Don't believe what you read. The 0-13 season endured by this year's dreadful Indianapolis Colts team didn't start with a 27-point loss to the Texans in Week 1. It didn't start with their 20-point loss to the Rams in the opening week of the NFL preseason in August. It didn't start when Peyton Manning underwent neck fusion surgery, or when he was placed on the Physically Unable to Perform list, or even when he first started feeling neck pain all the way back in February. No; this disastrous waste of the disposable income of the fine people of Indianapolis dates back much further than all that. In fact, it started all the way back in April of 2007, while the Colts were basking in the glow of their first Super Bowl win since 1970.
Ryan Pickspatrick threw three picks, had only 146 yards passing, led the Bills to a 37-point loss in Dallas, and didn’t even make the BQBL Top Three Scorers this week.
Week 10 the competition between stiffs was, well, stiff (never too early in the scorecard for a hacky joke). Curtis TAINTer was benched for the second consecutive week, Josh Freeman was benched, Tim Tebow completed only two passes the entire game, and Matthew Stafford tried to decapitate a man. That happened. After throwing an interception, Matthew Stafford tried to remove D.J. Moore’s head from his shoulders. As you can imagine, it didn’t go over well with Mr. Moore.
Welcome to BQBL 101: If you are Philip Rivers, and you throw a pick-six, what should you do with the next possession? Correct, throw another pick-six. If you are John Skelton and you hold on to the ball too long for a safety, what should you do on the next possession? Correct, hold onto the ball too long for another safety. If you are Curtis TAINTer and you string together consecutive three-and-outs, what should you do on the next possession? What was that? Go three-and-out again? Wrong, you should be replaced by Dan Orlovsky, a quarterback who is best known for spazzing out and running out of the back of his own end zone. (Click on it. He really did that once.)
This week even Philip Rivers’ twin pick-sixes with a Romo chaser couldn’t top the duo of disgusting that was the Colts’ Curtis TAINTer and Orlovsky.
Today is the day that everything returns to normal. No more costumes, no more candy, no more Charlie Whitehurst, and no more Tebowing. Please, no more Tebowing. I have seen enough Tebowing.
This week in football was so bizarre we all just need to get back to our regular lives for a few days to regain perspective. Tarvaris Jackson looked like Warren Moon, Drew Brees looked like Tarvaris Jackson, and the professional athlete who threw for the most touchdowns was Kevin Durant. It was refreshing to see Durant and the bros of Sigma Nu really embrace the lateral to advance the football. I have always suspected it could be more effective in the NFL. True offensive innovators, those Sigma Nu boys. I can’t wait to draft them next season in the Grantland Stillwater Oklahoma Intramural Football Special Teams Fantasy League.
Every movement has a defining moment. The American Revolution had the Boston Tea Party. The hippies had Woodstock. Occupy Wall Street has well, regardless, the BQBL’s defining moment occurred on October 23, 2011, in Week 7 of the NFL schedule. For generations to come, on the morning of October 23, families clad in Carson Palmer, Curtis Painter, and A.J. Feeley jerseys will grab a football, head to the backyard, and throw errant passes to each other in recognition of this glorious day.
Keeping with BQBL Day tradition, the elder generations will describe the events of Week 7 in 2011 to the young'uns while aimlessly scrambling around the yard and throwing passes 30 feet over their heads. They will tell of the mythical Matt Hasselbeck and his 104 passing yards against the Texans. They will repeat the story of Palmer, who helped solidify a scoreless afternoon for his Raiders and — keeping with BQBL Day tradition — they will don a long blond wig and detail exactly how Painter, on national television, willed his team to lose by 55 points. Then, BQBL Day will culminate with the whole family around the dinner table, poised to dive into their traditional BQBL Day feast of nachos, buffalo wings, and HGH flakes, and they will first all take turns telling the tale of the Miami Miracle. The day that it was revealed to the world that Timothy Richard Tebow was not only the greatest quarterback to ever play the game of football, but the greatest man to ever walk the earth. I can’t wait until next year. I think I am going to adopt a son right now.
The following is a list of adult men who threw passes on Sunday in the National Football League: John Beck, Christian Ponder, Kyle Boller, and wait for it Vince Young. And if that wasn’t enough to have fans of repulsive quarterbacking Harbaugh handshaking each other, with Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell out with a broken collarbone, the Raiders are reportedly close to acquiring Carson Palmer. If the deal does happen, there is little doubt that at some point this season, he will be joining the above list of esteemed field generals. Good news for Raiders fans, bad news for those of us who couldn't wait to see Terrelle Pryor make a run at scoring quadruple-digit BQBL points in a single week.
But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. This week there was plenty for fans of failure.
After only three weeks, it is clear no quarterback is going to go an entire season without finding himself atop the weekly BQBL leaderboard. Ask Ben Roethlisberger. Even when you have Hall of Fame stats, Super Bowl rings, and a supermodel wife, at some point, you are going to end up next to Mike Kafka and Andy Dalton on the BQBL Summer Jam screen. Yes, I am talking to you, Tom Brady. But before we get to our beUGGed hero’s four-interception week, let’s take a look at a couple of rule amendments and clarifications:
Great, now we’re going to have to put up with the Great Kerry Collins Un-Retirement Watch every August until the end of time. We finally get Brett Favre’s career put in the ground, and you job us like this, Kerry? And you, Indianapolis Colts. This was your contingency plan in case Peyton Manning missed time? Signing a guy whose best moment came in an NFC title game 10 years ago?