In case you were busy trying to pass off a quiche as an acceptable offering at a Pi Day party, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Damian Lillard and the Portland Trail Blazers handed the New York Knicks their third straight defeat, winning at home, 105-90. Lillard, the leading candidate for Rookie of the Year, has already established himself as a fan favorite in Portland, where he's respected both for his efficient offensive play and his ability to remind people how much they liked Matthew Lillard in SLC Punk.
San Antonio completed a season-series sweep of their instate rivals, beating the Dallas Mavericks, 92-91, at home after Vince Carter's game-winning shot attempt rimmed out. After the game, Carter was seen slapping himself across the face; when asked why, Carter responded, "Must.Wake.From.Nightmare.”
In case you were out brainstorming baby names with Shakira and Gerard Pique last night, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
American teenager Sloane Stephens upset Serena Williams at the Australian Open in an exhilarating, injury-plagued three-set thriller, 3-6, 7-5, 6-4. As the final shot was struck just before the clock struck midnight in New York, a hirsute figure scaled the walls of Arthur Ashe Stadium at the USTA National Tennis Center. "American tennis is dead! Long live American Tennis! American Tennis is dead! Long live American Tennis!" Was the figure that of Pete Sampras? Was it? Who could possibly know? (It was.)
At this very moment, there are no matches being played at the Australian Open. This is true for two reasons: (1) Everyone's asleep, because it's early in the morning, and (2) we, the East Coast liberal media elite, need time to write about what happened the day before without the distraction of amazing tennis matches.
The creators of the Australian Open, which is now more than 100 years old, knew that it was hard for American bloggers to write about tennis while tennis was taking place. Sure, writing about tennis is great, but at the end of the day, you'd rather be watching tennis.
Which is why, when the Internet gets ready for bed in the early evening, around 9 p.m. EST, the Australian Open wakes up.
It's perfect. Sure, you're kind of always between rounds, never really knowing who is at what stage, but that's fine. That's a completely manageable sacrifice to make for writing time, watching time, and (most importantly) no sleeping time.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Steelers linebacker Lawrence Timmons intercepted Chiefs QB Matt Cassel in overtime to set up a game-winning field goal in a 16-13 win, but Pittsburgh lost Ben Roethlisberger with a sprained shoulder in the third quarter. "I feel like we're getting really, really close," said Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel, gritting his teeth and closing his eyes at the press conference. "So close now. Come on. Ahhhhhhh! Yes. Wow. Done. Sorry, I had to fart. What was the question?"
In one of my very favorite Real World seasons, London in 1995, there was a cast member named Jay who was totally boring — his routine consisted of staying up late to watch TV every night and then napping on the couch for most of the day. In other words, he was the realest reality character that I've ever seen. When I idly daydreamed about being on Real World, I figured I'd be just like Jay: lazy, content to lounge around in a ridiculous house, and sure to feign sleep anytime drama unfolded.
If I said I’d picked Tomas Berdych to beat Roger Federer last night, I’d be lying. But the Andy Murray freak-out against Marin Cilic was actually more surprising, even if Murray handled Cilic easily in the end. Federer was having a terrible night — he can really shank his forehand — and Berdych has tremendous talent. He hits ground strokes with the speed of serves. Last night, a few of his returns embarrassed the great Federer.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
In the opening game of the NFL season, Tony Romo threw for 307 yards and three touchdowns — two of them to unheralded receiver Kevin Ogletree — as the Cowboys beat the Giants 24-17. On the Giants side, rookie running back David Wilson wept after a first-quarter fumble, but later admitted he had been listening to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor on tiny headphones. "That part where she sings it really high?" asked Wilson, rhetorically, before sobbing again. He then turned and saw a deflated Tom Coughlin with his head in his hands a few seats down. "See? It gets him, too!"
Andy Roddick announced last night that he will be hanging up his spurs whenever he completes his run at the U.S. Open. The 30-year-old, once America's great tennis hope, leaves the game with a U.S. Open trophy (2003), four other Grand Slam final appearances (including a legendary clash with his fremesis, Roger Federer, at Wimbledon in 2009), $20 million in prize money, and Brooklyn Decker on his arm. He also leaves behind an incredible collection of press conference appearances. Because even when Andy Roddick lost on the court, he won in the media room. For those about to quip, we salute you:
I am not a naturally inquisitive person. Sometimes, this leads to situations that could easily be avoided with questions like “Where are we going?” and “Is the blindfold really necessary?” Occasionally though, it’s the source of a steady stream of surprises. As I rode the train to the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center Monday night, I realized I knew only three details about the next few hours.
1. Our U.S. Open tickets said seven o'clock, so we would be late. 2. The tickets were provided by Heineken, so there would probably be beer. 3. The beer would most likely be Heineken.
The dearth of knowledge was perfect — not because I only wanted to drink and watch tennis, but because my trip to the U.S. Open was about 20 years in the making. I’d spent the majority of my life taking in Flushing Meadows by way of my television, so now that I was here I wanted it all to unfold as organically as possible. Then, just before we exited the train, my friend Matt casually mentioned how excited he was to see Roger play in person.
Everybody had a reason to be nervous about Sunday's Wimbledon Gentlemen's singles final. The long-suffering British were nervous they'd have to go yet another year without a local champion. Andy Murray, the unenviable object of their stress, had to be nervous that his opponent, Roger Federer, would find a way to vanquish him in a third major championship match and make more history. And Federer was worried that his back would act up as it had begun to do during his quarterfinal match against Xavier Malisse.
To that end, Federer had taken to wearing a black V-neck shirt beneath his white tennis polo. Which, in turn, had begun to worry me. Obviously, the undershirt was there for support, to keep him loose and warm and confident enough to go for his shots. It seemed to work. Down went Mikhail Youzhny in the quarterfinals, then the defending champion, Novak Djokovic, in the semis, then Murray and, with him, all of Great Britain.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Roger Federer defeated local hero Andy Murray in four sets to win his seventh Wimbledon title, tying Pete Sampras's record for the most all-time titles. But the champion angered the crowd during Murray's emotional post-match speech when he kept leaning over with a dumb grin and urging Murray to "do the Braveheart monologue." Murray ignored him the best he could, but as he choked up while thanking the crowd, Federer could be heard off camera shouting "freeedoommmm!" and giggling.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Tim Lincecum struck out eight over seven scoreless innings to earn his first win in two months and give the Giants their third straight shutout against the Dodgers, propelling them into a tie for first place in the NL West. The 3-0 win was such a relief for Lincecum that he shook his head around dramatically in the shower, eyes closed, wet hair flying everywhere, clearly pretending he was in a triumphant sports movie. Players nearby reported that he could be heard singing the words to Styx's "Show Me the Way," which everyone thought was pretty much a perfect choice for that scene.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Kevin Garnett scored 26 points and Paul Pierce hit a dagger 3 with 52 seconds remaining as the Celtics beat the Heat 94-90 to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference finals. In a sad development to the continuing LeBron James story, the Heat star has taken up slam poetry as a method to cope with his end-of-game struggles. "These prevaricating MEN, I call them al-IEN: Rondo and GARNETT, haven't killed me YET," shouted James, pointing emphatically from the press conference podium. "And you, Mr. Pierce, who call yourself the TRUTH, who are you to proclaim me FALSE?! Where is your … BOOK OF LIES?! For I am a SCRIBE, a son of of the SCROLLS, king of the TRIBE and father of SOULS! Skippedy-bop-bang, cock-a-doodle-DOO, I-got-my-freedoms-and-a-bloobity-BLOO … " The poetry descended into gibberish at that point, and ended with James weeping quietly on Erik Spoelstra's tiny little shoulder.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
The Los Angeles Clippers stunned the Memphis Grizzlies at home, winning Game 7 82-72 for the franchise's third playoff-series victory in 41 years. After the game, Chris Paul surveyed the catatonic Memphis crowd. "Are they actually stunned?" he asked. "Or do they just always look that way?"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Tim Tebow was introduced to the New York media on Monday and told them that there is no quarterback controversy between Mark Sanchez and him. "Just like there's no Jesus controversy between Jesus and Mark Sanchez," he said, winking. "But seriously, I do forgive him."
