In case yinz were busy getting to Pittsburgh to wait, yinz? Who the hell are yinz? Anyway, here's what you may have missed in sports on Tuesday:
Oh my goodness, hockey's back? Hockey's back! And with it came a barrage of goals from defending Stanley Cup champion Chicago, which beat Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals, 6-4, in its season opener. "Ten goals?" yelled 58-year-old Blackhawks fan Gary Habermeyer. "What the hell is this garbage? Polo? What happened to hockey?" When his son-in-law Dan Nielson tried to explain that there were a number of offseason rule changes put in place by the NHL to increase scoring, Habermeyer slammed down the legs of his Barcalounger and shoved a finger in Nielson's face. "I'll tell you what the problem is," Habermeyer shot back. "It's your generation. A bunch of showboaters. No one willing to do the hard work. No one willing to play defense. Patrick Kane? That's just a child wearing skates carrying around a big stick. When things get hard he'll just shut down the government. Not like Bobby Hull. Now there was a real man. Don't look at your phone when we're having a heart-to heart conversation!" But Nielson didn't look up from his phone, as he was texting his wife, Bridget, to say that she owed him more than one for spending the evening bonding with her father, and also to ask what Patrick Kane had to do with the government shutdown.
Pittsburgh's battery of Francisco Liriano and Russell Martin made sure the Pirates' first postseason trip in 21 years would not be a one-game affair, as they topped the Cincinnati Reds, 6-2, in the NL wild-card playoff. "I just keep thinking, What could I have done differently?" said Reds manager Dusty Baker after the game. Baker then took a moment to think back over the events of the game, during which he managed to use seven pitchers without deploying superstar closer Aroldis Chapman, before adding, "And the answer is nothing."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday
The dream semifinal is set in Australia, as both Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal won their quarterfinal matches. Nadal holds a 7-2 lead in Grand Slam matches, but Federer has promised that he's going to break out his sickest cream-colored outfit yet to just priss the hell out of Nadal. "I'm gonna priss him 'til he blushes," Federer vowed. "Just delicately flip my hair, prance around like a schoolboy, and get my priss on something severe. Ya heard?"
A source indicated that the Big East will add Navy to the football lineup in 2015. The move was reportedly made to give the conference the option to be buried at sea when it dies from sucking.
When you watch Army and Navy play, you know there's going to be option football — and tons of it.
Not the diluted "read offense" the Denver Broncos are now running that the commentariat insist on calling an "option offense,” or even the far more coherent (but still different) spread-and-read-to-run offenses of teams like Oregon. No, Army and Navy — along with Air Force and Georgia Tech — run the real deal. Specifically, those teams use the "flexbone" offense, which actually grew out of the pass-first run and shoot, but evolved into the premiere run-first offense in the country. Indeed, those four teams — the three service academies and Georgia Tech, which is led by former Navy coach Paul Johnson — were the top four rushing teams in college football.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Tim Tebow is now 7-1 as a starter, as the Broncos defeated the Bears 13-10 in overtime. Matt Prater hit two field goals of over 50 yards to clinch the game, but experts suspect that Tebow was just being modest by changing jerseys before he nailed the kicks. I mean, have you ever heard of Matt Prater before?