In case you were out just driving, man, just hitting the open road, here's what you missed in sports Tuesday.
The Houston Rockets tied the NBA record for 3-pointers but were denied the record outright after a flurry of ejections marred the end of their 140-109 win over the Golden State Warriors. Houston point guard Jeremy Lin, who led the way for the Rockets with 28 points and nine assists, said after the game, "It was total Linsanity out there, huh?" before pausing dramatically for effect. "I mean, I've seen some things in my day, but that was totally Linsane." Lin then paused again, before admitting, "Guys, I have a lot of T-shirts to move, so if you could remind people of Linsanity, that would be really great. My cousin is all like, 'Get these boxes out of my garage,' and I'm like, 'Whatever, Tom. You said I could leave them in there as long as I needed,' and he's all like, 'Yeah, but I thought they'd be gone in a week,' and I was all like, 'Yeah, me, too.'"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The NFL and the referee union released a joint statement last night announcing they had reached an agreement to end the lockout. Unfortunately, this probably means that troubled ex-Charger Ryan Leaf is now out of a job as a Division III line judge.
Major League Baseball suspended Giants outfielder Melky Cabrera for 50 games after he tested positive for excessive levels of testosterone, wiping out the rest of his season and dealing a blow to San Francisco's playoff hopes.
The notion that Cabrera could have a major impact on a pennant race would have seemed ludicrous as recently as two years ago. At that point in his career, Cabrera had reached double-digit home runs in a season just once. Hell, he'd slugged .400 or better just once. He was a popgun hitter who provided moderate value when his bloops and grounders would find holes, next to zero value when they didn't.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Tony Parker scored 34 points and dished out eight assists as the Spurs remained unbeaten in the postseason, beating the Thunder 120-111 and going up 2-0 in the Western Conference Finals. "I'm … I'm running out of time," the Doctor told the Spurs star, in a quiet nook of the locker room. "The Bentonite has been too close to me for too long. Without the powder, I won't last much longer." Parker put his head in his hands. "But without you … my God, the whole sports landscape will explode! Only you can cure its ills!" The Doctor nodded wearily. He stood, slumped to the right, and walked away, weaker than Parker had ever seen him. "I can't help you anymore," he whispered, and was gone.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Dwyane Wade scored 25 points as the Heat took a 2-0 lead on the Knicks with a 104-94 win. After the game, sources report that Amar'e Stoudemire punched the glass casing surrounding a fire extinguisher, suffering lacerations that may keep him out for the rest of the playoffs. The incident reportedly began with the Knicks forward sitting in the locker room muttering crazily to himself: "What stops Heat? To know what stops heat, I must know what makes heat. Heat comes from flames. Flames come from fire. Fire must be extinguished. FIRE MUST BE EXTINGUISHED! AHHHHHHH *sound of shattering glass* AHHHH, MY HAND!" Following the incident, Knicks forward Steve Novak quietly picked up the fire extinguisher, whispered, "He was right — fire must be extinguished," and went off looking for Burnie, the Heat mascot.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Sources reported that Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis had an electronic device installed in his suite that allowed him to eavesdrop on the headset conversations of opposing coaches. "Listen, I know this looks bad," said Loomis, wearing a wide grin in an attempt to mollify the media, "but the truth is that 10 to 20 percent of the time, I couldn't even relay the plays to Sean in time for us to do anything. So, you know ... chillax, everyone. As my kids say. Non-story. Nothing to see here, move along, as a cop would say. Better get back on this bounty thing, right? That's the real deal. Where there's smoke, there's fire. I won't mention any names, but I've got it on good faith that Gregg Williams put a bounty on sleeping with other player's wives. Wink-wink. Who does that? That's sick, if you ask me. That's front page pornographic material. That's career-making, for a journalist. This electronics stuff belongs in an iPod newsletter, if anything. It's boring, guys. And let's be honest, you're boring enough already. 'Hey, look at me, I'm Dweeby McNewspaper, I play with walkie-talkies because I make no money and wish I was an Army grunt.' Not that I think any of you are dweebs, mind you. And please don't print that about the Army, I love and respect the Army. Big time. Well, don't say 'love,' because, you know, don't ask don't tell and that whole can of worms, but let's just avoid that issue altogether and focus on the heart of the matter, which is that Gregg Williams looks in the windows of other player's wives with binoculars on nights with no moon. Quote that as anonymous, if you would."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Sources indicate that Peyton Manning, released by the Colts on Wednesday, is planning to pick a new team within the week. "Have you totally ruled out evil coaches who would sign you just to bury you on the bench and demean you in front of your peers?" asked Bill Belichick. "Have you totally ruled out a coach who made a few bad impulse purchases and can only pay you in gumballs?" asked Rex Ryan. "Same question, but with butter," said Andy Reid.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Despite recent trade rumors, Celtics coach Doc Rivers said he is confident that Rajon Rondo will remain with the team until the season's end. "He can't leave," said Rivers, with a disturbing grin. "I've got his whole family held captive in my basement." He then held a single finger to his lips, smiled broadly, and made a long "shhhh" sound.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The man who collected Ryan Braun's urine sample last fall said he followed the same protocol he had with hundreds of previous samples. "Okay, I'll admit it," he said, grinning, "I took a little sip. But come on, man, it's Ryan friggin' Braun! The MVP! You'd have done the same thing."
Along with a broken nose, Kobe Bryant sustained a concussion when Dwyane Wade elbowed him at the All-Star game. Wade sent his apologies, saying, "I never wanted that kind of outcome." He then took out a crumpled piece of paper labeled "The Kobe Project," crossed 'head' from the top of the list, and stared longingly at the next item, "left kidney."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Ryan Braun's 50-game suspension for violating MLB's drug policy has been overturned on appeal. Details from the meeting are still foggy, but sources indicate that Braun demanded a trial by combat, and got all hyped up on testosterone before defeating one of Bud Selig's 16 bastard sons.
Linsanity is over forever. Jeremy Lin scored eight points on 1-11 shooting and turned the ball over eight times as the Knicks fell to the Miami Heat 102-88. The time has come … TO BURN HIM! BURN THE UPSTART! THIS IS AMERICA, JEREMY, WE CREATED YOU AND NOW WE WILL DESTROY YOU! THAT PEDESTAL YOU SEE BENEATH YOU DOUBLES AS A FUNERAL PYRE! WE ARE THE FICKLE PRINCES OF THE UNITED 50, AND WE SHALL NOT SPARE YOU THE FLAMES!
On Thursday, an arbitration panel upheld Braun's appeal and threw out a pending 50-game suspension against the reigning National League MVP. It marked the first time that a major league player has ever had a positive drug test overturned.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
There are no more winless teams in Division 1 college basketball. Binghamton University became the last team to win a game this season, beating Vermont 57-53 and moving to 1-26 on the year. Interestingly enough, the win immediately made Binghamton the nation's best team. They beat Vermont, who beat Old Dominion earlier this season, who in turn beat South Florida, who beat Pittsburghtwice, who beat Tennessee, who beat Florida, who beat Florida State, who beat Duke, who beat Michigan State, who beat Indiana, who beat no. 1 Kentucky earlier this season, proving beyond argument that Binghamton is better than Kentucky and therefore the top team in the country.
Rodney McGruder scored 24 points as unranked Kansas State upset no. 3 Missouri on the road, 78-68. The win virtually guarantees a tournament spot to KSU, and insane Wildcat coach Frank Martin celebrated by angrily drinking a gallon of pig's blood in front of his players to teach them some kind of lesson.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday
Flu-like symptoms didn't stop LeBron James from scoring 31 points and leading the Heat to a 98-87 win over the Lakers. "It was just like Jordan in Game 5 of the '97 Finals!" yelled a sweaty, 6'8" reporter wearing a fake mustache and beard, as everyone in the press area waited for LeBron to come out.
Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal both advanced to the round of 16 in straight sets at the Australian Open, where they're on a collision course to meet in the semifinals. The last time they met in Australia, Rafa made Roger cry by beating him in the finals. This time, Roger vowed to stew moodily in the background, flick wisps of hair off his forehead, and daydream about fire-bombing the whole island of Mallorca.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The Texas Rangers reached a deal with Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish worth approximately $60 million. When he heard the news that he'd be going to Arlington, Darvish immediately learned the English translation for "T-Bone steak," "dude ranch," and, "I'm Japanese, so please stop calling me 'Jorge' in a vaguely menacing way."
According to a source, Tim Tebow sustained serious injuries in the third quarter of the Broncos' loss to the Patriots. He soldiered on despite torn rib cartilage, a bruised lung, and fluid buildup. He laid pretty low on Monday, but gave hope and solace to his followers when he was back up and about on the third day.
