Every now and then, we will attempt to write the worst sports column on earth. Today: Let's talk about Robert Griffin and common sense.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Spend a day or two in our nation's capital, and it won't take long to find an argument. Everyone wants to play hardball, and you can't help but get caught in the crossfire. Trust me, I've lived my whole life in this city. And you know what'll really start a debate around here?
Bring up the Redskins.
Oh yeah, this town can filibuster about the home team all day long.
And that's what makes it so remarkable — with RG3 controversy dominating headlines all summer long, nobody wants to touch the toughest talking point of all.
It's Rivalry slash Thanksgiving Week, when teams who have historically aggravated one another by virtue of shared geography, but who may not even be in the same conference in 2012, meet up for an annual gathering of bad feelings. This is the week for Florida–Florida State, Georgia Tech–Georgia, South Carolina–Clemson, and more. But before we get to the top 10 games, let's take a quick look at the perfect scenario for the final few weeks of college football, and let's do it in stream-of-consciousness form. For the ultimate comedic and poetic payoff, here's what has to happen:
Oregon loses to Oregon State, Georgia loses to Georgia Tech, Florida loses to Florida State, Alabama loses to Georgia in SEC title game, Georgia Tech beats Florida State in ACC title game, Kansas State loses to Texas, Stanford beats UCLA then loses to UCLA in Pac-12 title game, Louisville beats Rutgers but loses in a bowl game, Wisconsin beats Nebraska in Big Ten title game, Notre Dame loses to USC, Oklahoma wins out, Kent State and Northern Illinois both lose in bowls.
First, none of those outcomes are unlikely. All of them put together? Highly unlikely. But humor me for a second, because these are the teams that would earn automatic BCS berths if that scenario plays out: Georgia Tech, Georgia, Louisville, Wisconsin, UCLA, and Oklahoma. And the national title game would probably be Notre Dame vs. Georgia. Now, let's say Notre Dame, at 11-1, loses to 11-2 Georgia. Also, Ohio State beats Michigan this week.
The result? Zero bowl-eligible teams with even a one-loss record, and a BCS champion in Georgia that lost 35-7 to South Carolina, and suffered a hypothetical loss to Georgia Tech. The whole college landscape is a dusty wasteland. And then, rising amid the destruction, like a glorious phoenix, is Urban Meyer with his 12-0 Ohio State team. So riddle me this — could the AP poll, which is independent of the BCS, really put the Buckeyes anywhere but no. 1? I say no, and that means Ohio State would win a split national championship. The same Ohio State that's banned from postseason play because some kid got a free tattoo, and the same Ohio State that barely beat Cal at home, escaped from Indiana, and needed a miracle to beat Purdue in overtime.
And when all that happens, I'm going to phone up the BCS and just start laughing in their faces. A dude can dream.
If you love football and hate reality, then make sure to tune into the Big Ten Network tonight at 9 Eastern for the latest installment in its Icons series. Tonight's Icon is legendary Nebraska Cornhuskers coach Tom Osborne. It promises to be a fascinating appreciation of a gridiron legend who built a mighty program and maintained a sterling reputation both on and off the field. It also promises to be like that time in junior high when you said you had a girlfriend who lived in Canada, because during Osborne's tenure (1973-1997) the Huskers were in the Big Eight and later the Big Twelve, but never played a down as a member of the Big Ten, which they joined this season. As easy as it is to get confused amidst all that repetition of the word "big," facts are facts. And yet here we have the Big Ten Network acting as if all of Nebraska's football history has suddenly been retroactively assumed into that of its new home conference. Unimaginative truthmongers might find this somewhat troubling. We'd go a step further: It's vaguely Stalinist.