In case you were out avoiding any Coachella spoilers before the second weekend of the music festival, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:

• The NFL schedule was released on Thursday, and wow, WOW, wow, what a schedule it is! Not only will every team currently in the NFL play 16 games, but each of these teams will have a strategically placed bye added to their schedule. Additionally, some teams will be playing one or more games on non-Sunday days such as Mondays and Thursdays. Interestingly, no games this year are scheduled for Tuesdays. Marquee matchups include games between last year's division winners, last year's Super Bowl participants, teams that have quarterbacks people have heard of, and members of the NFC East. Early analysis suggests that the NFL schedule favors those teams that play mostly inferior teams, with the caveat that those favored teams might themselves prove inferior in the future. More NFL schedule–related analysis later in About Last Night, including a prediction you're not going to believe!
• Eric Chavez got revenge on his former teammates with a three-run double to key the Arizona Diamondbacks' 12-inning 6-2 win over the New York Yankees. The Yankees also got more bad news on the injury front, as shortstop Derek Jeter has been ruled out until the All-Star break with complications related to his injured ankle. Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said after the game, "Tonight's loss was tough, as was the news on Derek, but we'll persevere." Cashman then kept repeating the word persevere, as he stripped down to his underwear before asking the gathered media, "Does anyone have that Swedish House Mafia song on their phone? Cause I could really go for getting weird right now." Cashman then had assistant general manager Jean Afterman flick the lights in the room on and off while he danced arrhythmically before collapsing in a heap of tears.

In case you were out all night looking for the afikomen, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday:

• Dallas got a crucial win in the Western Conference playoff race, beating the Los Angeles Clippers, 109-102, at home. Clippers forward Blake Griffin, who had a potential game-winning shot waved off at the end of regulation after he fouled Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki, said after the game, "Dirk, man, respect his game, but the guy's a real Batusi dancer." When told of Griffin's comments, a puzzled Nowitzki asked, "Wait, is he calling me old? Like Adam West? Or lame? Is he saying I cheated? I don't get it. We won the game. What the hell is this? Ask him what he meant by that." When asked, however, Griffin responded, "Nah, guy just dances the Batusi, you know" before winking at the gathered media and jutting out his mouthpiece with a half smile.
• The United States Men's National Team earned a rare road point at the Estadio Azteca, holding Mexico to a scoreless draw in a World Cup–qualifying match. U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann credited his team's resolve to their prematch preparation, in which Klinsmann himself berated his team in Spanish and threw bags of unidentifiable liquids at them as they attempted corner kicks. When asked if his own experience winning matches in Mexico with West Germany led him to that training technique, Klinsmann responded, "Um … sure. Yes. Let's go with that."

At this very moment, there are no matches being played at the Australian Open. This is true for two reasons: (1) Everyone's asleep, because it's early in the morning, and (2) we, the East Coast liberal media elite, need time to write about what happened the day before without the distraction of amazing tennis matches.

The creators of the Australian Open, which is now more than 100 years old, knew that it was hard for American bloggers to write about tennis while tennis was taking place. Sure, writing about tennis is great, but at the end of the day, you'd rather be watching tennis.

Which is why, when the Internet gets ready for bed in the early evening, around 9 p.m. EST, the Australian Open wakes up.

It's perfect. Sure, you're kind of always between rounds, never really knowing who is at what stage, but that's fine. That's a completely manageable sacrifice to make for writing time, watching time, and (most importantly) no sleeping time.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons intercepted Chiefs QB Matt Cassel in overtime to set up a game-winning field goal in a 16-13 win, but Pittsburgh lost Ben Roethlisberger with a sprained shoulder in the third quarter. "I feel like we're getting really, really close," said Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes at the press conference. "So close now. Come on. Ahhhhhhh! Yes. Wow. Done. Sorry, I had to fart. What was the question?"

Wednesday was Halloween in Paris, too. And one reason to love Paris is that it's the sort of city where it's often hard to know whether it's October 31 or the start of Fashion Week. This is worth mentioning because something happened on Wednesday, in Paris, and it was so delightful, gratuitous, weird, and apt that to witness it really was to kind of WTF-ly spit out your Gummy Eyeball Martini.

This week, you see, is also the BNP Paribas Masters tennis tournament — the Paris Masters. Typically, the action unfolds at the Palais Omnisports de Paris Bercy, a sports and music fortress in the 12th arrondissement right next to the Seine. But for a few magical minutes Wednesday evening, the Paris Masters was taking place on the Death Star. What transpired during those minutes wasn't part of some kind of public-relations rollout on behalf of Disney, which owns Grantland and had just bought Lucasfilm for $4 billion. It wasn't even any kind of art prank. It was merely the current no. 2 player in the world heading to the packed court in a Darth Vader mask.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• The Detroit Tigers took a 2-0 lead on the Yankees in the ALCS with a 3-0 win on Sunday after Derek Jeter suffered a season-ending ankle fracture during Saturday's loss. "As horrible as the pain was, I noticed it made Nick Swisher stop grinning for a second," said Jeter. "So, you know, it's a wash. The whole thing is a wash, because as much as I hate — as we all hate — Nick Swisher, he's so much more despicable when he grins like a buffoon, which is always. Seriously, I'll pay anyone $500 if they can find a photo of him where he's not smiling in a way that makes you want to slap him. So for, like, three seconds after I went down, he was just this annoying idiot with stupid sideburns who can't hit or field but who, for once in his obnoxious life, wasn't grinning. If I had to fracture my ankle to make that possible, then I guess I'm some kind of martyr. I'm Saint Derek, and all my apostles are guys who can't hit a curve."

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.

• Andy Murray won his first career Grand Slam, outlasting Novak Djokovic in a five-set marathon to take the U.S. Open title. The Scottish Murray credited his win to watching the inspirational parts from Braveheart before the match, while Djokovic blamed his loss on watching scenes from the depressing Serbian silent art house film A Lifetime of Sidewalks.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.

• The Baltimore Orioles used three home runs in the eighth inning to break open a tie ball game and surge to a 10-6 win over the Yankees. With 25 games left in the season, the teams are now tied atop the AL East. "It's getting really tense," A-Rod admitted after the game, shaking his head. "It's a puzzle I just can't solve … the orange, it really … it really baffles me. I mean, sometimes I wake up, know it's going to be a bad day without any progress, and I can't help but hate the game. Maybe I'll never solve this one. It's been almost two decades for me, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah … I think the love is gone. And what does that leave for me, A-Rod? What else can someone like me ever do? Nothing. I'm boxed in. What black-hearted bastard invented you, Rubik's Cube?"

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• Yankees GM Brian Cashman told a New York radio host that he "wasn't surprised" that former players Bartolo Colon and Melky Cabrera were suspended for PEDs after spikes in performance.

Sunday's French Open final was an absolute mess. Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal, meeting in the championship round of a Grand Slam for the fourth straight time, fought delays, poor conditions, and their own sporadic play in a match that lacked their usual high quality. Rafa took the first set 6-4 despite losing a 3-0 lead, and won a sloppy second set, 6-3. After a long rain delay, he took a 2-0 lead in the third, and it looked like he might finish the tournament without losing a set.

But the rain had taken a toll, and a huge momentum swing was in the works. Djokovic began playing his usual attacking style, hitting deep returns and dictating play with powerful forehands. Nadal's topspin, so effective at Roland Garros because of the high bounce it takes on clay, was nullified by the heavy balls and wet court. Djokovic won the next eight games, an unprecedented losing streak for Nadal on his favorite surface. And in a rare departure from his fierce on-court demeanor, he began to get frustrated. When Djokovic broke him to start the fourth set, he took one of the soggy balls and angrily threw it at (or toward) tournament referee Stefan Fransen. He was in a bad place, and he knew it. The six-time champ, trying to top Björn Borg for the most French titles of all time, wanted nothing more than to get the hell off the court before all was lost.

Lucky for him, the rain increased and the match was postponed for the night.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.

• Kevin Garnett scored 26 points and Paul Pierce hit a dagger 3 with 52 seconds remaining as the Celtics beat the Heat 94-90 to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference finals. In a sad development to the continuing LeBron James story, the Heat star has taken up slam poetry as a method to cope with his end-of-game struggles. "These prevaricating MEN, I call them al-IEN: Rondo and GARNETT, haven't killed me YET," shouted James, pointing emphatically from the press conference podium. "And you, Mr. Pierce, who call yourself the TRUTH, who are you to proclaim me FALSE?! Where is your … BOOK OF LIES?! For I am a SCRIBE, a son of of the SCROLLS, king of the TRIBE and father of SOULS! Skippedy-bop-bang, cock-a-doodle-DOO, I-got-my-freedoms-and-a-bloobity-BLOO … " The poetry descended into gibberish at that point, and ended with James weeping quietly on Erik Spoelstra's tiny little shoulder.

I’m in Paris for the first time, and I was given one piece of advice to help me fit in: Don’t wear shorts. Europeans don’t, which means doing so is a surefire way to be pegged as a tourist. This is generally but not entirely true. The crowds at the French Open, in Roland Garros, do wear pants more often than shorts, even though it's been hot, and they are generally the most stylish tennis crowd I’ve yet seen. VIPs at the U.S. Open dress gaudier than those occupying box seats in Paris, but they're balanced out by the distressingly large number of fans who arrive in full tennis gear — headbands, wristbands, Nike shoes — as if they fear unpreparedness should Rafael Nadal be in desperate need of a hitting partner. I have seen no white knit shorts at the French Open, and relatively few ball caps. They’re outnumbered, or nearly so, by white and tan Borsalinos, given for free to those in the ritzier sections.

The players seem to take their fashion cues in Paris from the crowd as well: subtle style, with class rather than glitz. The opening of the French Open has been uneventful for the top men's seeds, per usual, with the only notable upset occurring in the fashion world. Last week, Novak Djokovic announced that he had signed a five-year apparel contract with Uniqlo, a Japanese clothier you’re obsessed with if you’re young and into bright colors and live in New York — or anywhere in Asia — but otherwise probably know nothing about.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Tim Duncan scored 21 points and Tony Parker added 17 as the Spurs moved on to the Western Conference Dinals with a 102-99 win (and a 4-0 sweep) over the Clippers. After the win, Duncan sneaked off to the parking lot, sat in the backseat of his minivan, and filled a plastic cup to the halfway line with red wine. "This is your moment, Tim," he whispered to himself. "Enjoy." He took one sip, stared at the wine, and whispered, "Don't be a glutton" before carefully pouring the rest back in the bottle.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• On Saturday, Philip Humber tossed baseball's 21st perfect game in a 4-0 White Sox win over the Mariners. After the game, the ghost of Ford Frick rose from the dead and placed an asterisk next to Humber's accomplishment, saying, "ooooo-ooo-ooo, the Mariners suck, ooo-oooo-oooo."

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• Novak Djokovic outlasted Rafael Nadal in the longest Australian Open championship in history, winning in five sets to capture his third straight Grand Slam victory. After the final point, Djokovic ripped off his shirt and pounded his chest as he screamed in the direction of his family. "I just wanted to make sure the crowd still despised me," he explained. "It was getting dicey after that inspiring victory."

• Despite holding a third-round lead, Tiger Woods faltered to finish third in the Abu Dhabi HSBC Championship, losing to British golfer Robert Rock. Following the loss, Tiger Woods could be seen at a pay phone near the clubhouse, saying, "Elin, accept charges, it's me … I'm going to be a little short this month, hon … sorry, sorry. I won't call you that. Sorry."