In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Russell Westbrook scored 28 points and Kevin Durant added 25 and 10 boards as the Thunder eliminated the Lakers and advanced to the Western Conference Finals with a 106-90 win. As he walked out of the building, Pau Gasol felt something heavy in his coat pocket. He reached in and found the hilt of a knife with a note wrapped around it. "Amigo," it said. "Mine has a blade. See you tonight. -K." He's probably just letting off steam, thought Gasol, who found himself sprinting.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
On a night when Kobe Bryant was hampered with a stomach issue, Ty Lawson scored 32 points and the Nuggets forced a Game 7 with a 113-96 win over the Lakers. "It sucks when you're sick for a big playoff game, doesn't it?" said Michael Jordan, in a really sarcastic phone call to Bryant. "So hard to play well. So hard to win. Hey, good luck man. Good luck with everything. Jordan out."
Make "Empire State of Mind" his warm-up music; start giving interviews in a pronounced, obviously fake Boston accent; get "AARON BOONE" tattooed across his stomach in the same font as the THUG LIFE font; do Aaron Hernandez's touchdown dance every time he gives up a home run; practice his putting in the bullpen; open up Boston's first El Pollo Loco location; open Boston's first Brew Thru; open Boston's first combination El Pollo Loco-Brew Thru; come out strongly, publicly, vocally for Bobby Valentine's continued managerial stewardship of the Red Sox.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
LeBron James scored 29 points, grabbed eight boards, and dished out seven assists as the Heat eliminated the Knicks with a 106-94 Game 5 win. After the game, Amar'e Stoudemire stood with clenched fists near a wall in the locker room where three fire extinguishers were hung in close proximity. "Why dost thou tempt me, Lord?!?!" he screamed to the ceiling, before concussing himself with a head-butt.
In the fifth inning of Friday night’s game in Boston, the (then) last-place Red Sox took a 4-3 lead over the (then) second-place Orioles. It was the last time the (still) last-place Sox would have a lead over the (now) first-place O’s during the weekend’s marathon three-game set.
Approximately 42 hours after the Sox took that lead, the Orioles bullpen had thrown 22.2 innings (two of which were ironically pitched by their designated hitter) and allowed just one run. And with a three-game sweep of the Red Sox, a team most people assumed would be terrible this year, had the best record baseball.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
A chestnut colt named I'll Have Another won the 138th Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Nobody was happier about the win than Rex Ryan, who celebrated deep into the night until someone told him that the horse wasn't named after his personal food motto. In related news, golfer John Daly is suing the horse for copyright infringement.
The defending NBA champions are out of the playoffs. James Harden scored 29 points and made several late baskets as the Thunder swept the Mavericks with a 103-97 Game 4 win. When he saw the result, a therapist in L.A. sighed, realizing that Metta World Peace would spend the full hour of this week's session expounding on his theory that his vicious elbow from two weeks ago gave Harden superpowers, and that the only way to reverse them is to elbow him again.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Kobe Bryant scored 38 points and Andrew Bynum contributed 27 points and nine boards as the Lakers took a 2-0 lead on the Nuggets, winning 104-100. In downtown Los Angeles, things turned a bit ugly during the second quarter when suspended forward Metta World Peace was found in a city dumpster viciously elbowing a pile of old chicken nuggets. Eyewitnesses described the act as "almost definitely intentional."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Dwyane Wade scored 25 points as the Heat took a 2-0 lead on the Knicks with a 104-94 win. After the game, sources report that Amar'e Stoudemire punched the glass casing surrounding a fire extinguisher, suffering lacerations that may keep him out for the rest of the playoffs. The incident reportedly began with the Knicks forward sitting in the locker room muttering crazily to himself: "What stops Heat? To know what stops heat, I must know what makes heat. Heat comes from flames. Flames come from fire. Fire must be extinguished. FIRE MUST BE EXTINGUISHED! AHHHHHHH *sound of shattering glass* AHHHH, MY HAND!" Following the incident, Knicks forward Steve Novak quietly picked up the fire extinguisher, whispered, "He was right — fire must be extinguished," and went off looking for Burnie, the Heat mascot.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
The Clippers finished with a 28-3 run to stun the Grizzlies 99-98 in Memphis and take a 1-0 lead in the first round of the NBA playoffs. It didn't help matters that a fatigued Zach Randolph spent the final eight minutes in a laundry bin, rowing himself up and down the court with a broom he stole from the custodial closet.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
On Day 1 of the NFL draft, Andrew Luck was taken first by the Colts and Robert Griffin III was taken second by the Redskins. The Jets opted for Quinton Coples with the 16th pick, a defensive end from North Carolina who Rex Ryan praised for his "impressive rib extension, muscled rump, and high potential protein value."
It's the inaugural episode of The Triangle Podcast. Each episode, I'll talk to a few different Triangle writers about the sports they cover. This week, I talked to Bill Barnwell about the falling NFL draft stock Vontaze Burfict, the Dolphins pinning their hopes on Ryan Tannehill, and whether a system should come before personnel when it comes to drafting players. I also checked in with Katie Baker on the crazy, bloody, and dramatic Stanley Cup playoffs, then Roger Bennett, one half of the Men in Blazers, joined me to recap two insane days of Champions League semifinals and the upcoming Manchester derby. Finally, I talked to Jonah Keri about Carl Crawford's trip to Dr. James Andrews and Oakland's five-tool star in the making, Yoenis Cespedes.
The baseball season is a long and lonely road. To preserve his sanity, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter keeps a diary. These are excerpts from The Captain's private journal.
Wednesday, April 18: vs. Minnesota
April baseball is always a little rough. The spring training rust isn't totally gone, and nobody's really ready to perform at their optimal level, but everything still counts. Yeah, I'm hitting .378 coming into the game and .389 after according to Scotty the ball boy — his name is actually Brian, but come on, he's Scotty — but that's not what I care about, so I had that kid scrub my locker with a Stay-at-Home Barbie Swiffer for telling me my batting average. I only pay attention to stats that begin and end with a capital W. And don't tell me there's some new nerd stat like WxRFSW or something like that. I'll make you circle every "Hatteberg" in Moneyball. (I'm not even kidding.)
Ah, Alfredo Aceves. You used to be the pitcher who induced sighs of relief in Red Sox fans, nobly plying your craft in any and all innings with equal aplomb. Aceves was perhaps the only Red Sox pitcher from 2011 to escape the disastrous fall months with his reputation intact; he even pitched a scoreless inning during Game 162, a brief respite before the entire East Coast began to burn. If you told me that Aceves went up to the starting rotation and said, "Hey, guys, maybe people will go out of their way to twist this whole eating-fried-chicken thing into an unfair narrative about any possible collapse we might be about to have, so let's cut it out," I would believe you implicitly. He was the swingman who could do no wrong.
Well, six appearances later, let's all band together to throw him on the scrap heap, right? With Mark Melancon banished to Pawtucket, Aceves now stands as the obvious example of what's gone wrong in the Boston bullpen, a label he affixed to himself with superglue after the five-run, four-walk, no-outs appearance that confirmed a dramatic Yankees comeback on Saturday afternoon. The season is far from over, of course, but it's reasonable to start the inquiry into whether Aceves is — or ever was — the right man to be at the helm of the Boston bullpen.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
On Saturday, Philip Humber tossed baseball's 21st perfect game in a 4-0 White Sox win over the Mariners. After the game, the ghost of Ford Frick rose from the dead and placed an asterisk next to Humber's accomplishment, saying, "ooooo-ooo-ooo, the Mariners suck, ooo-oooo-oooo."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Bobby Valentine apologized to Kevin Youkilis a day after questioning his physical and emotional commitment to the team. Youkilis sat out with a groin injury as the Sox fell to James Shields (8 1/3 innings, 4 hits, 0 runs) and the Rays 1-0. Despite the apology, Valentine's original point about physical commitment seemed to hold true after the game, when Youkilis was spotted doing his famous "groin dance" for a group of female fans.
