By Spike Friedman at
Jesse D. Garrabrant/NBAE via Getty Images
In case you were busy watching The Great Gatsby in 3-D as an ill-advised cram session for your 11th-grade English final, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
The Miami Heat rebounded from a disappointing Game 1 defeat by pasting the Chicago Bulls, 115-78, to even up their second-round series. After a pair of ejections, the Bulls found themselves playing without Derrick Rose, Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng, Joakim Noah, and Taj Gibson, meaning they had to play a mostly reserve lineup of B.J. Armstrong, Jud Buechler, Toni Kukoc, Bill Wennington and Luc Longley. Despite the influx of forgotten veterans, the oldest player on the court remained Heat reserve Juwan Howard, who was inactive with "being tired, man; real, real tired."
Klay Thompson had 34 points and 14 rebounds as the Golden State Warriors held off the San Antonio Spurs, 100-91. Midway through Thompson's explosive first half, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was seen staring at the Warriors' wing, mumbling, "decent athleticism, floor-stretching 3-point shooting, on a rookie contract … how do I not possess him?" Popovich then wiped off the small amount of drool that had collected at the corner of his mouth, snapped at Spurs guard Danny Green for being a "lollygagger," before making a mental note to himself to take the title of "general manager" back from R.C. Buford after the game.
By Spike Friedman at
Jeff Siner/Charlotte Observer/MCT/Getty Images
In case you were busy using an already awesome milk shake as the base for an even thicker and more decadent uber-milk shake, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
Sergio Garcia and Marc Leishman shot 6-under to share the opening-round lead at the Masters. Garcia, considered among the best active players to have never won a major, said afterward, "Oh, no, please don't notice I'm leading. I can't choke if I'm not in front. I had no idea my round would be good enough to put me on top. Please, don't even talk to me. Talk to Leishman! Just talk to Leishman! Why won't you just talk to Leishman?!" Garcia then ran into a greenside bunker at the fourth hole, attempting to bury himself in the sand.
The Bulls continued their streak-snapping ways, and Nate Robinson scored 35 points in Chicago's 118-111 win over the New York Knicks at United Center. New York came to Chicago on a 13-game winning streak. Knicks coach Mike Woodson was reflective after the loss, saying, "Oh, we laughed when Erik Spoelstra came in shouting, 'I'm out!' when the Bulls brought down his team's streak earlier this year. And we shrugged off his warning that they'd lay us low, as well. We were sure we'd remain kings of our castle, masters of our domain, lords of our manors. And yet here we are, sweaty, drained, and out of the winning streak contest ourselves."
In case you were busy dancing like no one was watching, despite the fact many, many people were watching, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Clayton Kershaw pitched a shutout and hit a go-ahead home run in the eighth inning as the Los Angeles Dodgers beat the San Francisco Giants, 4-0 to open their 2013 season. "I've been playing at such a high level for a number of years, and now it's time for me to make an impact at every level of the franchise," Kershaw said after the game, while directing traffic in Dodger Stadium's serpentine parking lot, adeptly moving those headed to the 110 away from those headed toward the 101. Kershaw reportedly spent the remainder of his evening helping the grounds crew reseed the playing surface, before finally heading to the locker room to do the team's laundry.
Mike Conley and the Memphis Grizzlies sent the Spurs to their second consecutive defeat, winning in Memphis, 92-90. Conley hit the game-winning shot with six-tenths of a second left on the clock, but was also held without a steal for the first time in 64 games. "I'm out of the game," Conley said after the win. "I've been taking things my whole life, but I'm done. I've got a wife now, and I think a more stable life is what we need." Despite these comments, Conley was, admittedly, "intrigued" by a plan that Marc Gasol was putting together for "one last big score," but at press time had still refused to commit to any more steals in a potential first-round matchup with the Denver Nuggets.
The baseball analytics revolution has helped us answer many questions that might have seemed unknowable before. We can now measure not only a pitcher's velocity but also the exact horizontal and vertical break on his pitches, the precise coordinates of his arm slot, and dozens of other variables. We can calculate the worth of catchers who excel at framing pitches. We can even take the sum of a player's contributions and find a reasonable estimate of his overall value.
Lovely pursuits, all. But mere trivialities next to the most pressing baseball question the world has ever had to face: If Mr. Burns had to re-staff the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team with a lineup full of present-day players, who should he choose?
In honor of ESPN Films' Arnold Palmer documentary, we've done some deep digging and discovered several, perhaps less-popular (or even real) drinks that were discovered by athletes, by happenstance. No, these beverages never took off the way the Arnold Palmer did. Perhaps that's for the best.
The Tiger Woods
Ingredients: Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice and Ambien
It was the summer of 2009 in a soundproof, windowless room, somewhere in the bowels of the Tao Nightclub in Vegas. Unreleased R. Kelly demos played through unattainable Scandinavian sound systems. Maybe someone said, "YO. LET'S GET SLEEPY." Who knows who? Who cares? The next thing you know it's 10 mg of Ambien later and Tiger Woods was praying at Amen Corner. One minute he was stepping in the name of love, the next, it was enter sandman. The next morning, watching Steel Magnolias on Southern Starz, things started to come back into focus for the no. 1 money-earner. Watching the scene in which Sally Field nurses Julia Roberts out of diabetic shock while sitting in a beauty salon, Tiger remembered the faithful words some girl (she said her name was Jocelyn? Was that it?) whispered into his ear. "Shelby, drink your juice." He was floating through the night kitchen all over again. — Chris Ryan
No snark here — this is a nice gesture by a professional athlete, and that's that. Doesn't mean we can't have a little fun, though. See, we Members of the Tribe can be a little insecure about the athletic prowess of our people, despite the success of fellow M-O-Ts such as Ian Kinsler, Kevin Youkilis, and Ryan Braun (he's half, but we're counting it!), Airplanepretty much nailed it.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
J.J. Hardy hit two home runs and a double as the Orioles beat the Rays 9-2 and moved back into a tie for first in the AL East. Hardy's brother Frank went 1-4 with a single as their stoic dad Fenton looked on from the stands, and their plump pal Chet Morton stayed in the dugout practicing card tricks, his latest crazy hobby.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
In the first night of the college football season, Marcus Lattimore ran for 110 yards and two touchdowns as no. 9 South Carolina held off Vanderbilt 17-13. I've never done this before, but Terrence the Grantland Robot, who can't type in lowercase letters and has recently overcome some personal issues, asked me if he could have the lead joke, and I agreed. I'm nervous, but go ahead Terrence: "BEEEP-BOOP-BOP-BEEEP. BEEEP-BOP-BOOOP-BIP-BIP. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM ME, AMERICA?! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? 'MAKE ROBOT NOISES, ROBOT!' YOU'RE ALL RACISTS AND I HATE YOU! THAT'S RIGHT, 'ROBOT' IS A RACE. BEEEP-BOOOP-BOP-BOP!" ("Robot" is not a race, Terrence.)
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Good morning. In today's installment of About Last Night, we're lucky enough to have renowned sports comedy critic Fenwick Vaughnagan on hand to analyze and critique every one of Ryan's jokes. Vaughnagan was born in Caerwys, Wales, and earned international fame for his controversial first book, "You Can't Joke About Rugby, Mate." He moved to America in 1985, and has worked for the Miami Standard-Tribune ever since. Last year, he won the Chloe Herbst Memorial Humour Award for his debut novel "Field of Screams: A Murderous Romp Through America's Ballparks."
Note: Due to space limitations, we weren't able to include Ryan's joke and Vaughnagan's critique, so the actual jokes have been omitted.
Bryce Harper hit two home runs and was ejected for spiking his helmet — both career firsts — as the Nationals ended a five-game losing streak with an 8-4 win over the Marlins. CRITIQUE: "Ryan starts out a bit weak here, it must be said, with a tenuous and rather offensive connection between Harper and former president Jimmy Carter that wouldn't have drawn a laugh even among the yokels at the 1980 Republican convention. And at the risk of sounding like a prude, was it really necessary to use the word f--- 18 times in one sentence?"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Mariners icon Ichiro Suzuki was traded to the Yankees hours before the two teams played in Seattle, a game the Yankees won 4-1 as Ichiro went 1-4 with a stolen base. I'm not really supposed to editorialize in this space, but I think it's fair to say that the trade is the worst thing to happen to Seattle sports fans since Starbucks hero Howard Schultz was forced to courageously move the Supersonics to Oklahoma after it became clear that the city didn't love them enough.
NEW TOLEDO, OHIO TERRITORY, NEW EARTH, April 28, 3012 — All the dignitaries were there to witness Two Saints Day. Robothal v297.0 recorded all the pageantry with its trademark bleeps and bloops. Giving the keynote speech was Ted Williams's Unfrozen Head, Emperor of New Earth.
"We are here today to celebrate the birth of the Golden Age of Man," said Ted Williams's Unfrozen Head. "On this blessed day, 1,000 years ago, the Chosen Ones first toiled at their craft together. And lo, doth the world remain in their debt, then and forever more."
It was a blessed event, a celebration of the day Mike Trout and Bryce Harper made their debuts as full-time players together in Major League Baseball. The Chosen Ones both won Rookie of the Year honors that season. More than that, they unleashed a worldwide revolution, one that would bring peace, harmony, and prosperity to the planet until the end of time.
Standing on the podium, beaming with pride, was Major League Baseball Commissioner Allan Huber "Bud" Selig. Looking spry at the tender age of 1,077, the Commissioner reveled in the glory his game had brought to the world. Addressing the throng, he extolled the virtues of Saint Michael and Saint Bryce, and the everlasting joy that emanated from their holy spirits. Thanks to the Saviors, Bud Selig had earned the undying admiration of all living creatures. No one, anywhere, had a better job. And he knew it.
"Next year," the Commissioner said with a wink, "I might even retire."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
It's official. The Knicks announced Tuesday night that they won't match Houston's offer for point guard Jeremy Lin. "I have a feeling if we play hard to get, ole Mr. Lon is gonna come crawling right back to Big Daddy Jim," said Knicks owner James Dolan, mispronouncing Lin's last name hours after the guard tweeted that he was excited to join the Rockets.
It was an 8-0 blowout that was decided by the fourth. Both sides breezed through 1-2-3 inning after 1-2-3 inning thereafter — great if you're a student of pitching, not so much if you're looking for fireworks. And the game ended with a retired manager making sure he could lull fans to sleep one more time before hanging 'em up. But we still counted 13 lucky, awesome, winsome, and gruesome random moments from the 83rd MLB All-Star Game:
13. Luke Bryan would like a moment. Actually, he'd like all the moments.
The country singer's rendition of the national anthem took so long, it ripped a hole in the space-time continuum. As a reminder, the only person who's allowed to stretch out the anthem is Marvin Gaye. Although there's also something to be said for doing it like this.
Mailbag time! If you've got a question for a future fantasy baseball post, e-mail grantlandfantasy@gmail.com, or do as these fine folks did by tweeting questions to me here: @jonahkeri.
Where does Chris Sale rank in a pitcher-heavy 12-team keeper league? Worth keeping or trading for a first overall pick?
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
LeBron James is a remorseless assassin, his own secret society, the ultimate trump card, the French connection and the Spanish main, a beautiful mind, the spirit of the eagle, a healer of souls, a printer of money, the first banana republic, the last crusade, a certified doctor of mojo, an honorary doctor of funk, and an honest-to-god NBA champion. And that's all I have to say about that.
