So much amazing is happening, and the Shootaround crew is here to help you keep track of it all. You'll find takes on moments you might've missed from the previous weekend, along with ones you will remember forever.
Speed Kills
Chris Ryan: Like everyone else, I was wondering how the Thunder, and specifically Kevin Durant, would cope without Russell Westbrook. I hadn't considered the possibility that Durant might compensate for his running buddy's absence by playing like him.
In case you were busy stirring up debate, here's what you missed in sports last weekend.
LeBron James was a near unanimous choice for the NBA's Most Valuable Player award, securing 120 of the 121 available votes. About Last Night is all about starting debate, not shying away from controversy, and being real with the audience, so we salute the brave soul who decided that Carmelo Anthony had a better season than LeBron James. Unfortunately, that voter, who remains anonymous as of press time, didn't go far enough, placing James second on his ballot. That's no way to start a real debate about value in the NBA! For those interested in engaging in the debate, the official ALN MVP ballot (which was submitted to the NBA in the hopes that they would include it, though ALN is, despite much public pressure, still denied a vote) will be revealed at the end of this column.
The Chicago Bulls, again playing without Luol Deng, who was suffering the aftereffects of a spinal-tap procedure gone awry, still managed to close out the Brooklyn Nets, 99-93, to set up a second-round matchup with the Miami Heat. Now I know a lot of people in Chicago are up in arms about whether Deng and Derrick Rose should be playing at less than 100 percent. Here's my thing: I don't think any Chicago Bulls should be playing. Carlos Boozer's steadfast refusal to sit out games is an affront to sports, and he should not be allowed to continue any longer.
In case you were busy making a new nonalcoholic mixed drink that's half soda water, half tonic water called the Van de Velde, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
Playing without Luol Deng, Derrick Rose, and Kirk Hinrich was too much for the Bulls, who fell 95-92 to the Brooklyn Nets. Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau regrettably informed his team of their depleted forces before the game, adding, "I didn't know the games were optional." He then proceeded to drink straight from a bottle of Gilbey's gin, tell Taj Gibson that he wanted to sleep with his sister, and unleash a barrage of awkwardly profuse "real talk about love and pain" upon the injured Hinrich. Bulls forward Carlos Boozer then yelled out his signature catchphrase, "Can you smell the booze stank in the room?!" before being told by Bulls assistant coach Adrian Griffin that games are not optional. A visibly intoxicated Boozer fouled out of his team's defeat in the fourth quarter.
Even though he had another solid outing, Atlanta starter Kris Medlen fell to 1-4 as his Braves lost to the Washington Nationals, 3-1. Medlen, snacking on biscuits after the game, blamed his spotty start to the season on fatigue based on his home life. "I've got young boys, and they're up at all hours," he said. "I've only been a little off, which just makes me think I could be 5-0 if it weren't for those Medlen kids!"
Chris Ryan: At various points last night, during Grantland Live's live-tweet coverage of the Rockets-Thunder game, Chandler Parsons was compared to Brad Pitt's character in True Romance and someone out of a Whit Stillman movie, was described as trade bait for Dwight Howard, and had his possible Los Angeles real estate preferences scrutinized (Manhattan Beach, Beverly Hills). Funny thing happened on the way to making fun of Chandler Parsons: Dude saved the series for Houston.
The Brooklyn Nets took care of business at home, beating the Chicago Bulls, 110-91, to force a return trip to Chicago. Brook Lopez, who led the Nets with 28 points and added 10 rebounds, said after the game, "I dedicated my game to fellow tall Stanford alumnus and twin, Jason Collins, for his bravery today. I have nothing but love." Lopez then hung his head and added, "Unfortunately, I let him down by amassing a large number of points and rebounds. If you're listening, Jason, I'm sorry. But also, I'm really proud of you. I'll try to contribute in fewer tangible ways next game."
A survey of the players and teams making moves in last night's playoff games.
1. Zach Randolph
Zach is back! Fourteen career playoff double-doubles! Lost his headband a couple of times! Clearly the beneficiary of a night spent in a hyperbaric chamber where you pump in 8ball & MJG mixtapes instead of oxygen! Steve Nash should try that. Right, Steve Nash?
In case you were out changing the world with the first-ever mass-produced backyard eagle coop (patent pending), here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
On a day when men in the trenches were in demand, the Kansas City Chiefs selected OT Eric Fisher out of Central Michigan with the first overall pick in the NFL draft. "Oh, that's awesome, I love Eric Fisher," said casual Chiefs fan and Kansas City transplant Bill Franzen. "I remember watching him in college and thinking to myself, 'Man, I hope that guy ends up on my Chiefs.' What an exciting year to have the top pick in the draft. I remember last year; I was in the break room at the actuarial firm where I work, and I was like, 'This team is an Eric Fisher–type talent away from contending.' I just can't wait to watch him stop guys from hitting newly acquired quarterback Alex Smith next year." Franzen then paused, looked over his shoulders and asked in a whisper, "Right? Was that a good reaction to have? I have no idea what to think."
Manti Te'o was among the high-profile prospects to drop out of the first round of the NFL draft. Te'o's embarrassment was compounded by a phone call he received from someone purporting to be an NFL general manager. "He said his name was Trick Footballsworth of the Los Angeles Footballers and that I was for sure going to be his first-round pick," a sheepish Te'o explained after the first round was over. "All I had to do was give him my social security number, some bank passwords, and then mail my car keys to a P.O. Box in Simi Valley. Anyone could've fallen for that, though, so I'm not going to beat myself up too hard over this. Though I do need a ride."
In case you were busy because no one at the game of Celebrity you were playing could get Lark Voorhies, here's what you missed in sports on Monday:
Chris Paul scored his team's last eight points, including an acrobatic runner with 0.1 seconds remaining, as the Los Angeles Clippers edged the Memphis Grizzlies, 93-91, to take a 2-0 lead in their playoff series. "I don't know how he does it," Clippers head coach Vinny Del Negro said after the game. "Seriously. He seems to have a really good understanding of floor spacing and leadership. Is there like, a book he read? Because if so, could anyone tell me the name of it so I can throw it on my Kindle? It would be greatly appreciated."
The Chicago Bulls evened up their series with the Brooklyn Nets with a 90-82 win at the Barclays Center. The Barclays Center is not to be confused with Bar Clay Centre, also located in Brooklyn, which allows patron to both paint their own pottery and sample delicious Belgian ales. Team officials denied rumors that Nets guard Deron Williams, who went 1-for-9 in the loss, mixed the two up before the game. But afterward, there were a suspicious number of shoddily constructed clay trophies strewn about the Nets locker room with "Wurlds #1 PG," and "Chris My Paul," scrawled on them.
Jalen Rose talks to David Jacoby about his experience at the NCAA championship game, what the Michigan locker room was like after the loss, and Jay-Z's new song.
The order of events that have made up the Jay-Z–Brooklyn Nets narrative:
1. "Jay-Z buys New Jersey Nets, moves team to Marcy Projects." (False.) 2. "New Jersey Nets move to Brooklyn, Jay-Z buys team." (Nope.) 3. "New Jersey Nets become Brooklyn Nets, Jay-Z is minority owner in team." (BLACK.) 4. "Jay-Z with very small percentage of team ownership, but EIGHT STRAIGHT BARCLAYS SHOWS, MARCY STAND UP." (Oh, minority as in "small." But how small?) 5. "Jay-Z owns 1/15th of the Brooklyn Nets" (Not quite … ) 6. "Jay-Z owns 1/15th of 1 percent of the Brooklyn Nets." (There it is.) 7. "1/15th of 1 percent = .067 percent." (Yo, that's real small.) 8. "Hov is selling his shares, and that's only 350,000 dollars." (Accurate. Also: wow.)
By Chris Ryan at
Layne Murdoch/NBAE via Getty Images
A survey of the players and teams making moves in last night's NBA action.
1. The Thunder's Body Language
If you have Insider, you should check out David Thorpe's piece on the chemistry of the Oklahoma City Thunder. There's a lot of speculation in the article, a lot based on the very shaky science of body language, most of it suggesting that this is a more selfish Thunder team than ones we've seen in the past. The piece serves as a reminder that if it's spring, it must be time to judge every time Kevin Durant shakes his hands in the air to demand the ball, every time Russell Westbrook ignores him, and every time Serge Ibaka stares into space. Last night? They looked fine to me.
By Spike Friedman at
Layne Murdoch/NBAE via Getty Images
In case you were busy perpetually holding both thumbs up in a tribute to the late Roger Ebert, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
The Oklahoma City Thunder kept the pressure on the San Antonio Spurs in their race for the top seed in the Western Conference playoffs with a 100-88 win at home. The game was decided by the point guards, with Russell Westbrook besting Tony Parker on both ends of the court. "Can a man truly be bested?" Parker asked as he enjoyed a postgame Gauloises. "Or can a man merely throw himself headlong into the illusion of a game for a period of time? Of course the game I am referring to is not basketball, but it is life, and the illusion I am referring to is that we are alive at all, and the period of time I am referring to is forever for a child such as Russell." Parker then allowed himself a grin, before realizing that his smile betrayed his own hypocrisy, and that he was also smoking the lit end of his Gauloises.
The Chicago Bulls went to Brooklyn and came away with a tight 92-90 win over the Nets. When told of the team's travel plans, Bulls forward Carlos Boozer responded, "Oh, I didn't know the Nets played in Brooklyn," before dragging teammate Taj Gibson to a beer garden down in Williamsburg, claiming that he saw Lena Dunham, and telling Kirk Hinrich that he totally had a chance with her because "I've seen that show Girls, and man, you're so in. You are so in." Boozer then, after awkwardly realizing the woman he saw wasn't Lena Dunham at all, yelled out his signature catchphrase, "Can you smell the Booze stank in the room?!" before being admonished by interactive marketing brand account manager Terrence Wilson: "Booze stank," he said, "is a pretty gauche way to refer to the aroma of high-quality Trappist ales." Boozer was so put off by Wilson's attitude that he dropped a double-double on the Nets, despite being "surprisingly tipsy after only two beers."
If you missed yesterday's romp through the Western Conference, then consider this link your message via raven.
Eastern Conference
Indiana Pacers
Steve McPherson: Aha! This is where the Greyjoys come back. Sure, the Iron Islands’ main industries are fishing and pillage, not manufacturing, but the remote, barren life of Balon and his clan can’t be so different from the Midwest, right? The Pacers work a physical, defensive style of ball: According to NBA.com, they play at the sixth-slowest pace, allow the second-fewest points and fewest made 3-pointers, and hold their opponents to the lowest field goal percentage in the league — both from the arc and overall. The Greyjoys take what they want and give nothing in return. Their sigil is a golden kraken that has 10 giant arms. So do the Pacers’ starters: Their average height is just more than 6-foot-6, while their average wingspan is more than 7 feet.
The Pacers’ splashiest recent free agent signing was ... David West? Not very splashy. Their talent, from Danny Granger to Paul George, comes from the draft. Even getting George Hill was more a matter of bringing home a wayward son, given how he grew up in Indianapolis and went to IUPUI. From how they play to how they build their team, the Indiana Pacers, like House Greyjoy, pay the iron price.
A survey of the players and teams making moves in last night's NBA action.
1. Reggie Jackson
Robert Mays: Because Russell Westbrook was playing in a basketball game last night, the broadcast team was contractually obligated to engage in the Most Athletic Point Guard Ever discussion at some point in the telecast. Usually, Westbrook’s now unopposed run to that title is just the most depressing thing in the world, but last night, we found out it was just disingenuous. When Reggie Jackson finished two second-half blow-bys by nearly putting his head in the rim, Kevin Harlan casually dropped that Jackson had the highest vertical of any member of the Thunder. This was the last piece of evidence I needed to know that Westbrook’s anointment is a conspiracy that reaches all corners of the basketball world. Open your eyes, people. He’s not even the most athletic point guard on his team. It’s time for us to rise up against this. (Please come back, Derrick.)
2. Russell Westbrook and Kobe Bryant
Chris Ryan: I know Kobe was having some serious funny-bone issues last night, but there were a couple of plays — the above being a good example — where I seriously thought Kobe was going to reenact the Rob Riggle heart attack (deleted) scene from Step Brothers.
By Chris Ryan at
Nathaniel S. Butler/NBAE via Getty Images
A survey of the players and teams making moves in last night's NBA action.
1. Joe Johnson
Hey, guys, maybe you weren't in the last meeting, so I just want to catch you up. Apparently, the Barclays Center fills up on a cold Tuesday night when Milwaukee comes to town, the crowd actually rocks out a little, the Lakers-Staples theater lighting looks awesome, the Bucks are/were something of an arch-nemesis of the Nets (winning 13 in a row against the franchise, regardless of what side of the East River they were located), and Joe Johnson is now an ice-cold closer with a disturbing, growing dagger collection.
