In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Good morning. In today's installment of About Last Night, we're lucky enough to have renowned sports comedy critic Fenwick Vaughnagan on hand to analyze and critique every one of Ryan's jokes. Vaughnagan was born in Caerwys, Wales, and earned international fame for his controversial first book, "You Can't Joke About Rugby, Mate." He moved to America in 1985, and has worked for the Miami Standard-Tribune ever since. Last year, he won the Chloe Herbst Memorial Humour Award for his debut novel "Field of Screams: A Murderous Romp Through America's Ballparks."
Note: Due to space limitations, we weren't able to include Ryan's joke and Vaughnagan's critique, so the actual jokes have been omitted.
Bryce Harper hit two home runs and was ejected for spiking his helmet — both career firsts — as the Nationals ended a five-game losing streak with an 8-4 win over the Marlins. CRITIQUE: "Ryan starts out a bit weak here, it must be said, with a tenuous and rather offensive connection between Harper and former president Jimmy Carter that wouldn't have drawn a laugh even among the yokels at the 1980 Republican convention. And at the risk of sounding like a prude, was it really necessary to use the word f--- 18 times in one sentence?"
I am not a naturally inquisitive person. Sometimes, this leads to situations that could easily be avoided with questions like “Where are we going?” and “Is the blindfold really necessary?” Occasionally though, it’s the source of a steady stream of surprises. As I rode the train to the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center Monday night, I realized I knew only three details about the next few hours.
1. Our U.S. Open tickets said seven o'clock, so we would be late. 2. The tickets were provided by Heineken, so there would probably be beer. 3. The beer would most likely be Heineken.
The dearth of knowledge was perfect — not because I only wanted to drink and watch tennis, but because my trip to the U.S. Open was about 20 years in the making. I’d spent the majority of my life taking in Flushing Meadows by way of my television, so now that I was here I wanted it all to unfold as organically as possible. Then, just before we exited the train, my friend Matt casually mentioned how excited he was to see Roger play in person.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday
The dream semifinal is set in Australia, as both Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal won their quarterfinal matches. Nadal holds a 7-2 lead in Grand Slam matches, but Federer has promised that he's going to break out his sickest cream-colored outfit yet to just priss the hell out of Nadal. "I'm gonna priss him 'til he blushes," Federer vowed. "Just delicately flip my hair, prance around like a schoolboy, and get my priss on something severe. Ya heard?"
A source indicated that the Big East will add Navy to the football lineup in 2015. The move was reportedly made to give the conference the option to be buried at sea when it dies from sucking.
Editor's Note: During this year's Australian Open, 12-and-under consolation bracket pioneer Rembert Browne is reporting back after each round with the things you missed while you were sleeping, at Sundance, or changing your name from Billy Cundiff to Joe Flacco II.
Editor's Note: During this year's Australian Open, tennis legend Rembert Browne will report back after each round with the things you missed while you were sleeping, at work, or attempting to raise a family.
Rembert's Note: The only thing more fun than playing tennis in a yellow Diadora short-set is standing on your couch in a yellow Diadora short-set while watching tennis on your laptop in 1080p.
Second Round Notes
1. The second round was the stage for the 14th meeting between once-important rivals Andy Roddick and Lleyton Hewitt. Both men, Grand Slam winners and top players in the pre-Federer/Nadal era, post-Sampras/Agassi years (2001-03: tennis' "Houston Rockets" years), were looking to channel their younger forms to make this a competitive match. And for the first time in a long time, these two men were taking part in the match everyone was excited to see. Unfortunately (and slightly predictably), it was an anticlimactic letdown, with Roddick retiring before the start of the fourth set. Classic Roddick. At least he's consistent.