There is much to celebrate this week in atrocious quarterbacking: Yo Gabba Gabbert was benched, Nick Foles did many Nick Folesian things, Mark Sanchez continued his campaign to ensure that Tim Tebow is front-page news, and Eli may have officially regressed into the fourth-best football player at next week’s Manning Thanksgiving table. But none of these triumphantly terrible turns behind center could top the work of Ryan Tannehill, who was nice enough to remind everyone, with this week’s performance, how he earned the name TAINTehill. I thought that was nice of him. So did the Titans.
Three and Out
Dolphins (Ryan Tannehill), 67 points: When TAINTehill took the field this week, the announcers set the scene: “He has really limited his mistakes — no interceptions for Tannehill over his last four games, a completion percentage of just under 59 percent. Tannehill, last week, was good ...” At that moment on Sunday afternoon, with Miami at home, facing a Titans defense that allowed an average of 34.2 points a game through its first nine games, there was absolutely no reason to believe that at the end of the game, Lauren Tannehill’s husband would have as many interceptions as the Dolphins had points. You know that old saying about how “it isn’t how a man reacts when he is on top that defines him, but rather how he reacts when he is at his lowest”? No? Well, it probably doesn’t go exactly like that. But with vigorous and passionate tackle attempts after each of his three interceptions, Lauren Tannehill’s husband reflected a very strong character and pleased all at BQBL headquarters, where, oddly, we care very much about those things. In honor of TAINTehill’s tackles, we will now review his Sunday by contrasting his turnovers with his takedowns, each worthy of celebration:
As I write this it is 7:46 p.m., Monday, October 8, 12, 2012 AD. I point this out because I am writing the introduction to this week’s BQBL post BEFORE Mark Sanchez takes the field against the Houston Texans. There is a 90 percent chance that I will rewrite this after Sanchez throws three picks and is sacked a bajillion times by J.J. Watt and the Texans defense; there is a 5 percent chance he has a great game and we post this intro just to prove how unpredictable the NFL is; and there is a 5 percent chance this column is canceled because Sanchez is decapitated on the field of play, somehow lives, but the NFL is taking a couple weeks off to draw up some rule changes. Regardless, I doubt that even the inevitable ineptitude Mr. Sanchize is sure to muster up later this evening will top the week that Yo Gabba Gabbert had on Sunday. He was so bad he forced me to completely re-imagine how I write this column.
Three and Out
Jaguars (Blaine Gabbert), 89 points: Each week, I usually give the BQBLers a little synopsis of the atrocious turnovers that each of the top scorers compiled. But I was thinking ... by doing that, I’m leaving too much shitty quarterbacking on the cutting-room floor. Blaine Gabbert was so terrible this week that he deserves the full treatment. Ladies and gentlemen, I will now go through Yo Gabba Gabbert’s tremendous Sunday against the Bears defense, incompletion by glorious incompletion:
There are two things we learned from last year’s inaugural BQBL season: (1) No matter how respected a guy is around the league, how many Super Bowl rings he has, or how many times he’s hosted SNL, he WILL, at some point, spend a week on the BQBL Summer Jam Screen; (2) Blaine Gabbert sucks. For real, he sucks. But even Yo Gabba Gabbert didn’t bring the level of suckocity that Jay Cutler did this week. He was so bad that his performance is somehow still in the news cycle and he played on Thursday night.
Three and Out
Bears (Jay Cutler), 78 points: Jay Cutler does not believe in positive reinforcement. Rumors are flying around the Windy City that Cutler isn’t well liked in the locker room. However, he was absolutely loved by every BQBL owner who started him this week.
At this point you should have drafted teams and set the stakes in your league, and should already be rooting for your team’s quarterbacks to get into a war of words with Terry Bradshaw. If all of this is crazy talk to you, click here to get caught up on the quantification and celebration of failure at the quarterback position that is the Bad Quarterback League. Once you have all the teams drafted in your league, you are ready for the greatest technological advancement of the 21st century, the BQBL Failure Machine. All you have to do is click on the link below, follow the instructions, and then watch as your BQBL team racks up points for TAINTs, sideline arguments, and arrests.
The Jags train is leaving the station. Or not. Whatever.
In the past 12 hours, yet-to-report Maurice Jones-Drew has gone from very upset about some of his new owner’s public comments to maybe not so upset anymore. Early Tuesday, Jags owner Shad Khan continued his cavalier approach to MJD’s holdout, telling the Florida Times-Union, "Train is leaving the station. Run, get on it." This prompted Jones-Drew and his camp to tell reporters that in that case, the 2011 rushing champion would like to be traded. By this morning, most likely realizing that he and his client have almost no leverage, Jones-Drew’s agent had softened that stance.
As the long, hot summer drags on, we here at The Triangle figured we’d provide a steady stream of NFL goodness as a reminder of the light at the end of the baseball-lined tunnel.
The start of training camp is a time for hope, for promise, for finding reasons to be excited about the future. The situation in Jacksonville this week is no different. There is good news coming out of Jags camp, and that news is things can’t get any worse.
Already faced with a lack of interest so formidable they’re encouraging fans to come with sack lunches in hand, the start of Jaguars training camp can’t be described as anything less than a disaster.
Have you ever danced the electric slide? Don’t lie, you have. Tucked away deep in the file cabinet that is your memory lies a manila folder labeled, “Dances I Do Every Three Years At Weddings,” which contains an incomplete road map of steps you could never replicate without the help of those around you. So when the wedding DJ throws on that deplorable song and everyone hits the floor, you just try to keep up with the rest of the revelers — and not draw attention to yourself or ruin the flow of the group. In Week 12, Caleb Hanie, Tyler Palko, Blaine Gabbert, Curtis Painter, and T.J. Yates played the quarterback position in the NFL the same way you dance the electric slide. They tried only not to draw attention to themselves or ruin the flow of the group. It didn’t work for them. Worked like a charm for those that started them in the BQBL.
From time to time, we get e-mails about Grantland's Bad Quarterback League. We read all of them, laugh at most of them, and make Jacoby write responses to a few of them. Here's a look at what hit our inbox recently. (For the latest scorecard, click here.)
Today is the day that everything returns to normal. No more costumes, no more candy, no more Charlie Whitehurst, and no more Tebowing. Please, no more Tebowing. I have seen enough Tebowing.
This week in football was so bizarre we all just need to get back to our regular lives for a few days to regain perspective. Tarvaris Jackson looked like Warren Moon, Drew Brees looked like Tarvaris Jackson, and the professional athlete who threw for the most touchdowns was Kevin Durant. It was refreshing to see Durant and the bros of Sigma Nu really embrace the lateral to advance the football. I have always suspected it could be more effective in the NFL. True offensive innovators, those Sigma Nu boys. I can’t wait to draft them next season in the Grantland Stillwater Oklahoma Intramural Football Special Teams Fantasy League.
Every movement has a defining moment. The American Revolution had the Boston Tea Party. The hippies had Woodstock. Occupy Wall Street has well, regardless, the BQBL’s defining moment occurred on October 23, 2011, in Week 7 of the NFL schedule. For generations to come, on the morning of October 23, families clad in Carson Palmer, Curtis Painter, and A.J. Feeley jerseys will grab a football, head to the backyard, and throw errant passes to each other in recognition of this glorious day.
Keeping with BQBL Day tradition, the elder generations will describe the events of Week 7 in 2011 to the young'uns while aimlessly scrambling around the yard and throwing passes 30 feet over their heads. They will tell of the mythical Matt Hasselbeck and his 104 passing yards against the Texans. They will repeat the story of Palmer, who helped solidify a scoreless afternoon for his Raiders and — keeping with BQBL Day tradition — they will don a long blond wig and detail exactly how Painter, on national television, willed his team to lose by 55 points. Then, BQBL Day will culminate with the whole family around the dinner table, poised to dive into their traditional BQBL Day feast of nachos, buffalo wings, and HGH flakes, and they will first all take turns telling the tale of the Miami Miracle. The day that it was revealed to the world that Timothy Richard Tebow was not only the greatest quarterback to ever play the game of football, but the greatest man to ever walk the earth. I can’t wait until next year. I think I am going to adopt a son right now.
The following is a list of adult men who threw passes on Sunday in the National Football League: John Beck, Christian Ponder, Kyle Boller, and wait for it Vince Young. And if that wasn’t enough to have fans of repulsive quarterbacking Harbaugh handshaking each other, with Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell out with a broken collarbone, the Raiders are reportedly close to acquiring Carson Palmer. If the deal does happen, there is little doubt that at some point this season, he will be joining the above list of esteemed field generals. Good news for Raiders fans, bad news for those of us who couldn't wait to see Terrelle Pryor make a run at scoring quadruple-digit BQBL points in a single week.
But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. This week there was plenty for fans of failure.
It happened. Down 23-10 to the San Diego Chargers at the half, and in front of the home fans, Denver coach John Fox finally said: “Screw it. Things can’t get any worse. Let’s put that Tebow kid in.”
And so began the Tim Tebow Era in Denver. Tebow did his Tebowy thing. He ran quarterback draws out of the shotgun, yelled his face red after big plays, and ultimately came up short. But he did give Denver fans and Broncos BQBL owners a lot to look forward to. Denver now has a bye week, which it can use to make the Tebow package bigger, before the Broncos unleash it against the lowly Miami Dolphins. Sorry, I tried as hard as I could, but I simply can’t restrain myself from making Tebow package jokes. I am ashamed.
This week, the BQBL was filled with so much ineptitude that even Kyle Orton’s 34-yard first half, Michael Vick’s four picks, and Eli Manning’s game-losing interception couldn’t top the absolute pee puddle of a performance Kevin Kolb put together. The man who once started over Vick is now being benched in favor of the pride of Tarleton State — Richard Bartel.