In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Scott Rolen's fielding error allowed Buster Posey to score the winning run as the Giants beat the Reds 2-1 in 10 innings to avoid elimination in the NLDS. Now that's what I call a "Dust-Buster"! Because he beat Dusty Baker's team, and his name is Bust … hey, screw you, that kind of stuff kills overseas! Kills!
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Matt Ryan threw his 100th career touchdown pass and the Falcons defense harassed Peyton Manning into three first-quarter interceptions in a 27-21 win over the Broncos. "Each turnover has its own story that no one really wants to hear," Manning said afterward. He then paused, looked in every reporter's eyes, and said, "Actually, let's do this. Turnover one was a lonely girl with big dreams who wanted to escape the drudgery of life in her tiny Nebraska town. Her father was an undertaker, but she longed for more, so she joined a traveling circus. She found joy and she married a carnie, but late one drunken night she died while riding the zipper and they sent her body back to her father. INTERCEPTION. Turnover two was a lot like the boy in Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer." Poor kid, ragged people, bleeding winter, dead from boxing. INTERCEPTION. Turnover three was just a bad pass. WRONG. TRICKED YOU. Each turnover has a story, never forget that. Turnover three was the look my father gave me one October morning, age 8, when I said I wanted to become an artist. "I hate football, Daddy. I love paints and oils." Old Archie threw me in the back of our pickup truck, drove me out to the woods, and left me with nothing but a football for six days. It worked. I fell in love with that football and named it Godfrey. My artistic dreams died with the midnight howling of the wolves. INTERCEPTION. COME BACK, GODFREY. But Godfrey's gone."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
J.J. Hardy hit two home runs and a double as the Orioles beat the Rays 9-2 and moved back into a tie for first in the AL East. Hardy's brother Frank went 1-4 with a single as their stoic dad Fenton looked on from the stands, and their plump pal Chet Morton stayed in the dugout practicing card tricks, his latest crazy hobby.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Andy Murray won his first career Grand Slam, outlasting Novak Djokovic in a five-set marathon to take the U.S. Open title. The Scottish Murray credited his win to watching the inspirational parts from Braveheart before the match, while Djokovic blamed his loss on watching scenes from the depressing Serbian silent art house film A Lifetime of Sidewalks.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Usain Bolt won his second straight gold medal in the men's 100-meter dash, pulling away from the field and finishing in 9.63 seconds, an Olympic record. The victory had a somewhat odd conclusion as the famously egotistical Bolt spread both arms wide and leaped into the air, expecting to become the first human to fly, only to crash into fourth-place finisher Tyson Gay and curse him out for "standing on the runway like an idiot."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Brewers GM Doug Melvin said that his team will trade Zack Greinke before next Tuesday's deadline. He called up his friend Billy Beane to ask if it sounded desperate, and Beane was like, "yeah a little desperate. Want me to take him off your hands to help you save face?" Melvin teared up. "Thank you. You're such a good friend."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Nick Swisher broke R.A. Dickey's long scoreless streak with a three-run homer, and Robinson Cano hit the game-winning solo shot in the eighth as the Yankees beat the Mets 6-5 to win the Subway Series. The victory gives the Yankees legal control of New York's subway system, but manager Joe Girardi said they may still let the Mets and their fans use the 7 train to Citi Field. "Ehhh," said former pitcher John Rocker, "I wouldn't do that. For a couple reasons … "
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
LeBron James scored 26 points and the Heat overcame Russell Westbrook's 43 points to beat the Thunder 104-98 and take a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals. James hit two huge baskets late in the fourth quarter after suffering thigh cramps that sidelined him for part of the game. Afterward, James seemed to realize the magnitude of what he'd accomplished. "Hey, remember when Michael Jordan had that one game where he played with the flu?" he asked. "Neither do I. It doesn't exist anymore. And if you ever mention it again, neither will you."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Kevin Garnett scored 26 points and Paul Pierce hit a dagger 3 with 52 seconds remaining as the Celtics beat the Heat 94-90 to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference finals. In a sad development to the continuing LeBron James story, the Heat star has taken up slam poetry as a method to cope with his end-of-game struggles. "These prevaricating MEN, I call them al-IEN: Rondo and GARNETT, haven't killed me YET," shouted James, pointing emphatically from the press conference podium. "And you, Mr. Pierce, who call yourself the TRUTH, who are you to proclaim me FALSE?! Where is your … BOOK OF LIES?! For I am a SCRIBE, a son of of the SCROLLS, king of the TRIBE and father of SOULS! Skippedy-bop-bang, cock-a-doodle-DOO, I-got-my-freedoms-and-a-bloobity-BLOO … " The poetry descended into gibberish at that point, and ended with James weeping quietly on Erik Spoelstra's tiny little shoulder.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
LeBron James scored 29 points, grabbed eight boards, and dished out seven assists as the Heat eliminated the Knicks with a 106-94 Game 5 win. After the game, Amar'e Stoudemire stood with clenched fists near a wall in the locker room where three fire extinguishers were hung in close proximity. "Why dost thou tempt me, Lord?!?!" he screamed to the ceiling, before concussing himself with a head-butt.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
In today's installment, I'll ask a question after each recap, and then answer it in scrambled anagram form. It's up to you to decode the (punny) answer. Throw your answers in the Facebook comments, and obviously don't look down there if you want to avoid spoilers.
Chris Paul scored eight of his 27 points in overtime, leading the Clippers to a 101-97 win over the Grizzlies and a 3-1 series lead. After the game, which libertarian presidential ticket did the Clippers star announce? Lone LA-Burp
Manu Ginobili came off the bench to score 17 points as San Antonio finished a four-game sweep of Utah with an 87-81 win. What did coach Gregg Popovich call Ginobili after the game? On Moms Pure Theft
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
LeBron James scored 32 points and grabbed eight boards as the Heat took an insurmountable 3-0 lead on the Knicks, winning 87-70. After the game, James huddled near his locker, speaking quietly on a cell phone. "Thank you, V," he whispered. "It's been as smooth as you promised since the extinguisher incident. But how do you do it?"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The NBA suspended Lakers forward Metta World Peace for seven games after he elbowed James Harden on Sunday. Terrorists, who only saw the headline "World Peace Suspended for 7 Days," released a statement saying it was too short, but that what the hell, they'd take it.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Bobby Valentine apologized to Kevin Youkilis a day after questioning his physical and emotional commitment to the team. Youkilis sat out with a groin injury as the Sox fell to James Shields (8 1/3 innings, 4 hits, 0 runs) and the Rays 1-0. Despite the apology, Valentine's original point about physical commitment seemed to hold true after the game, when Youkilis was spotted doing his famous "groin dance" for a group of female fans.
Well, well! Someone has been reading Machiavelli's The Prince! Or possibly listening to Tupac's Don Killuminati: Makaveli. Either way, Sean Payton is, reportedly, getting into seriously heavy chess moves.
