In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

Hey everyone, I'm back. I got married last Saturday, which means huge changes for "About Last Night." I'm an official adult now, and I realized that some of my material is immature and inappropriate. It's time to clean up my act and become a lot more conservative and family-friendly with my humor. That way, everyone can enjoy a good hearty chuckle in the morning. But it's only fair to give you a "transition day" to help you prepare. In the items below, I'll use an example of "old humor" after the link, and then show you what the new, more adult jokes will be like in bold. Tomorrow, the old humor will be gone for good.

I. A friend of mine, a fellow Penn State alumnus, texted me on Monday morning with two seemingly paradoxical thoughts: He believed the NCAA to be — and I will quote him directly here, because I sort of agree with him — “monumentally full of shit”; he also believed, given the circumstances, that the penalties levied against Penn State’s football program felt more than fair.

I do not know if these thoughts are reconcilable, since the sanctions against Penn State emerged straight from the NCAA’s politburo in Indianapolis. I also do not know if these draconian measures really will succeed in resolving anything, and I do not know if they will even direct the conversation to the proper place, in regard to the issue of child abuse or the notion that the priorities of major college football programs are hopelessly skewed. Mark Emmert, the NCAA’s president, seemed to think that this would send a message to any programs that are "too big to fail"; having spent last week at the SEC’s football media days, I can assure you that Auburn is not planning on downsizing its weight room anytime soon.

So whether this litany of punishments lends any sort of moral structure to a situation that is entirely devoid of it, or it just piles another useless layer onto a patchwork of ethical failures, I cannot say. All the NCAA absolutely assured us when Emmert stood before a press conference on Monday morning is that Penn State will field a subpar football team for many years to come.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• Clayton Kershaw and Cliff Lee each pitched eight strong innings, but Matt Kemp's walk-off home run in the 12th gave the Dodgers a 5-3 win over the Phillies. "If I had any less support, I'd be a well-endowed woman without a bra," said a downcast Cliff Lee, making this the eighth straight press conference where he's managed to compare his own pitching to a well-endowed woman. Luckily, his dejected mood made this instance far less graphic than usual.

It's been a while since Chuck Klosterman and I banged out one of our marathon "We thought it would be 45 minutes but ended up going for nearly two hours, so we had to belatedly record an 'out' for Part 1 and an 'in' for Part 2" podcasts. Discussed in detail this time around: satellite radio, best music books, The Doors, the concept of eras for music and movies, Joe Paterno/Jerry Sandusky/Penn State, the NCAA versus Roger Goodell, Kentucky basketball, Jeremy Lin, the upcoming Olympics, our favorite Olympic sports and David Stern. I know, it's just as weird as it sounds.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• Blake Griffin tore his meniscus at a Team USA scrimmage and will miss the Olympic Games in London. Which is particularly sad when you consider that, aside from Dwight Howard, Russell Westbrook, Christopher Paul, James Harden, and maybe, maybe Tyson Chandler, he had the team's most British name.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• Melky Cabrera blasted a two-run homer to lead the National League to an 8-0 rout in the All-Star Game — the NL's most lopsided victory ever — and took home the MVP in the process. "I'm just glad Melky has the monkey off his back," said teammate Pablo Sandoval, adding, "we were all sort of wondering when he'd win an All-Star MVP." Josh Hamilton agreed. "As much as I hate to lose, this has been a long time coming for Melky. It's nice to see him realize his destiny." Even the New York Post chimed in, with an uncharacteristically lengthy and bland front-page headline: "WE NO LONGER LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE MELKY CABRERA HAS NEVER WON AN ALL-STAR GAME MVP."

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.

• The Atlanta Hawks agreed in principle to trade Marvin Williams to the Utah Jazz for point guard Devin Harris, and sources report that they've also reached a handshake deal with the Nets that would send Joe Johnson to Brooklyn for several expiring contracts. "We're cleaning house," said new Hawks GM Danny Ferry, in his first week on the job. Ferry's "blank-slate" philosophy is so extreme that he even traded his wife of 20 years to Dallas owner Mark Cuban in exchange for three used Macbooks and an aging housekeeper who will do "just about anything."

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• Notes kept by Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long during his investigation show that former head coach Bobby Petrino's relationship with his assistant began with a kiss over lunch last fall. "Hi, I'm Bobby Petrino," the coach said immediately afterward. "Thanks for not being weird when I kissed you just now."

The following is excerpted from Death Comes to Happy Valley: Penn State and the Tragic Legacy of Joe Paterno by Jonathan Mahler. Copyright (c) 2012 by Jonathan Mahler. Excerpted by permission of Byliner Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

As the 1990s wore on, and [Joe Paterno] crossed over into his seventies, the stories about him grew increasingly elegiac. As hard as it was for anyone to imagine, the Paterno era seemed as though it must be drawing to a close.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• Novak Djokovic advanced to the Australian Open final with a five-set victory over Andy Murray. On Sunday, he'll face Rafael Nadal in a battle of the top two seeds. Meanwhile, Andy Murray remains confident that he'll eventually win a major. "Hey, does anybody know the number of the guy who stabbed Monica Seles right before Graf started dominating?" he asked a room full of reporters. "A friend wanted to know."

• At a Joe Paterno tribute, Nike CEO Phil Knight criticized the process by which Paterno was fired. "If there's a villain in this tragedy," he said, "it lies in that investigation and not in Joe Paterno's response." Later in his speech, Knight said that if there's a comic relief character in this tragedy, it's probably Crazy Scott Paterno, the protaganist's son.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• With a balanced scoring attack, the no. 6 Duke Blue Devils held off no. 17 Virginia to win their 44th straight home game, 61-58. After the game, the student body from both schools expressed relief that they could put the rivalry aside and get back to wearing pastel shirts and inventing new ways to screw poor people.

Here's a timeline and link dump covering all the activity that took place in State College, Pennsylvania, late Wednesday night. We'll update throughout the day if the story continues to develop.

• At about 10:15 p.m. EST last night, the Penn State Board of Trustees announced that head football coach Joe Paterno and university president Graham Spanier had both been fired. This ended Paterno's 61 62-year professional association with the university. Earlier on Wednesday, the 84-year-old coach said he would retire from the position he had held since 1966 at the end of the season.
• The official statement from the Board of Trustees, naming Dr. Rodney A. Erickson, executive vice president and provost, as the interim president of the university and assistant coach Tom Bradley as interim head coach, can be read here.
• Graham Spanier had served as Penn State's president for 16 years. In a statement, Spanier said, "I have always acted honorably and in the best interests of the University, the buck stops here." The full statement can be read here.
• An often volatile press conference was handled by John Surma, vice chairman of the Penn State Board of Trustees. Surma also serves as the chairman and CEO of U.S. Steel.
• Soon after the press conference, Paterno made an appearance outside of his home, reportedly saying, "Right now I'm not the coach. And after 61 years I have to get used to that." He later told students gathered outside his house, "You guys are great."
• Following the announcement, thousands of Penn State students took to the streets to protest the Board of Trustees' decision.
• Newspapers in Pennsylvania and from around the country led with the Paterno story this morning. The Patriot-News, Philadelphia Daily News, Philadelphia Inquirer, and Reading Eagle all had iconic front pages capturing last night's sad drama.
• To read the grand jury indictment of former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky, click here. Be warned that it is not easy reading.
• Grantland's Michael Weinreb grew up in Happy Valley and wrote about the Penn State scandal, his childhood, and his college years at the university. You can read that here.
• There are several reporters, both national and local, doing great work in Happy Valley. To get on-the-ground updates, we suggest you follow Ben Jones (@Ben_Jones88) of BlackShoeDiaries, Kevin McGuire (@PSUExaminer) of the PSU Examiner, and Sara Ganim (@sganim) of the Harrisburg Patriot-News. For some player perspective, you can follow quarterback Mike Matt McGloin (@macqb11).
• The Philadelphia Inquirer's Kate Fagan has an excellent piece up about her time as a basketball player at the University of Colorado. During her time there, the school went through a recruiting scandal and Fagan writes beautifully about what happens to a college campus in a time of crisis.