In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Unscramble the anagram to decode the WACKY HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
LeBron James scored 26 points and grabbed 10 boards despite missing most of the second half with cramps, and the Heat opened the NBA season with a 120-107 win over the Celtics. To spite the Celtics, James will dress up as an: CRAWLEN 'N HEL
Dwight Howard's first regular-season shot as a Laker was a missed two-handed dunk, and the Mavericks started their year with a 99-91 upset win over L.A. To the horror of Lakers fan, Howard dressed as a: LEGIT LAM CUB
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Matt Carpenter, subbing for an injured Carlos Beltran, hit a two-run homer to lead the Cardinals to a 3-1 win over the Giants and a 2-1 lead in the NLCS. "Look, we're not saying for sure that Jesus is rooting for our team," said a statement released by Cardinals fans. "But how many times can you be led by a Carpenter before you start saying, OK, maybe something's happening here? Are we crazy? Are we being unreasonable? Or deep down, are the rest of you jealous that Jesus is a Cards fan? Be honest."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Matt Ryan threw his 100th career touchdown pass and the Falcons defense harassed Peyton Manning into three first-quarter interceptions in a 27-21 win over the Broncos. "Each turnover has its own story that no one really wants to hear," Manning said afterward. He then paused, looked in every reporter's eyes, and said, "Actually, let's do this. Turnover one was a lonely girl with big dreams who wanted to escape the drudgery of life in her tiny Nebraska town. Her father was an undertaker, but she longed for more, so she joined a traveling circus. She found joy and she married a carnie, but late one drunken night she died while riding the zipper and they sent her body back to her father. INTERCEPTION. Turnover two was a lot like the boy in Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer." Poor kid, ragged people, bleeding winter, dead from boxing. INTERCEPTION. Turnover three was just a bad pass. WRONG. TRICKED YOU. Each turnover has a story, never forget that. Turnover three was the look my father gave me one October morning, age 8, when I said I wanted to become an artist. "I hate football, Daddy. I love paints and oils." Old Archie threw me in the back of our pickup truck, drove me out to the woods, and left me with nothing but a football for six days. It worked. I fell in love with that football and named it Godfrey. My artistic dreams died with the midnight howling of the wolves. INTERCEPTION. COME BACK, GODFREY. But Godfrey's gone."
With the NFL preseason in full swing, the Bountygate scandal is just beginning to wind its way through the courts. Last Friday, lawyers for the NFL, NFLPA, and Jonathan Vilma appeared for the second time in front of Judge Berrigan in federal court in the Eastern District of Louisiana. Each side was looking for a knockout blow — Vilma and the NFLPA wanted an immediate ruling vacating the players’ suspensions (though Vilma would have been more than happy with a preliminary injunction to get him back into camp and on the field for the Saints), while the NFL wanted an immediate dismissal of all of the cases pending against the NFL and Commissioner Roger Goodell, including Vilma’s defamation suit.
This case was always a bit of a long shot for the players because review of commissioner discipline for “conduct detrimental” is only permissible in extremely limited circumstances. The players argued to the court that those circumstances existed here — Goodell was biased, he prejudged the outcome of the case, his punishment was arbitrary and capricious, he exceeded the scope of his authority under the terms of the collective bargaining agreement, and he failed to give the players due process. Jeffrey Kessler, outside counsel for the NFLPA, was at his fiery best, at turns channeling courtroom giant Brendan Sullivan (telling the judge: "You are not a potted plant, an innocent bystander helpless to right this wrong”) and Catskills giant Henny Youngman (remarking that one of the arbitration decisions in favor of the league “slice the salami so thin it became bologna”). The NFL essentially played defense, arguing that the players — and the judge — may disagree with the commissioner’s decision, but federal law and the terms of the collective bargaining agreement simply do not permit a judge to undo or interfere with the commissioner’s decision to punish players for conduct detrimental to the league.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Usain Bolt won his second straight gold medal in the men's 100-meter dash, pulling away from the field and finishing in 9.63 seconds, an Olympic record. The victory had a somewhat odd conclusion as the famously egotistical Bolt spread both arms wide and leaped into the air, expecting to become the first human to fly, only to crash into fourth-place finisher Tyson Gay and curse him out for "standing on the runway like an idiot."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Brewers GM Doug Melvin said that his team will trade Zack Greinke before next Tuesday's deadline. He called up his friend Billy Beane to ask if it sounded desperate, and Beane was like, "yeah a little desperate. Want me to take him off your hands to help you save face?" Melvin teared up. "Thank you. You're such a good friend."
Here’s a look at the numbers behind some of the biggest sports stories this past month. Send us suggestions for next month’s edition by tweeting at @michaelkruse with the hashtag #GrantlandStats.
Number of Seattle Mariners who combined to pitch a no-hitter June 8 against the Los Angeles Dodgers: 6.
Number of no-hitters pitched this year so far at Seattle’s Safeco Field: 2.
Number of times a New York Met had pitched a no-hitter in the team’s half-century history before Johan Santana did it in early June: 0.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Roy Hibbert scored 19 points and grabbed 18 boards as the Pacers took a 2-1 lead on the Heat with a 94-75 win. During the third quarter, Dwyane Wade had a heated exchange with head coach Erik Spoelstra that only ended after Spoelstra grudgingly conceded that yes, maybe E.L. James's Fifty Shades of Greydoes have some literary value.
1. Papiss Cisse: Magpie Magician
It's been 11 goals in 11 Premier League games for Newcastle's striker sensation, and I don't know that we'll see a more outrageous strike this season. (Van Persie's volley was better? I don't know, how can you figure that out?) Here's what I love about Cisse giving Chelsea the blues (wink wink): (a) It was his second in a match that had huge Champions League qualification consequences, (b) Petr Cech's struggle face, (c) Newcastle manager Alan Pardew's I'm happy/I'm nervous/Stop laughing/OK, we're laughing reaction, (c) Cisse's laconic trot over to the Newcastle traveling fans, (d) IT'S THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOOT WHAT IS HE EVEN THINKING?
