So what do you do when you are a disgraced major character from the Bountygate saga, best known for coining the phrase "kill the head and the body will die," and testifying against the guys who played for you and the coaches who worked with you? Obviously, you grow an Evil Abed beard and join the Tennessee Titans staff! How is this even a question?
In case you were busy deciding who to eat first in case this whole blizzard thing gets out of hand, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The Chicago Bulls and Toronto Raptors are reportedly exploring a trade that would send Carlos Boozer to Toronto in exchange for Andrea Bargnani. When Bulls general manger Gar Forman came down to practice to address the exploratory trade rumors, Boozer responded, "Oh, I didn't know we were exploring trades." Boozer then brought out a pile of furs and silks, and began to barter aggressively with reserve power forward Taj Gibson. When Gibson passed on Boozer's textiles, Boozer began hawking his wares to Kirk Hinrich, using his signature catchphrase, "Can you smell the Booze stank in the room?! Because I must be drunk to have prices this low!" Boozer wound up trading three silk scarves, a knit shawl, and a beaver pelt to Bulls assistant coach Adrian Griffin in exchange for a side of goat, which Boozer then roasted for his teammates as a traditional offering to show he wasn't concerned with the rumors. The Bulls, overfull with goat, then lost to the Nuggets, 128-96, in Denver.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Sources report that the NFL Players Association had the tapes of Gregg Williams's violent bounty speech before they became public. Instead of outing him publicly for targeting players, though, the NFLPA used the audio to make two sick techno tracks: "Kill the Head and the Body Will Die," and "A Mind Troubled by Doubt." Both tracks are scheduled to be released by NFL Films in mid-August on the album Bounty Sheriff.
You know what's crazy about the audio of Gregg Williams's pregame speech that was released to the media today? Everything. It's pretty crazy. You know what is funny about it, though? For all the "kill the head and the body will die," Brando at the end of Apocalypse Now, and tribal nonsense Williams told the Saints before their playoff game with the San Francisco 49ers, some of the source material was actually rather delicate and feminine. The guy quoted Memoirs of a Geisha.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Tim Tebow is officially a New York Jet. The Broncos traded their former quarterback to New York, along with a seventh-round pick, for two earlier picks in this April's draft. As longtime readers of this post will know, Tim Tebow and Rex Ryan are prominent figures in the About Last Night canon. The fact that they're now teamed up is just insane news for me, and I've decided to commemorate it with a spiritual sonnet called "The Glutton Tempts the Son."
The Glutton Tempts the Son
The Son has heard the Jet's seductive roar
The Glutton licks the bone and sips the wine
Of Jersey fair the Son recalls the shore
But not the Glutton's castle made of swine
"Come here my friend, it's past the chocolate oak!"
Cries the Glutton, reaching out his hand.
The Son resists — a frown — "is this a joke?
"God's heaven is the only charm'd land!"
"Philistine," the Glutton stops to mutter,
"Profane ye not my palaces of cheer.
Breaded streets proceed to lakes of butter:
Adipose Rex, I'm called, and we are here!"
"Such wonders!" cries the Son, "unhand thy fork. It truly is a castle made of pork!"
—March 22, 2012
(I don't even know, guys. I don't even know what's up right now. All I can say is that Tebow and Rex are on the same team, and one way or another a sonnet had to go down.)