In case you were busy clearing your name in the best place for levelheaded legal analysis: sports talk radio, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
The Knicks failed to make a late lead stand up, as Paul George and the Pacers topped New York, 103-96, in overtime. "But dad," a young boy in Queens said after the game, as he held his head in his hands. "All they had to do was not foul Paul George on the 3. Why would they foul him, dad? Why?" His father sat on the couch, staring forward, his gaze extending through the television, out to infinity. "Because, son," the father said, mindlessly crushing a beer can in his left hand. "Because the world is a cruel and ugly place. Because the universe bends toward entropic chaos. Because man is nothing more than a wad of rotten flesh stretched over an angry skeleton." The boy was crying a little now, but he managed to mumble, "But I don't understand." The father turned to his boy as he said with profound clarity, "Because Knicks, son. Because Knicks."
Despite a season-high 33 points from Dwight Howard, the Houston Rockets
fell, 123-120, at the hands of the Dallas Mavericks, who improved to 6-0 at home. "Ha-ha, yes!" Howard said after the game despite his team's loss. "What a night! What a night!" When asked if he was talking about his own breakout performance, Howard replied, "Nah, man. Did you see when Dirk totally slipped and fell over? And I was all like, 'Nirk!' And he was all like, 'Nirk?' and I was all like, 'Yeah, Nirk D'oh-witzki!'" Howard then collapsed in hysterics before gathering himself and saying, "He didn't get it, but man, he got covered in Dwight-Out."
What the hell was that? What was supposed to be a grudge match featuring the league’s highest profile free agent leading the league’s most rapidly ascendant team to a victory over his depleted former team turned out to be a nightmare in Houston. It was an ugly exposé of what might be gaping holes in the Rockets' ability to win basketball games.
In case you were out realizing the road less traveled is less traveled because it goes to Buffalo, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
Baylor's speed was too much for Oklahoma as the Bears throttled the Sooners, 41-12, in Waco. "They say speed kills, and it did a number on us here tonight," Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops said after the game. "But I'm still alive." Stoops then looked around him; how did he get to this nondescript waiting room? Why was he talking to Bo Pelini? And what was the number "41” in his hand in reference to? "41," the talking skeleton behind the desk called. Stoops raised his hand. "Come on up, Bob," the skeleton said. "Welcome to limbo, Bob." Stoops looked around him, and saw the faces of Will Muschamp, Steve Sarkisian, and Mack Brown. "Limbo?" Stoops asked. "Limbo," the skeleton replied. "Now you can wait here for your second-tier bowl berth." Stoops raised his hand and said, "Now wait a minute, we're still alive for— " but the skeleton cut him off and said, "Limbo, Bob. Welcome to limbo."
In case you were busy backing up your asshole son by trolling online forums incognito, here's what you missed in sports on Monday:
Josh McCown led the Bears to a 27-20 win over an injury-depleted Green Bay Packers squad at Lambeau Field, creating a three-team logjam at the top of the NFC North at the midway point of the season. "There's only gonna be one way to settle this," said Packers head coach Mike McCarthy after the game. "We'll have to play the rest of our schedules." McCarthy then looked down at a laminated sheet of paper that said "Trust your gut, big guy," looked back up, smiled, and said, Yep, I'm almost positive we'll just have to play the rest of the games to determine who wins."
In case you were busy coming around to the idea that Cowboys tight end Jason Witten is just the sort of guy who sometimes has to be yelled at, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
In what may prove to be the biggest upset of the entire NBA season, the Philadelphia 76ers stormed out to an early 19-0 lead before holding on late to beat the two-time defending champion Miami Heat 114-110. Rookie point guard Michael Carter-Williams looked like a star, putting up 22 points, 12 assists, nine steals, and seven rebounds in his NBA debut. Unfortunately, Carter-Williams was shut down for the season after the game by 76ers GM Sam Hinkie for what he described as "precautionary reasons." When asked to clarify, Hinkie said, "I'm hoping this will serve as a precaution to the rest of the team as to where looking like a star will get you."
The Red Sox are your 2013 World Series champions after John Lackey powered Boston past the St. Louis Cardinals, 6-1, in a deciding Game 6. "Just as I predicted," said Boston superfan Aaron Sullivan. "Lackey brings us another banner. Never doubted that it would happen." When asked specifically when he made that prediction, Sullivan replied, "Fourth inning, right after we went up 6-0. And I swear I only backed off it three or four times," before promising to name one of his middle children John Lackey Sullivan, assuming that one of them came out looking a little squished.
Just a quick one to end the day after a long week of NBA preview stuff from our end. Check out the Triangle All-Stars, The X-Files, Bill and Jalen's NBA Previews, and all of Zach Lowe’s stuff getting you ready for the NBA season. It's almost here, brothers and sisters. Last night the Rockets beat the Spurs by 17 in a preseason contest and I got legit euphoric at the thought of these two Texas teams clashing all year long. We'll leave you with some Harden and Howard highlights. Four more days!
A sterling combined effort from a trio of rookie pitchers led the St. Louis Cardinals to a 4-2 win over the Boston Red Sox, evening up the World Series at a game apiece. The game hinged on the Cardinals' aggressive baserunning and a clutch hit from veteran outfielder Carlos Beltran, once again proving that the same things that won big games in the mid-'60s will still win them today.
We're still two weeks away from Halloween, but Dwight Howard already found his costume. He's going as Dwight Howard, Midseason Destroyer of Team Morale and Media Carnival Freak Show. All he has to do is open his mouth and he looks exactly the part.
We've been getting in the mood for basketball for a few weeks now, but the NBA season doesn't officially begin until Media Day.
That's when everything that's amazing and ridiculous comes back at once. The photos, the quotes, the trash talk, the outrageous predictions. It's all there. And it's been even better the past few years, because Twitter makes it easier than ever to share all the best moments. With the help of Danny Chau and the rest of the NBA Internet, let's run through some important moments from around the league.
In case you were busy wishing you could just be a linebacker, and not the go-to name when someone gets tricked on the Internet, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday:
Chris Davis's 12th-inning single gave the Orioles a 5-3 win over Boston, leaving the Red Sox's magic number for clinching the AL East at three. "Yeah it is. Oh, three, is a magic number," Red Sox manager John Farrell sang after the game before leading his team in a Schoolhouse Rock sing-along that both raised team morale and clarified for second baseman Dustin Pedroia exactly how a bill becomes a law.
Desmond Jennings's walk-off single was the final blow in the Tampa Bay Rays' back-and-forth extra-inning 4-3 win over the Texas Rangers. "Even if we have a lot of kids and other team's rejects, we have a great team spirit that I think is going to bring us into the postseason," said Rays manager Joe Maddon, who was dressed as Oscar the Grouch in a strange bit of morale-draining one-upmanship. "Because we here in Tampa love trash. We love it because it's trash."
Dwight Howard has been a Houston Rocket for several weeks. I sent him some text messages.
Me: Dwight, you know what'd be cool? Dwight: If I hired some scientists to build a machine that turned trash into ice cream? Me: What? No, fool. Dwight: You're telling me that's not gonna at least be a little bit cool? Me: I mean, I guess. No, but listen. If you changed your last name to something that started with a T, your initials would be DDT, and that's one of the best wrestling moves of all time. Think on that. Dwight: I got the trash cream idea watching Wall-E. Me: 1. That's a terrible name. 2. That's actually a really dope movie. Dwight: I KNOW OMG WHEN HE'S TRYING TO MAKE THAT ONE GIRL ROBOT HIS GF I WAS LIKE :') TEARS TEARS TEARS
Dwight Howard is a Houston Rocket. He lives in Houston. So do I. I sent him some text messages.
[no response] Dwight: Hey
[no response] Dwight: Shea Dwight: SHEA Dwight: SHEA Dwight: SHEA Dwight: SHEA Me: Dawg, are you serious? Dwight: ? Me: It’s 3 a.m. Dwight: Yep Me: wtf do you mean yep? I’m asleep, man. Dwight: if you’re asleep, how are you texting me? Dwight: oooohhhh buuuuuuurn Me: :/ Dwight: why are you asleep? I thought writers kept late hours. Me: I guess. I’m a teacher first, though. Dwight: Word! I had no idea. You ever see the movie with Morgan Freeman? The one where he screams. Me: Yes. It’s called Lean on Me.
Dwight: You sure? Me: dude Dwight: because I always get it confused with Stand by Me Me: the one where the four young boys go see the dead body? Dwight: Yes! Dwight: The titles sound the same Me: I guess Dwight: everyone’s like, “hey, have you ever seen Lean on Me?” I’m like, “Yeah! Isn’t that one part gross where the go in the pond and then come out covered in leeches?!” Me: … I gotta go, man. Dwight: leeches are gross
When Dwight Howard made his move to Texas, it gave the Houston Rockets the second star the team had been hoping to acquire since last season’s trade for James Harden. The presence of the seven-time All-Star center is certainly a boost to the organization’s title aspirations, but because of Howard’s arrival, incumbent starter Omer Asik — a vital part of last season’s success — now finds himself in basketball limbo, unsure of whether his next stop is a new team, a new role, or a new position. How the Rockets proceed with the Turkish big man will determine how, and most importantly how well, the team will play next season.
Dwight Howard has been a Houston Rocket for four weeks. I sent him some text messages.
Me: hey. You read that thing about LeBron if he was a football player? Think you could make it in the nfl? Dwight: didn't see it. Gary was sick. Me: what? Who's gary? Dwight: gary's my reader. Me: your what? Dwight: my reader. I don't read. Me: :/ like, you don't know how? Dwight: of course I know how, prick. I just don’t want to. Gary reads everything to me. He just follows me around and reads everything. I never do it. Me: man, you're like goddamn Hakeem from Coming to America Dwight: haha. Right. Funny. (Terry's not laughing. He's never seen it.) Me: Terry? Dwight: Yes. Terry. I don't type. Terry's the guy that types for me. You don't have a Gary or a Terry? Me: bro, how much money do you think normal humans make a year? Dwight: I don't know. A Jared Dudley-worth? Me: dude Dwight: Ewww. You make less than Jared Dudley? A Chris Andersen-worth? A Sebastian Telfair-worth? No. no way. Me: :/ Dwight: YOU MAKE LESS THAN SEBASTIAN TELFAIR??? He made less than $2M last year. I heard he had to fire his reader. What about your reader? Omg did you fire him? How do you know what's on tv or what's on a menu? You're living like a caveman. Shea, what's the difference between you and a monkey? Really. Me: i hate you
Dwight Howard has been a Houston Rocket for three weeks. I sent him some text messages.
Me: yo, yo Dwight: hey Me: so, man, I mean are you really in the news this much all the time? Dwight: what do you mean? Me: well, right around the time that you signed up with Houston, I set up a "dwight howard" email alert and every day there are four or five stories about you Dwight: :) i have a dwight howard email alert also. Me: I figured. So there are always this many stories about you? Dwight: I also have one for "Houston rockets" and I also have one for "hotdog fistfight" Me: um, what? Dwight: What what? Me: what do you mean what what? Hot dog fistfight, bro Dwight: oh. it mostly just returns zero results but, I'm saying, what if a video pops up of a hot dog fistfight? I don't wanna miss that. Me: What's a hot dog fistfight though? Dwight: I DON'T KNOW THAT'S WHY I HAVE THE ALERT. Me: :/ Dwight: it could be something ordinary like two guys that get in a fight over a hot dog (I saw a video like that last year) but it could be something amazing like two actual hot dogs that fight each other Me: cartoon hot dogs? Dwight: real hot dogs Me: this is the most I've ever talked about hot dogs in my life Dwight: did you ever see that documentary The Golden Child? Me: not a documentary but sure I saw it Dwight: remember that part where the kid makes the soda can get up and start dancing around? Me: sure Dwight: what if that kid shows up one day and decides he wants to make two hot dogs get up and fistfight each other??? Do you really wanna be the guy that misses that video? Me: jesus christ