The football rivalry between Oregon and Oregon State, nicknamed the "Civil War,” has always had something of an image problem. Take the name, for starters: Though quite common, it’s not as deliciously ironic as the BYU-Utah “Holy War,” or as geographically appropriate as the West Virginia–Pittsburgh “Backyard Brawl.” But for decades, that name was all they had. Neither school was even remotely on the national radar before the mid-'90s. And if they were, it was because of their Disneyfied color schemes and innocuous mascots.
But now, the “Civil War” sounds entirely quaint seeing as how the Beavers have taken after the Ducks’ Decepticon rebranding and the two schools will appear to be reenacting Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen this December, right in time for Christmas. By this point, I don’t think I have to preface you on why it’s major news when Oregon State’s Nike-sponsored gear is dropping jaws. My lord, have you seen these new Oregon State unis? Being that Phil Knight is a UO alum, I’m unsure if OSU has much pull in Beaverton (oddly enough), but it appears as if the school took a gander at Nike’s Pro Combat line and said, “We’re trying to win football games, not look like we’re going to church.” Those Neopolitan face masks!
The lesson was important: The Beavers already had one of the most recognizable color schemes and logos in college football, but as coach Mike Riley tweeted, it’s all about luring 18-year-old kids who might base the next four years of their lives on the possibility of wearing socks that are inscribed with “hip hop hooray.” Oregon State can serve as an example for many other second bananas across the college football landscape that are seeking to gain ground on their more respected rivals through some kind of radical and ridiculous rebranding. Sure, it looks a little desperate and they might always be no. 2 compared to their wealthier, more successful elders, but there’s nothing wrong with being Solange these days. Here are some more glaring opportunities:
In case you were out grilling in the rain to prove to yourself you could withstand the rigors of living in ancient times, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The San Antonio Spurs blew a double-digit, fourth-quarter lead, falling to the Phoenix Suns in overtime, 105-101, snapping an 18-game home winning streak. Spurs point guard and noted Frenchman Tony Parker, who was serenaded with MVP chants in the third quarter, said after the game, "How can one be 'most valuable' when we are all merely sacks of meat containing hearts that only continue beating out of a fear of change. Hopefully, our late collapse taught the people of San Antonio that lesson, and if it did not, que sera, for they are already dead in the eyes of our already living future selves." Parker then pulled out a pack of Gauloises, only to find it empty. "Cruel irony, if this does not serve as proof of a merciless God, which it does not, then what could?" Parker then folded the empty pack into a balloon and used it to hover slightly off the ground.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Today's jokes will be written and performed by Dr. Magnus Facts, the winner of the recent "About Last Night for a Day" contest. He has dedicated his life to facts.
Cody Zeller scored 20 points and grabbed eight boards as no. 1 Indiana destroyed no. 14 North Carolina 83-59. Hello, I am Dr. Magnus Facts. Indiana won this basketball game.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Tony Parker hit a jump shot at the buzzer to give the Spurs an 86-84 win over the Thunder in the season opener for both teams. Thunder star James Harden was noticeably quiet on the night, scoring zero points in limited action.
A quick one this week, amigos, with a rundown of the top 10 games and Your Perfect Saturday:
10. Kent State at no. 15 Rutgers
Big Ten fans will be unhappy to see that I chose this one over Michigan-Nebraska, if only because the Big East is starting to look like a pretty interesting race, and Kent State, at 6-1, is on a crash course with Ohio for a MAC East championship game on November 23. It feels like there might be upset potential here, but Kent State's blowout loss to Kentucky earlier in the season should give you pause.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Scott Rolen's fielding error allowed Buster Posey to score the winning run as the Giants beat the Reds 2-1 in 10 innings to avoid elimination in the NLDS. Now that's what I call a "Dust-Buster"! Because he beat Dusty Baker's team, and his name is Bust … hey, screw you, that kind of stuff kills overseas! Kills!
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The NFL and the referee union released a joint statement last night announcing they had reached an agreement to end the lockout. Unfortunately, this probably means that troubled ex-Charger Ryan Leaf is now out of a job as a Division III line judge.
Manassas Junction, Virginia, 1861 — It's July 21, and the Civil War is about to begin for real. Union soldiers march south from Washington, D.C., to meet the Confederates, and the feeling throughout the north is that the rebels will hightail it back south after they get massacred on day one. The high muckety-mucks from D.C. — congressmen, business owners, and various other rich people — come down to picnic and watch the rout. Instead, after a long day of fighting, Stonewall Jackson and the Confederates send their enemies into a headlong retreat for Washington. As they flee north, the soldiers find the roads blocked by the panicked civilians who had come to watch the end of the pesky rebellion. And that's how the Battle of Bull Run ended.
I was a Civil War nerd as a kid, so it probably figures that while watching the Pac-12 shock the world last Saturday, I thought of Bull Run. It was the conference's best day in years, and it completely transformed their image around the country. The three ranked teams did their job, and that was expected — USC beat Syracuse, Oregon beat Fresno State, Stanford beat Duke. But the little guys did their part, too. Arizona dominated no. 18 Oklahoma State at home, Oregon State stunned no. 13 Wisconsin, UCLA outgunned no. 16. Nebraska in one of the best games of the weekend, and Arizona State destroyed Illinois. (Only Washington disappointed in the high-profile games, failing to make a dent against the Baton Rouge Tigers of the NFL's Second Division.)
There are now five Pac-12 teams in the AP top 25, and two more within sniffing distance. It's a revolution! The games were mostly at home, sure, but even under those circumstances the odds were long. Yet the mighty programs of the Big 10 and Big 12 left with their tails between their legs, fans in tow, realizing they'd underestimated the enemy. Week 2 was the Pac-12's Bull Run, and now everyone has to take them seriously.
So I'm calling it: This is the year of the Pac-12. Here are three more semi-ignorant reasons to love the rejuvenated conference.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
J.J. Hardy hit two home runs and a double as the Orioles beat the Rays 9-2 and moved back into a tie for first in the AL East. Hardy's brother Frank went 1-4 with a single as their stoic dad Fenton looked on from the stands, and their plump pal Chet Morton stayed in the dugout practicing card tricks, his latest crazy hobby.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
In the opening game of the NFL season, Tony Romo threw for 307 yards and three touchdowns — two of them to unheralded receiver Kevin Ogletree — as the Cowboys beat the Giants 24-17. On the Giants side, rookie running back David Wilson wept after a first-quarter fumble, but later admitted he had been listening to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor on tiny headphones. "That part where she sings it really high?" asked Wilson, rhetorically, before sobbing again. He then turned and saw a deflated Tom Coughlin with his head in his hands a few seats down. "See? It gets him, too!"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Quarterback Logan Thomas led no. 16 Virginia Tech back from the brink of defeat with two key drives as the Hokies beat Georgia Tech 17-14 in overtime. Unfortunately, the celebrations on the Blacksburg campus got a little out of hand late Monday night when Virginia Tech students began throwing upholstered hay bales out their dorm windows.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Red-hot Mariners ace Felix Hernandez tossed a five-hit, complete game shutout as the M's squeaked by the Twins 1-0. In related news, Las Vegas is now a bankrupt ghost town after more than 100 million gamblers placed significant bets on the Mariners-Twins game ending 1-0.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
American gymnast Aly Raisman won a bronze medal on the balance beam event final, and followed that up with a gold on the floor exercise. Beleaguered U.S. gymnast Jordyn Wieber finished seventh in the floor exercise when she experienced an unfortunate bout of Apparatus Confusion Disorder (ACD), leading her to mistake the floor for the uneven bars and jump around making weird swinging motions until she was tranquilized by her coach.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Kevin Durant scored 17 of his 28 points in the third quarter as the U.S. dominated Argentina 126-97. Following the win, an extremely condescending Kobe Bryant autographed a basketball for Manu Ginobili and patted him on the head.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Usain Bolt won his second straight gold medal in the men's 100-meter dash, pulling away from the field and finishing in 9.63 seconds, an Olympic record. The victory had a somewhat odd conclusion as the famously egotistical Bolt spread both arms wide and leaped into the air, expecting to become the first human to fly, only to crash into fourth-place finisher Tyson Gay and curse him out for "standing on the runway like an idiot."
