In case you were busy getting a fragment of moose antler removed from your foot seriously here's what you missed in sports on Monday:
- Josh McCown threw for four touchdowns and ran for a fifth as the Chicago Bears continued their dominant offensive form, scything through the Dallas defense en route to a 45-28 win over the Cowboys. "Oh, this is about to get good," Cowboys owner and general manager Jerry Jones said after the game as he held his hands in the air. "Now if someone will just please put my firing gloves on my hands, I will head on down to Garrett's office and get to work." Unfortunately for Jones, he had already fired his glove guy, along with the guy who tells him when he's already fired his glove guy so he doesn't awkwardly wait around for the glove guy to put gloves on his hands when there's no glove guy coming. So Jones did wait around, awkwardly waiting for a nonexistent glove guy to come and put gloves on his hands. This gave Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett just enough time to slip onto the team bus, preserving his job for at least another day.
- Evgeni Malkin scored in his return to the ice as the Pittsburgh Penguins took down the Columbus Blue Jackets 2-1. "This is the worst thing to happen in Columbus sports in recent memory," said Blue Jackets winger Matt Calvert. "Our hometown is devastated and it's completely our fault." When told he should maybe go easy on himself and that other things may have happened to sour the city's mood, Calvert rended his garments and wailed, "No! Ours is a city emotionally tuned in to Blue Jackets hockey right now, and nothing else is dictating the palpable sense of disappointment that is hanging over the sports fans of the city like a poisonous mist. It's just Blue Jackets hockey. Nothing else!"