In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• Oakland pitcher Bartolo Colon has been suspended for 50 games after testing positive for testosterone. "Yes, I must admit, the testosterone was definitely an illegal strategy employed to help my baseball performance," said Colon, whose recent Internet history revealed an obsessive pattern of searching the phrase "how to grow a bigger penis."

Baseball is a complicated game, the results of one day, one month, even one season subject to slumps and streaks, injuries and recoveries, players controlling their own destiny and players having their fate decided by a bad hop or a bad call. With the Boston Red Sox on the brink of a lost season, we now have a nuanced explanation for their woes, one that considers all the complexities of a 162-game season and elucidates all that's gone wrong at Fenway Park in 2012.

Getting older isn't a sudden, traumatic experience. It's a malicious, sneaky process. You wake up sore a little more often. Those jeans don't look quite as good as they once did. You forget things. React a split-second slower. For years, you don't notice those tiny lines forming around your eyes, imperceptibly creeping their way across your face — until one day they're staring back at you, as if out of nowhere.

At age 32, Josh Beckett isn't a bad pitcher by any means. When he's on, he throws four pitches for strikes and can mow down any lineup. But he's on a little less often these days. He throws a tick slower. He'll miss his spots by an inch or two. You might look up after six innings and see a perfectly solid outing. Just not quite the dominant Beckett of old.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• On a night when Kobe Bryant was hampered with a stomach issue, Ty Lawson scored 32 points and the Nuggets forced a Game 7 with a 113-96 win over the Lakers. "It sucks when you're sick for a big playoff game, doesn't it?" said Michael Jordan, in a really sarcastic phone call to Bryant. "So hard to play well. So hard to win. Hey, good luck man. Good luck with everything. Jordan out."

Make "Empire State of Mind" his warm-up music; start giving interviews in a pronounced, obviously fake Boston accent; get "AARON BOONE" tattooed across his stomach in the same font as the THUG LIFE font; do Aaron Hernandez's touchdown dance every time he gives up a home run; practice his putting in the bullpen; open up Boston's first El Pollo Loco location; open Boston's first Brew Thru; open Boston's first combination El Pollo Loco-Brew Thru; come out strongly, publicly, vocally for Bobby Valentine's continued managerial stewardship of the Red Sox.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• LeBron James scored 29 points, grabbed eight boards, and dished out seven assists as the Heat eliminated the Knicks with a 106-94 Game 5 win. After the game, Amar'e Stoudemire stood with clenched fists near a wall in the locker room where three fire extinguishers were hung in close proximity. "Why dost thou tempt me, Lord?!?!" he screamed to the ceiling, before concussing himself with a head-butt.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Jeremy Lin had 28 points and 14 assists, and his teammate Steve Novak scored 14 fourth-quarter points as the Knicks beat the defending champion Dallas Mavericks 104-97. Hey-oh, looks like we need to hand out some Novak-olades, am I right?! Come on, let's spread it around! Novak-olades! The next big thing. It's going to be great, we just have to get Novak-climated! Wait, where's everyone going? Are we Novak-uating? Mom? Dad?
• Kobe Bryant ripped Lakers management for the way they've handled the potential Pau Gasol trade, saying: "If they're going to do something, I wish they would just (expletive) do it." Bryant added that he felt the same way about war with China. "Let's get it on!" he shouted crazily.