There is much to celebrate this week in atrocious quarterbacking: Yo Gabba Gabbert was benched, Nick Foles did many Nick Folesian things, Mark Sanchez continued his campaign to ensure that Tim Tebow is front-page news, and Eli may have officially regressed into the fourth-best football player at next week’s Manning Thanksgiving table. But none of these triumphantly terrible turns behind center could top the work of Ryan Tannehill, who was nice enough to remind everyone, with this week’s performance, how he earned the name TAINTehill. I thought that was nice of him. So did the Titans.
Three and Out
Dolphins (Ryan Tannehill), 67 points: When TAINTehill took the field this week, the announcers set the scene: “He has really limited his mistakes — no interceptions for Tannehill over his last four games, a completion percentage of just under 59 percent. Tannehill, last week, was good ...” At that moment on Sunday afternoon, with Miami at home, facing a Titans defense that allowed an average of 34.2 points a game through its first nine games, there was absolutely no reason to believe that at the end of the game, Lauren Tannehill’s husband would have as many interceptions as the Dolphins had points. You know that old saying about how “it isn’t how a man reacts when he is on top that defines him, but rather how he reacts when he is at his lowest”? No? Well, it probably doesn’t go exactly like that. But with vigorous and passionate tackle attempts after each of his three interceptions, Lauren Tannehill’s husband reflected a very strong character and pleased all at BQBL headquarters, where, oddly, we care very much about those things. In honor of TAINTehill’s tackles, we will now review his Sunday by contrasting his turnovers with his takedowns, each worthy of celebration:
Each week, the Fantasy Island contestants will submit a preview for each of that weekend's games. The best preview from each game will be selected and combined with the others into one comprehensive guide, where points are awarded based on how many individual previews from each writer are selected. Get it? OK. We sorta do too.
Giants at 49ers
Here’s a scene that will play itself out in fantasy football leagues all over America this weekend:
Fantasy owner has Cam Newton or Drew Brees on a bye and starts to look for a replacement quarterback
Fantasy owner notices that the Giants defense is giving up almost nine yards per attempt to opposing quarterbacks and the Giants also allowed both Josh Freeman and Brandon Weeden to throw multiple touchdowns
Fantasy owner notices that Alex Smith is completing nearly 70 percent of his passes and is sporting a touchdown-to-interception ratio of almost 8-to-1
Fantasy owner inserts Alex Smith into starting lineup
Fantasy owner panics at 12:45 Eastern Time on Sunday because you just don’t start Alex Smith in fantasy football
Fantasy owner replaces Alex Smith with somebody, anybody
Strong fantasy plays: Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Eli Manning, Martellus Bennett, Victor Cruz Fair-to-middling plays: Ahmad Bradshaw, Frank Gore
Wait, what? Blaine Gabbert threw a game-winning touchdown pass? Andy Dalton and RG3 combined for 69 real-life points? Ryan Pickspatrick had three touchdowns and ZERO interceptions? There wasn’t a 50-point BQBL scorer? What the hell happened this week? Why am I asking so many questions to which I clearly know the answers? Am I ever going to get to the top scorers? Who knows?
OK, I’m sick of that “ask rhetorical questions” bit, too, but before we actually get to the top scorers, we have to clear some things up about the BQBL Failure Machine. Like the quarterbacks that we celebrate, the Failure Machine has its flaws. I want all of you to know that the Failure Machine is like Tim Tebow’s throwing motion — often scrutinized but constantly improving through a combination of hard work and prayer. We have received your missives and are currently addressing all the issues you so politely point out to us. Should you be experiencing technological issues with the BQBL Failure Machine, feel free to e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Should you be experiencing problems with your reliably terrible quarterbacks having a solid week this week, feel free to e-mail him at Ryan.PicksPatrick@DidYouHearIWentToHarvard?.edu. Please don’t tell Ry Ry I gave out his e-mail, though.
Hey, it's Rembert Browne, Hawks fan. I'm writing to you today because you just got traded to Brooklyn, and that makes me slightly happy. Actually, let's be real, I'm grinning from ear to ear. Sports-fan me hasn't been this thrilled since we got Michael Vick, so that's saying something, Joe.
Every week, we get tons (OK, tens) of e-mails about the BQBL after we post the scorecard. Some of them are really funny, some of them are really mean, but all of them are awesomely obsessive and weird.
We wanted to serve a few up for you, in case you had questions about the BQBL that you wanted answered or you needed a forum in which we would publish that humiliating picture of your buddy with a new mustache and skinny jeans next week on Grantland. Here goes.