In case you were busy preparing for the first day of summer by getting all of your mosquito bites out of the way up front, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday:
- In what can only be described as the culminating erotic explosion of basketball magnificence, the Miami Heat clinched their second consecutive NBA championship with a hard-fought 95-88 Game 7 win over the San Antonio Spurs. Wait, I'm hearing there are other ways to describe this NBA Finals: a roundball symphony, so hole-stuffingly great that the idea of playing another season next year as is currently scheduled is a dubious proposition only because hot damn, hot damn; the ascension of LeBron James to the status of a deity who shall hover over this great nation we call the United States of AmeriBron, shooting orange laser beams out of his eyeballs at our most vile criminals to keep us safe in a time of societal unrest; Tim Duncan's personal debunking of the Horatio Alger myth, which would suggest that any man can pick himself up by the bootstraps and reach the pinnacle of American society, because oh how does old Timmy D not leave that series with a ring in a world where hard work is given its just rewards; and a series in which Chris Bosh cemented his status as the player most likely to be enshrined at Springfield with a collective shrug so ambivalent that it dislocates the shoulders of every NBA fan and pundit alike.
- Jhonny Peralta hit a walk-off ninth-inning home run as the Detroit Tigers stole a win from the AL East–leading Boston Red Sox, 4-3. "Oh I'll steal it back," said Boston closer Andrew Bailey, who allowed the home run. "By hook or by crook, I swear I'll get us this win back." But Bailey's attempts to do so, first by hiring internationally feared jewel thief "The Dingo," and then, after the Dingo was apprehended outside of Geneva, by dangling a wire hanger over sleeping Detroit manager Jim Leyland's head with no specific purpose in mind, both proved to be fool's errands.