Quick poll: Did anyone else turn a 70,000 -jermajesties profit on NFL propositions last week, taking his or her season-long total to 182,0500 jermajesties in the plus overall? Probably not, since jermajesties* don’t really exist, except in Jermaine Jackson’s household. Actually, I did come across some good news, as the soon-to-be-defunct Hostess Brands Inc. has agreed to let me purchase their remaining stock using jermajesties. Looks like everyone’s getting a gross of Twinkies and Suzy Q’s from me for Christmas.
Where was I? Oh yeah — Twinkies. This is a tough week to pick props. Mainly because as of Tuesday night, there were absolutely none to be found.
Because everyone on the Grantland staff (including and especially myself) is too lazy to work on Friday, we’ll have to make do on three propositions that I’m pretty sure will be on the board, followed by a bunch I’m positive you will not be able to wager on.
This week, Jimmy Kimmel Livemoved its entire production to Brooklyn, USA. Jimmy and I were born in Brooklyn, and it was supposed to be a homecoming of sorts. Little did we know (actually, we knew, we saw the forecast a week before — we’re stupid) a huge storm would interfere with this homecoming by ravaging the East Coast. Luckily, our venue, the Brooklyn Academy of Music, was not affected and we were able to film four of our five planned shows in front of the most enthusiastic crowds we’ve ever hosted.
Bad news is — as a result of Hurricane Sandy, many of the great eateries in Brooklyn have been closed indefinitely, which means we’ve been stuck eating two-and-a-half-ish star hotel food for most of the week. If there’s a worse Sandy-related story, I’ve not yet heard it.
I'm kidding, of course. There’s devastation just minutes away from our studio. The effects of this storm have been horrendous, and it’s heartbreaking to see what these people are going through.
But I have a plan: We should capitalize on my incredibly dynamite-as-of-late NFL prop picks — then take the Chris Christie–size profits and donate them to a relief fund tasked with cleaning up the mess left behind by Sandy.
Speaking of those profits — last week, I netted 29,000 jermajesties,* bringing my yearly total to 96,050 jermajesties overall. Let’s keep it going in Week 9.
We’re off to a great start. Probably my best ever. If you took my prop bets last week you’d have ended up 33,500 jermajesties* in the black. (Trust me, first-timers — that’s good.) Not to mention, I was 4-1 against the spread in the Hilton contest. And 17-1 in the Econolodge Contest. (Totally made that up.)
This will not continue. But maybe ... just maybe ... I can squeeze out one more week of my prognostication prowess before it all goes to crap.