The NHL lockout is almost officially over. The owners ratified the new collective bargaining agreement Wednesday, and the players are expected to do the same by Saturday. The last step will be the signing of a Memo of Understanding. (I like to imagine that it's a single sheet of paper with “MEMO” stamped at the top, one sentence that reads “Do you understand me?” and then hand-drawn check boxes for yes and no.)
So the lockout isn’t completely dead yet, but it’s so agonizingly close that even Mike Shanahan briefly considered giving it a few plays off.
As we count down to the end of the most pointless work stoppage in sports history, here are five CBA-related questions that are still lingering in the lockout’s final hours ...
In case you were out seeing if it was really as cold as the guy on TV said it was (it was), here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The New York Knicks snapped the San Antonio Spurs' seven-game winning streak, with a decisive 100-83 victory at Madison Square Garden. "Doesn't matter," said Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich after the game, "just a meaningless game, in a meaningless regular season, in this meaningless march to death we call life. Right, Tony?" He then looked back at his point guard, Frenchman Tony Parker, who nodded sagely at his coach before putting out a Gauloise between his fingers.
Oregon showed off its speed on both sides of the ball, beating Kansas State, 35-17, in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. In a postgame interview, ESPN sideline reporter Holly Rowe asked veteran Kansas State coach Bill Snyder if he felt the game had finally started to pass him by. Snyder replied, "I don't know. We ran into a good team, but I guess I did kind of feel like Tommy Lee Jones in that movie, you know, that one?" Rowe suggested, No Country for Old Men, but Snyder shook his said, saying, "No, you know that one where he's old." Rowe continued prompting Snyder with films starring an older Tommy Lee Jones, such as Men in Black II and Space Cowboys, but Snyder responded, "No, I think he's like a cop and a dad." Rowe, visibly frustrated at this point, said, "He's a cop and a dad in everything!" She then continued listing Tommy Lee Jones movies until Snyder realized he was thinking of Clint Eastwood.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Mason Plumlee had 21 points and 15 boards to lead no. 1 Duke to a 76-54 win over Elon on the same day that the nation's no. 2 high school recruit, Jabari Parker, committed to the Blue Devils. Parker is a Mormon, and sources report that his choice has given Mitt Romney a sliver of hope that someone else might take over the "Mormon Devil" nickname. Unfortunately, because Parker is a 6-foot-8 post player, it has already been confirmed that his nickname will be "The Hook of Mormon."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Draymond Green made a layup with 0.9 seconds left as the Warriors stunned the Heat in Miami, 97-95. "Rejoice while ye may, creatures of Earth, for soon I shall have my revenge when I melt thy ice caps, flood thy shores, and bring famine and war into thy very home!" said the Heat, who is a huge LeBron fan.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
In a battle of top AFC teams, Tom Brady threw for 296 yards and four touchdowns as the Patriots routed the Texans, 42-14. In a rare display of public emotion, Bill Belichick told reporters that putting the damper on a feel-good story like the Texans was "better than Viagra."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:
LeBron James posted a triple-double, but Jordan Crawford (22 points) and the lowly Wizards somehow upset the Heat 105-101 for their second win of the season. After this loss, and a near-loss to a Spurs team playing without their three stars, sources report that the Heat are likely to face a starting lineup composed of Rasheed Wallace and four obese men named "Joey from Bayside" when they play the Knicks on Thursday.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The Falcons intercepted Drew Brees five times and ended his record streak of 54 straight games with a touchdown pass in a 23-13 win over the Saints. In a weird coincidence, popular rabbi Andrew Altman, a.k.a. "Drew Briss," also had his own streak — 54 straight successful outdoor circumcisions — snapped by a falcon yesterday.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Mason Plumlee scored 21 points and grabbed 17 rebounds, and Rasheed Sulaimon scored all 17 of his points in the second half, as no. 2 Duke staged a 73-68 comeback win over no. 4 Ohio State. "In the end, 'The Little General' just killed us out there," said Buckeyes coach Thad Matta. Unfortunately, it was unclear who he was referring to, since a majority of Duke players and coaches are nicknamed "The Little General."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Cam Newton threw for 302 yards and accounted for four touchdowns as the Panthers topped the Eagles 30-22 in Monday Night Football. After the game, fired Auburn coach Gene Chizik greeted Newton in the parking lot with a sarcastic slow clap. "Well, look at Mr. BigShot," he said with a sneer, before toppling to the ground and bruising his ribs on an empty vodka bottle.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera won the AL MVP award, beating out Angels rookie Mike Trout by a healthy margin. And now it's time for the ANGRY OLD SPORTSWRITER! "Look, I know all you stat nerds out there are going 'Wahhh, wahhh, Trout should have won because he has a higher WAR.' You know what I think of that? HAR. As in HARDY HAR-HAR, morons. There's so much Trout love going around that I think the sports world is full of bears. And guess what? Bears eat salmon, so you're wrong there, too. Get a grip. Miguel Cabrera won a Triple Crown, you sniveling little Adlai Stevensons. Back when I was around, in the 1930s, that used to mean something. In fact, players back then would actually wear three different crowns to signify that they'd won. Was it uncomfortable? Sure. But I dare you to find a more beautiful site than Jimmie Foxx strutting around Philadelphia with three golden crowns perched atop his gorgeous head. There wasn't a man there who didn't get an erection. So can the stupid Trout arguments. Mike Trout is threatening to ruin baseball, and if Bud Selig had any cojones, he'd send him on the next ship to Venezuela, and he'd say, 'Either you take down that tyrant Hugo Chavez and his nationalized oil, or you don't come home.' And that's a Triple Crown we can all wear."
Monday night saw the induction of the four newest members of the Hockey Hall of Fame. The night was a celebration of excellence, and featured a universally positive vibe — or at least it did right up until NHL commissioner Gary Bettman decided to show up.
Yes, even though the NHL is two months into the third crippling lockout of Bettman's tenure, and against the advice of just about everyone in the hockey world, the commissioner insisted on dropping by the ceremony to say a few words. The result was a painfully awkward two minutes, in which an uncomfortable Bettman plodded through a series of clichéd platitudes while trying his best to ignore the glares from an audience that desperately wanted him to leave.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Andrew Luck threw for 227 yards and ran for two touchdowns as the Colts beat the Jaguars 27-10 for their fourth straight win. Based on the strange waddling run of at least two players on the Jaguars defense, along with embarrassed tears and the telltale stains, it was clear that the infamous "accident epidemic" is still alive and well in Jacksonville.
EJ Manuel hit Rashad Greene for the go-ahead touchdown pass with 40 seconds left, and no. 10 Florida State held on to beat Virginia Tech 28-22. After the game, at the midfield handshake, Frank Beamer and Jimbo Fisher found themselves unable to resist a spontaneous do-si-do.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Randy Foye hit five 3-pointers to lead the Jazz to a 95-86 win over the Lakers, who are now 1-4 on the year. After the loss, Dwight Howard embraced head coach Mike Brown in the locker room and gave him some words of encouragement. "I appreciate that, Dwight," said a clearly moved Brown, who then walked to the media room with a bull's-eye taped to his back.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Facing a hostile road crowd, AJ McCarron led no. 1 Alabama on a game-winning drive, completing the winning touchdown pass with 51 seconds remaining as the Tide beat no. 5 LSU 21-17. McCarron said he was motivated by school pride, the desire to win a national championship, and the pulsing pain emanating from the remote-activated chip implanted in his skull by Nick Saban.
