Every year, Forbes puts out a list of the 10 most disliked athletes in sports. Usually, that list is pretty much what you’d guess. A year ago, Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, and Plaxico Burress stood (or sulked) at the top. In this year’s version, released yesterday, the top three again didn’t provide much of a surprise: Lance Armstrong (cheater, Oprah interviewee, all-around dickhead), Manti Te’o (fake dead girlfriend embellisher), and Woods.
The surprise, at least to me, comes at no. 4. With an approval rating of just 21 percent, Jay Cutler is the most disliked athlete in America who’s never given a nationally televised mea culpa. Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t see anything regarding Cutler with clear eyes, and that the guy kind of seems like an asshole. But is he really more of an asshole now than he used to be?
In case you were busy justifying your documentary short's omission from this year's Sundance Film Festival, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Miami scored the final nine points of the game in a 99-90 win over the Los Angeles Lakers at Staples Center. LeBron James dominated the game on both ends of the court scoring 39 points to go along with seven rebounds and three steals. "We've been bad on the road this year by our standards, so I came out mad," LeBron explained after the game, before Kobe Bryant appeared behind him cloaked in a cloud of smoke. "Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it," Bryant said to James with a menacing laugh. A terrified James responded, "Why didn't you just beat us then?" Bryant grinned broadly at James and hissed, "your punishment must be more severe."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Despite Dwight Howard's 33 points and 14 boards, Steve Nash suffered a bruised leg and the Lakers fell to 0-2 with a 116-106 loss to the Blazers. "Look, I don't want anybody saying Mike Brown should be fired, or anything like that," Howard told the media after the game. "He's our coach, and I just don't want to hear that kind of talk. I won't stand for it." When the confused reporters began to tell him that nobody had suggested it, Howard cut them off. "It's way too early for that talk," he said. "Not cool, guys. Mike Brown? Fired? Way too early. Come on."
In Part 1 of 2, Bill Simmons and guest co-host Joe House call up Cousin Sal to guess the Week 8 lines, then discuss discouraging wins from the Patriots and Cowboys and an encouraging loss from the Redskins. In Part 2 of 2, Bill Simmons and guest co-host Joe House call up JackO to discuss the downfall of the 2012 Yankees, the future of Alex Rodriguez, and the Lance Armstrong doping scandal.
Lance Armstrong was my gateway into the world of professional cycling. After watching a few World Cups and developing a love of international sports that take place in "non-prime-time," "non-American" hours, cycling emerged as the most worthwhile. Plus, the good ol’ American boy in me always found it fulfilling to watch Lance Armstrong and his perfectly assembled teams demolish the rest of the field. Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what I was watching, but it was a great story, to see this one-testicled Texan triumph over cancer and a bunch of other international cyclists.
I continued to watch the Tour de France even after Lance’s prime. I was watching when the American Floyd Landis went on his doped-up ride on stage 17 of the 2006 Tour de France, which now seems cartoonish. In 2009, I was rooting against Alberto Contador while Lance was vying to be the leader of the Astana team, even though it was clear that Contador was in top form. I even got a little bit too excited this year when Tejay Van Garderen outperformed BMC Racing’s team leader Cadel Evans at the Tour. I am only now realizing that my hopeless devotion to American cycling was as simple as the non-cycling media’s need to crown any talented, young American rider as “the next Lance Armstrong” just to generate any American interest whatsoever in the sport.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Good morning. In today's installment of About Last Night, we're lucky enough to have renowned sports comedy critic Fenwick Vaughnagan on hand to analyze and critique every one of Ryan's jokes. Vaughnagan was born in Caerwys, Wales, and earned international fame for his controversial first book, "You Can't Joke About Rugby, Mate." He moved to America in 1985, and has worked for the Miami Standard-Tribune ever since. Last year, he won the Chloe Herbst Memorial Humour Award for his debut novel "Field of Screams: A Murderous Romp Through America's Ballparks."
Note: Due to space limitations, we weren't able to include Ryan's joke and Vaughnagan's critique, so the actual jokes have been omitted.
Bryce Harper hit two home runs and was ejected for spiking his helmet — both career firsts — as the Nationals ended a five-game losing streak with an 8-4 win over the Marlins. CRITIQUE: "Ryan starts out a bit weak here, it must be said, with a tenuous and rather offensive connection between Harper and former president Jimmy Carter that wouldn't have drawn a laugh even among the yokels at the 1980 Republican convention. And at the risk of sounding like a prude, was it really necessary to use the word f--- 18 times in one sentence?"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency will ban Lance Armstrong for life and strip him of his seven Tour de France titles after Armstrong elected to stop fighting what he called an "unconstitutional witch hunt." Late last night, witnesses reported seeing Armstrong deep in the woods with Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, uttering strange rhymes about the body parts of dead animals and placing objects into a smoking black cauldron.
Here’s a look at the numbers behind some of the biggest sports stories this past month. Send us suggestions for next month’s edition by tweeting at @michaelkruse with the hashtag #GrantlandStats.
Number of Seattle Mariners who combined to pitch a no-hitter June 8 against the Los Angeles Dodgers: 6.
Number of no-hitters pitched this year so far at Seattle’s Safeco Field: 2.
Number of times a New York Met had pitched a no-hitter in the team’s half-century history before Johan Santana did it in early June: 0.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thurday.
Lukas Rosol, virtually unknown in the tennis world, upset Rafael Nadal in the second round at Wimbledon, prevailing with a spectacular fifth set on center court. Things took an ugly turn late in the fourth set when Nadal began to "accidentally" dump clay that he keeps hidden in various parts of his body onto the Wimbledon grass.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
LeBron James scored 32 points, including four in the critical final minutes, as the Heat evened the NBA Finals with a 100-96 win over the Thunder. In the aftermath, tragedy struck when James Harden was hooked, reeled in, and fried by avid fisherman Karl Malone. "When I saw him flopping around on the TV, I knew this would be my greatest challenge yet," said Malone. "But I baited him with a flavored referee's whistle, and man, he was all over it."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Matt Cain threw the 22nd perfect game in major league history, striking out 14 in a 10-0 Giants win over the Astros. "He was just too good tonight," said Astros catcher Chris Snyder, who hits .188 and was waiting until he finished his stick of chewing gum before attempting to walk out of the locker room. "Hey, this might be a stupid question, but uh … when do you know that a piece of gum is actually finished? It seems to just be … staying there. Does it go away, or just — ooh boy, getting a little panicky here. Mind is racing. Emergency. Where's my crisis blanket? WHERE'S MY CRISIS BLANKET!" When Snyder tried to stand up, he immediately tripped due to coordination issues, and the gum slipped from his mouth. "Now that was a close call!" he said, grinning in relief from the floor. "You fooled 'em again, Snyder. You fooled 'em again. Hey, but seriously, where's my crisis blanket?"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Kobe Bryant scored 27 points and Pau Gasol had a crucial block at the buzzer as the Lakers edged the Celtics in overtime, 88-87. I'm not saying Boston has had a rough sports week, but Bill Simmons is standing behind me as I write, tapping a baseball bat against his palm and asking weird questions like, "Would you consider yourself a happy person, Ryan?"
The reserves for the All-Star game were announced Thursday, and the list included veterans like Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Tony Parker, and Steve Nash. More like Old-Star game, am I right, gang? I mean, who picked these guys, Naismith himself? I hope they don't die from shock when they see that all the peach baskets have been replaced with nets, YAKNOW? (*Makes a series of wacky faces, curls up in a tight ball on the floor, cries softly, reaches for a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts*)
