Every year, Forbes puts out a list of the 10 most disliked athletes in sports. Usually, that list is pretty much what you’d guess. A year ago, Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, and Plaxico Burress stood (or sulked) at the top. In this year’s version, released yesterday, the top three again didn’t provide much of a surprise: Lance Armstrong (cheater, Oprah interviewee, all-around dickhead), Manti Te’o (fake dead girlfriend embellisher), and Woods.
The surprise, at least to me, comes at no. 4. With an approval rating of just 21 percent, Jay Cutler is the most disliked athlete in America who’s never given a nationally televised mea culpa. Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t see anything regarding Cutler with clear eyes, and that the guy kind of seems like an asshole. But is he really more of an asshole now than he used to be?
The thought had lingered all weekend — for the past couple weekends, actually — but it took Matt Schaub’s trip to Foxborough for it to take hold. Houston had just completed another seven-yard pass on a third-and-8, and as it became clear that the Texans’ tailspin would end with nothing more than a death rattle, I wondered whether this was it for Matt Schaub.
This doesn’t mean I think Schaub’s time in Houston is over. Matt Schaub will be the Texans’ starting quarterback next season, and he probably should be. In every season in which Matt Schaub started 16 games, he’s thrown for 4,000 yards. He’s been to the Pro Bowl twice, the most recent trip being just last season. In the world, there are probably 15 men better than Matt Schaub at what Matt Schaub does. The problem for the Texans, and the problem for a handful of teams around the league, is that Matt Schaub’s competence may actually be their undoing.
I’ll admit that I, too, went right to the South Park jokes, but alas, it looks like Marc Trestman is now my buddy, guy. The Chicago Bears hired their 14th head coach in team history early this morning, and they didn’t just get him from a different country. They got him from a city that doesn’t speak English. OK, that’s all of them. I promise.
Since Jimmy Johnson’s tweet a few days ago, it seemed like the Trestman hire was drifting toward inevitability. The Montreal Alouettes head coach was one of three finalists announced yesterday, and after another full day at Halas Hall, the Bears have their guy. When Lovie Smith was fired after a 10-6 season, part of the reasoning was supposedly that new Bears GM Phil Emery wanted a coach who fit his image for the franchise. Well, now he has a coach who actually fitshisimage.
On any given Sunday (or Monday, or Thursday), your NFL Run & Shootaround crew will be gathered around multiple televisions, making inappropriate jokes and generally regressing to the mean. Catch up on all the NFL action right here.
When I Paint My Masterpiece
This is a video of Adrian Peterson highlights, with play-by-play by Gus Johnson, because of course Gus Johnson was calling this game.
On any given Sunday (or Monday, or Thursday), your NFL Run & Shootaround crew will be gathered around multiple televisions, making inappropriate jokes and generally regressing to the mean. Catch up on all the NFL action right here.
With or Without You
Over the holiday, I was back in Chicago for the first time since the start of football season. Amid all the eating and drinking, there was plenty of time in the car, and with that came the chance to hear Chicago sports radio. I made a handful of long drives over the course of those few days, and each time the radio was on, the programming was the same — a re-airing of that week’s "Jay Cutler Show."
Each week (excluding those after a concussion), Cutler joins the "Waddle & Silvy" show on ESPN 1000 for an hour, and from what I gather, the segment is immensely popular. All of my Bears-fan friends are regular listeners, and considering the station was content to let it run for what seemed like three days, I imagine those friends are a representative sample. They tune in because, much like watching Cutler play football, just about anything can happen. Sunday’s Bears game against the Vikings was a perfect example.
Each week, the Fantasy Island contestants will submit a preview for each of that weekend's games. The best preview from each game will be selected and combined with the others into one comprehensive guide, and points are awarded based on how many individual previews from each writer are selected. Get it? OK. We sorta do, too.
Ravens at Browns
214, 227, 181. Those are the allowed rushing yards for Baltimore over their last three games. Expect a big game from Trent Richardson both running and receiving this week. After a hot start, Joe Flacco has barely been better than Brandon Weeden, and both Dennis Pitta and Torrey Smith have nearly disappeared. Don’t expect much from Smith with Joe Haden blanketing him all game, and expect even less from Pitta. The Browns have only allowed more than six points to a TE once all year.
This week in BQBL was just … well … weird. We had TAINTs, we had benchings, we had a postgame Mike Vick act like he was in an eighth-grade relationship gone bad — breaking up with Andy Reid before Andy Reid could break up with him. Yet we didn’t have a single quarterback score more than 50 BQBL points. Also, despite some gloriously terrible things, two of our top three scorers gave their respective teams a good chance to win the game. The other one? Well, let’s just say that whatever impressionable British youths the NFL was hoping to convert with this “football” game in London are likely buying Tom Brady jerseys, not Sam Bradford jerseys.
Oh yeah … also, totally unrelated, but I need to share this with the world. Bryant McKinnie of the Ravens owes Trick Daddy’s father $375,000 for “services accumulated at South Florida strip clubs." Sure, this has nothing to do with the BQBL, but … BWHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!!!
Three and Out
Rams (Sam Bradford and Kellen Clemens), 47 points: Sam Bradford completed his first pass for 14 yards. Then Sam Bradford completed his second pass for five yards. Then Sam Bradford completed his third pass for 50 yards and a touchdown. Then Sam Bradford did something counterintuitive. He decided that he was done advancing the football — and, ya know, scoring points — and shut it down for the rest of the game. It was nothing if not innovative.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Pablo Sandoval, the Kung Fu Panda, became the fourth player in MLB history to hit three home runs in a World Series game, and the Giants roughed up Justin Verlander to take Game 1 8-3. Tigers manager Jim Leyland was upset at his ace. "We told Justin that even though he may look soft and cuddly — especially when he's curled up around a bamboo shoot — he's a very dangerous creature when approached," Leyland said. "He didn't listen. There have been over 15 incidents of Kung Fu Panda home run violence this year alone, and most of them could have been avoided with a little pitcher caution."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Ozzie Guillen was fired as manager of the Miami Marlins, and team officials say his positive remarks about Fidel Castro played a contributing role. As he retreated from Miami into the remote Everglades of central Florida with only a small loyal band of 19 followers (including his brother Raul Guillen and Hanley "Che" Ramirez), Guillen vowed that his fight to dominate the Florida sports scene had only just begun. He was given a hero's greeting by the Everglade peasants, and immediately set up a pirate radio station to broadcast his message into the homes of the people.
Wait, what? Blaine Gabbert threw a game-winning touchdown pass? Andy Dalton and RG3 combined for 69 real-life points? Ryan Pickspatrick had three touchdowns and ZERO interceptions? There wasn’t a 50-point BQBL scorer? What the hell happened this week? Why am I asking so many questions to which I clearly know the answers? Am I ever going to get to the top scorers? Who knows?
OK, I’m sick of that “ask rhetorical questions” bit, too, but before we actually get to the top scorers, we have to clear some things up about the BQBL Failure Machine. Like the quarterbacks that we celebrate, the Failure Machine has its flaws. I want all of you to know that the Failure Machine is like Tim Tebow’s throwing motion — often scrutinized but constantly improving through a combination of hard work and prayer. We have received your missives and are currently addressing all the issues you so politely point out to us. Should you be experiencing technological issues with the BQBL Failure Machine, feel free to e-mail us at glbqbl@gmail.com. Should you be experiencing problems with your reliably terrible quarterbacks having a solid week this week, feel free to e-mail him at Ryan.PicksPatrick@DidYouHearIWentToHarvard?.edu. Please don’t tell Ry Ry I gave out his e-mail, though.
Each week, the Fantasy Island contestants will submit a preview for each of that weekend's games. The best preview from each game will be selected and combined with the others into one comprehensive guide, where points are awarded based on how many individual previews from each writer are selected. Get it? OK. We sorta do too.
Buccaneers at Cowboys
The Bucs are legit. They fell victim to a little Eli magic this Sunday, but I think we all know Tony Romo is about as magical as David Blaine. (Sorry, buddy. Standing in an ice cave for two days isn't magic.) The 'Boys haven't been able to stop anyone, so I like Doug Martin a lot this week; I think he finishes as a top-10 RB. Vinnie Jackson is always a boom-or-bust play, but an interesting sleeper in this game is Dallas Clark. America's Team of 1992 has given up TDs to TEs (that's a weird phrase) in two straight weeks, and Clark is better than either Martellus Bennett or Anthony McCoy (my apologies to the McCoy family, who may be the only people who knew who Anthony was before this week).
This week on The Trenches, I decided to take full advantage of Ephraim Salaam's 13 years as an NFL offensive tackle and drag out the Jay Cutler shoving-his-lineman controversy another day. Then, of course, Ephraim made sure we didn't leave that conversation without me feeling properly horrible about the Bears' performance at Lambeau.
Speaking of horrible performances! Ephraim and I discussed the real issue with the NFL replacement referees, the Ravens' offensive identity crisis, the Patriots' shameless Wes Welker contract ploy, and more on the run-up to Week 3 of the NFL season.
There are two things we learned from last year’s inaugural BQBL season: (1) No matter how respected a guy is around the league, how many Super Bowl rings he has, or how many times he’s hosted SNL, he WILL, at some point, spend a week on the BQBL Summer Jam Screen; (2) Blaine Gabbert sucks. For real, he sucks. But even Yo Gabba Gabbert didn’t bring the level of suckocity that Jay Cutler did this week. He was so bad that his performance is somehow still in the news cycle … and he played on Thursday night.
Three and Out
Bears (Jay Cutler), 78 points: Jay Cutler does not believe in positive reinforcement. Rumors are flying around the Windy City that Cutler isn’t well liked in the locker room. However, he was absolutely loved by every BQBL owner who started him this week.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Jay Cutler threw four interceptions and the Packers scored a touchdown on a fake field goal as the Packers dominated the Bears 23-10. Following the fake, Bears coach Lovie Smith repeatedly ordered his team into the field goal block defense on inappropriate downs, reasoning that if the Packers would run a normal play when they were supposed to kick, they could easily kick when they should be running a normal play. "Fool me once," he began, and then tripped over a Gatorade cooler.
He is listening to "Call Me Maybe." You know that, right? This is crazy. Just relax, Jay Cutler. Just simmer down and take your victory in Week 1, where you admittedly looked like Tecmo Bowl Dan Marino, with dignity. Don't come out here and call your receiving corps "dudes." Don't taunt Charles Woodson. Don't dare Dom Capers to let the wolves loose on your person. I know Raheem Morris once said "Stats are for losers" (Raheem Morris!), but don't brush aside being 1-4 against the Packers in your last five games, or the fact that you have 11 picks in those five games, or the fact that one of those games inspired a YouTube video called "Jay Cutler: Interception Machine," in which you throw passes and Packers DBs pick you off while heavy metal and Beavis and Butt-Head chuckles play in the background. Also? Get a haircut.
