiler pitched six strong innings and Ryan Zimmerman slammed a key RBI double as the Nationals clinched the first playoff berth in franchise history with a 4-1 win over the Dodgers. Wait a second … is ESPN.com down? Weird. OK, just … be cool. This is no big deal. It's just sports. It'll probably be back up soon. Maybe read the New York Times or something. Maybe see what's happening in the world since you last checked. Hmmm … life expectancy is shrinking for less-educated whites in America. Am I less educated? I'm definitely white. I went to college, so maybe I'm OK. But I don't have a Master's degree. Oh God, I'm screwed, I'm going to die. I don't want to read this. Come back, ESPN. Just please come back.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• J.J. Hardy hit two home runs and a double as the Orioles beat the Rays 9-2 and moved back into a tie for first in the AL East. Hardy's brother Frank went 1-4 with a single as their stoic dad Fenton looked on from the stands, and their plump pal Chet Morton stayed in the dugout practicing card tricks, his latest crazy hobby.