In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Today is Election Day on About Last Night. Terrence the Grantland Robot, the incumbent, will be taking on Carl Tompkins, a 25-year-old actual human who hopes to be an intern here. The winner will serve as ALN's second-in-command (Shane Ryan holds a sort of semi-permanent Vladimir Putin role). After each news item, I'll allow each of them to make a statement outlining their positions and why they deserve your vote. Please choose either Terrence or Carl in the Facebook comments below, either by commenting with their name, or "liking" somebody else's comment with whom you agree. We'll tally the votes tomorrow morning and announce a winner.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Ozzie Guillen was fired as manager of the Miami Marlins, and team officials say his positive remarks about Fidel Castro played a contributing role. As he retreated from Miami into the remote Everglades of central Florida with only a small loyal band of 19 followers (including his brother Raul Guillen and Hanley "Che" Ramirez), Guillen vowed that his fight to dominate the Florida sports scene had only just begun. He was given a hero's greeting by the Everglade peasants, and immediately set up a pirate radio station to broadcast his message into the homes of the people.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The Rams defense contained Kevin Kolb (28/50, 289 yards) and Ryan Williams (14 carries, 33 yards) en route to handing the Cardinals their first loss of the season, 17-3. Among those in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis were actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder, and President Barack Obama. Nah, I'm kidding, none of those people would ever go to that game. Grow up, St. Louis. You're pathetic.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
With 44 home runs, 139 RBI, and a .330 batting average, Miguel Cabrera became the first MLB player since Carl Yastrzemski in 1967 to win the Triple Crown. And as a scholar of baseball history, let me just say that I'm thrilled and relieved that finally, finally, the last Soviet sports icon of the Cold War era has been unseated by an American.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The NFL and the referee union released a joint statement last night announcing they had reached an agreement to end the lockout. Unfortunately, this probably means that troubled ex-Charger Ryan Leaf is now out of a job as a Division III line judge.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
In the opening game of the NFL season, Tony Romo threw for 307 yards and three touchdowns — two of them to unheralded receiver Kevin Ogletree — as the Cowboys beat the Giants 24-17. On the Giants side, rookie running back David Wilson wept after a first-quarter fumble, but later admitted he had been listening to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor on tiny headphones. "That part where she sings it really high?" asked Wilson, rhetorically, before sobbing again. He then turned and saw a deflated Tom Coughlin with his head in his hands a few seats down. "See? It gets him, too!"
Baseball is a complicated game, the results of one day, one month, even one season subject to slumps and streaks, injuries and recoveries, players controlling their own destiny and players having their fate decided by a bad hop or a bad call. With the Boston Red Sox on the brink of a lost season, we now have a nuanced explanation for their woes, one that considers all the complexities of a 162-game season and elucidates all that's gone wrong at Fenway Park in 2012.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Kevin Durant scored 17 of his 28 points in the third quarter as the U.S. dominated Argentina 126-97. Following the win, an extremely condescending Kobe Bryant autographed a basketball for Manu Ginobili and patted him on the head.
Two of my favorite Onion stories are "Kevin Youkilis Puts Sign-up Sheet for Threesome in Red Sox Dugout" and "Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone on Bus Awake With Another One of His Nasty Sex Stories." Look at that face: looks like the crass degenerate we all knew in high school. But he's not some stunted party animal. He is an intense, talented, and intelligent ballplayer who is also a giant pain in the ass for his teammates and coaches. As his career in Boston moved past the championship phase and into a new decade, the problems grew, and the negatives of Youkilis, the man, began to erode the positives of Youkilis, the player. It led to a late-June trade to the White Sox, and when Youkilis returned to Fenway in the gray-and-black for the first time on Monday night (Boston beat Chicago, 5-1), he soaked in the applause and played the role of conquering hero. But is that characterization accurate? More to the point, is it fair?
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Bobby Valentine apologized to Kevin Youkilis a day after questioning his physical and emotional commitment to the team. Youkilis sat out with a groin injury as the Sox fell to James Shields (8 1/3 innings, 4 hits, 0 runs) and the Rays 1-0. Despite the apology, Valentine's original point about physical commitment seemed to hold true after the game, when Youkilis was spotted doing his famous "groin dance" for a group of female fans.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Sources report that the NFL Players Association had the tapes of Gregg Williams's violent bounty speech before they became public. Instead of outing him publicly for targeting players, though, the NFLPA used the audio to make two sick techno tracks: "Kill the Head and the Body Will Die," and "A Mind Troubled by Doubt." Both tracks are scheduled to be released by NFL Films in mid-August on the album Bounty Sheriff.
1. Ryan Madson, Breadwinner
When you say "YOLO," Andy Greenwald says "Butterscotch Krimpets":
"Pour out a little liquor — or at least a little baking soda — for Reds pitcher Ryan Madson. You know how stats dorks like to measure everything in baseball against replacement players? Ryan Madson is the replacement player. First the Phillies replaced him with Dropkick Murphys Stan Jonathan Papelbon, despite Madson’s agent, the dreaded Scott Boras, insisting that the Phillies had offered his client $44 million first. Then came the devastating disclosure that the closer’s UCL had been torn completely off the bone, requiring the replacement surgery known as Tommy John. But neither bit of news stung as much as the revelation that local hoagie-roll bakery Liscio’s hadn’t even waited for the ink on Papelbon’s contract to dry before replacing former spokesman Madson with hungry Houston transplant Hunter Pence. Stay strong, Mad Dog! May you return next year, stronger than ever and in a LeBron-esque carb cloud of double-zero flour. Like yeast, a good pitcher/bread spokesman can’t stay down for long."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The man who collected Ryan Braun's urine sample last fall said he followed the same protocol he had with hundreds of previous samples. "Okay, I'll admit it," he said, grinning, "I took a little sip. But come on, man, it's Ryan friggin' Braun! The MVP! You'd have done the same thing."
Along with a broken nose, Kobe Bryant sustained a concussion when Dwyane Wade elbowed him at the All-Star game. Wade sent his apologies, saying, "I never wanted that kind of outcome." He then took out a crumpled piece of paper labeled "The Kobe Project," crossed 'head' from the top of the list, and stared longingly at the next item, "left kidney."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Jeremy Lin continued to amaze and electrify, dishing out a career-high 13 assists to go along with 10 points in a 100-85 Knicks win over the Sacramento Kings. After the game, in an attempt to reclaim his status as America's basketball darling, Kings guard Jimmer Fredette released a series of adorable pictures with puppies. I'm not saying it worked, and I'm not saying it didn't work, but I'll trade a "Jimmer With Labradoodle on Sofa" print for anything from the Black Lab Cuddle Sessions.
