With all the rookie quarterbacks in the NFL BQBL this year, you'd think that there would be more fresh faces on the BQBL Summer Jam Screen. Aside from the artist currently known as Ryan Lindley, the rookie crop has been more or less serviceable. The most entertainingly inept TAINTers have actually been quarterbacks that were at one time labeled franchise guys, guys considered for the elusive (and ridiculous) “elite” label. Look at this week’s top three: Matt Stafford (remember when he was giving the Lions “swagger”?); Ryan Fitzpatrick (remember when his brain was saving Buffalo?); and Josh Freeman (someone that works here at Grantland may or may not have written less than a month ago that he continues “to be totally, unequivocally, 100 percent sold on Skinny Josh Freeman and the undeniably explosive Bucs”). Let’s see how that worked out in Week 14 for Skinny Josh Freeman and his “undeniably explosive Bucs.”
Don't believe what you read. The 0-13 season endured by this year's dreadful Indianapolis Colts team didn't start with a 27-point loss to the Texans in Week 1. It didn't start with their 20-point loss to the Rams in the opening week of the NFL preseason in August. It didn't start when Peyton Manning underwent neck fusion surgery, or when he was placed on the Physically Unable to Perform list, or even when he first started feeling neck pain all the way back in February. No; this disastrous waste of the disposable income of the fine people of Indianapolis dates back much further than all that. In fact, it started all the way back in April of 2007, while the Colts were basking in the glow of their first Super Bowl win since 1970.
Ryan Pickspatrick threw three picks, had only 146 yards passing, led the Bills to a 37-point loss in Dallas, and didn’t even make the BQBL Top Three Scorers this week.
Week 10 the competition between stiffs was, well, stiff (never too early in the scorecard for a hacky joke). Curtis TAINTer was benched for the second consecutive week, Josh Freeman was benched, Tim Tebow completed only two passes the entire game, and Matthew Stafford tried to decapitate a man. That happened. After throwing an interception, Matthew Stafford tried to remove D.J. Moore’s head from his shoulders. As you can imagine, it didn’t go over well with Mr. Moore.
Welcome to BQBL 101: If you are Philip Rivers, and you throw a pick-six, what should you do with the next possession? Correct, throw another pick-six. If you are John Skelton and you hold on to the ball too long for a safety, what should you do on the next possession? Correct, hold onto the ball too long for another safety. If you are Curtis TAINTer and you string together consecutive three-and-outs, what should you do on the next possession? What was that? Go three-and-out again? Wrong, you should be replaced by Dan Orlovsky, a quarterback who is best known for spazzing out and running out of the back of his own end zone. (Click on it. He really did that once.)
This week even Philip Rivers’ twin pick-sixes with a Romo chaser couldn’t top the duo of disgusting that was the Colts’ Curtis TAINTer and Orlovsky.
Every movement has a defining moment. The American Revolution had the Boston Tea Party. The hippies had Woodstock. Occupy Wall Street has well, regardless, the BQBL’s defining moment occurred on October 23, 2011, in Week 7 of the NFL schedule. For generations to come, on the morning of October 23, families clad in Carson Palmer, Curtis Painter, and A.J. Feeley jerseys will grab a football, head to the backyard, and throw errant passes to each other in recognition of this glorious day.
Keeping with BQBL Day tradition, the elder generations will describe the events of Week 7 in 2011 to the young'uns while aimlessly scrambling around the yard and throwing passes 30 feet over their heads. They will tell of the mythical Matt Hasselbeck and his 104 passing yards against the Texans. They will repeat the story of Palmer, who helped solidify a scoreless afternoon for his Raiders and — keeping with BQBL Day tradition — they will don a long blond wig and detail exactly how Painter, on national television, willed his team to lose by 55 points. Then, BQBL Day will culminate with the whole family around the dinner table, poised to dive into their traditional BQBL Day feast of nachos, buffalo wings, and HGH flakes, and they will first all take turns telling the tale of the Miami Miracle. The day that it was revealed to the world that Timothy Richard Tebow was not only the greatest quarterback to ever play the game of football, but the greatest man to ever walk the earth. I can’t wait until next year. I think I am going to adopt a son right now.