1. Sergio Agüero: The Quiet Neighbor
Triangle Blog Brother/Rankonia Writer Emeritus Chris Ryan nominates Agüero, who is this week’s hero:

"Are we underrating Sergio Agüero? He isn't as prone to fireworks or setting off fireworks as Mario Balotelli and he doesn't have a deep, unquenchable love of golf like Carlos Tévez, he just scores goals. Alex Ferguson called Manchester City the noisy neighbors. But the only time there is a noise surrounding the Argentine, nicknamed "Kun" (King), is when he scores. And what a sound he created Sunday.

In addition to being the year of the upset, the year of the hot goaltender, and the year of complaining incessantly about suspension decisions, the 2012 NHL playoffs are quickly becoming the year of the “puck over the glass” penalty. The call has come up so often in this year’s playoffs that Canadian sports network TSN has started keeping track of it on a big board. They’ve already counted more than 20.

I have my own big board, and it keeps track of how many times the penalty should have been called: zero. That’s because the puck-over-glass rule is the single dumbest rule in hockey, and maybe in all of sports.

1. Chris Paul: !!!!!
Chris Paul! Unstoppable! Unforgettable! Probably some other "Un-s", too! Chris Ryan, whom you might remember as your regular Rankonia writer, nominates our hometown hero for this week's top spot:

"I've watched every minute of the Grizzlies-Clippers series. I've seen Tony Allen try to stop Chris Paul. I've seen Mike Conley, Jr. try to stop Chris Paul. I've seen Allen, Rudy Gay, and Marc Gasol try to stop Chris Paul together. I've seen O.J. Mayo try to stop Chris Paul for 90 feet and I've seen Quincy Pondexter try to stop him at the last second. It just doesn't matter. I don't think I ever really knew what it meant for an athlete to be unstoppable until I saw Chris Paul play basketball in the fourth quarter and overtime. Now that I do, I certainly won't forget it."

The first round of the NHL playoffs is quite possibly the two best weeks in all of sports. Yes, the Stanley Cup finals are nice, in that endlessly drawn-out “Why are they taking a week off before it starts?” way that the NHL insists upon. But the first round is pure adrenaline. It’s the very best the sport has to offer, every night, served up through a fire hose for two straight weeks.

And this year’s version might have been the most exciting in recent memory. It seemed like every game involved either overtime or a brawl or double-digit goals or some combination of all three. For fans of the 16 teams that made up the first round, the last two weeks have been amazing.

For the fans of those 16 teams. For the rest of us … not so much.

So did you hear the one about the NHL playoff series that went according to script?

No, you didn’t, because this year, that isn't happening. The favorites are struggling, the underdogs are winning, the dynasties are imploding, and a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of are dominating. As a wise man once said, everything is happening. And nothing makes sense.

Let’s summarize.

Hockey’s Three Stars of Comedy is a monthly feature that will recognize the three NHL personalities from around the league who produced the most comedic fodder for fans. It will appear every month, unlike Toronto Maple Leafs home wins.

Honorable Mentions

Nicklas Grossmann, Philadelphia Flyers
I remember one summer when I was 10 or 11 years old, I went to baseball camp. On the first day, the instructor read my name wrong on the list and called me by my middle name. Rather than correct him, I just meekly went with it and spent the next two weeks trying to remember that I had to answer to “Kevin." It’s a cute story, because I was a little kid and not a fully grown professional athlete like, say, Nicklas Grossman.

The veteran defenseman had a similar experience, except it lasted for his entire NHL career right up until a few weeks ago. That’s when he finally got around to informing the Flyers that “Nicklas Grossman” didn’t actually exist. His last name is Grossmann, with an extra “n." The NHL had had it wrong his whole career, and he’d never bothered to tell anyone.

Hockey’s Three Stars of Comedy is a monthly feature that will recognize the three NHL personalities from around the league who produced the most comedic fodder for fans. It will appear every month until Brian Burke finally fires Ron Wilson, which means it will run forever.

Honorable Mentions

Dwayne Roloson, Tampa Bay Lightning
Imagine you’re a 42-year-old goalie having a terrible season for a terrible team, and you’re facing a guy who is quite possibly the best player in the entire league. What would your strategy be?

Monday is trade deadline day in the NHL. Or, as hockey fans call it: THE GREATEST DAY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

And with good reason. NHL trade deadline day is truly one of the most anticipated, ridiculously overhyped, and just downright fun days on the entire sports calendar.
If you’re a hockey fan, of course, you already knew that. If you’re not, and you’re wondering what all the fuss is about, here are a half-dozen important things you need to know about NHL trade deadline day.

Hockey’s Three Stars of Comedy is a monthly feature that will recognize the three NHL personalities from around the league who produced the most comedic fodder for fans. It will appear at the end of every month (we're close enough this time, right?) unless it hits somebody in the head and gets suspended, at which point it will stay home and sulk.

Honorable Mentions

Corey Perry, Patrick Kane, and Carey Price, All-Stars
For the last few years, the NHL has basically decided that anything goes during the skills competition breakaway event. Props, costumes, special effects — you name it. Each year, that leads to a few players trying to get creative.

Corey Perry's mini-stick and Patrick Kane's Superman routine (with bonus exploding puck encore) both deserve credit for effort, even if Superman didn’t wear glasses and a cape at the same time. But the real star of the show was goaltender Carey Price, who had a bang-on Vesa Toskala impression going right up until he ruined it by making the save.

The NHL’s annual All-Star fantasy draft is the undisputed highlight of the NHL’s All-Star weekend, in the same way that reading magazines in the waiting room is the undisputed highlight of a colonoscopy.

After last year’s generally well-received debut of the concept, this year’s draft takes place Thursday night in Ottawa. This time around, the captains are Daniel Alfredsson of the Senators and Zdeno Chara of the Bruins, and they’ll alternate picks as they divide up the 42 players who were picked for the game in a 19-round draft.

The league has also named an assistant captain for each squad. Alfredsson gets Ranger goalie Henrik Lundqvist because he’s an elite player from a first-place team who is recognized worldwide. Chara gets Joffrey Lupul because apparently everyone else said no.

The assistants will presumably help the captains with their picks, though that might not be necessary. Both captains are known for being eminently knowledgeable and meticulously prepared, so it’s not like either of them would ever get blindsided.

What can fans expect? Here’s my best guess as to how it could all play out.