In case you were busy learning how boring Nevada is outside of Las Vegas, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Texas's Yu Darvish was one out away from a perfect game, but he was forced to settle for a near shutout as Marwin Gonzalez singled late in the Rangers' 7-0 win over the Houston Astros. "He sure did mar my win tonight, didn't he?" Darvish asked rhetorically after the game, before adding, "see, you can make puns out of anyone's name. Not just mine, Yu guys."
Kobe Bryant got his 19th career triple-double as the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Dallas Mavericks, 101-81, in a critical Western Conference showdown. The Lakers also retired star center Shaquille O'Neal's no. 34 at the game. Bryant showed great respect for his former teammate, saying, "He's the best player I've ever suited up next to. I mean, even Dwight Howard is no Shaquille O'Neal." Bryant's eyes narrowed, as a flood of memories came back to him before he added, "But, of course, Shaquille O'Neal is no Dwight Howard." Bryant's eyes narrowed yet further as he felt compelled to add, "But Dwight Howard is no Shaquille O'Neal," before Bryant's eyes became somehow even narrower as he said, "But Shaquille O'Neal is no Dwight Howard." Then Bryant, his eyes now impossibly narrow, added, "But, of course, Dwight Howard is no Shaquille O'Neal," before he closed his eyes completely, swallowed hard, and said, "and neither of those guys could hold Elden Campbell's jock."
Serious life lessons were recently learned in New Orleans, and I need to talk about all of them right now.
I woke up Wednesday morning, the no-man's-land day of Super Bowl week, situated after Media Day but before the throngs arrive, without a single clue as to what to write about. An hour later, my one idea — "Whaddaya think are the chances I can get away with writing something today about how the onslaught of on-air personality ex-athlete commentators are now the most celeb-y people around New Orleans, which is creepy and weird?" — was scrapped because I'm not trying to beef with a bunch of bigger dudes with dad strength, many of whom are sharing the same workspace and wireless bandwith.
So I was back to square one. Nothing.
Slightly panicked, I did what any wise person does when they're in a tight spot:
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The Rams defense contained Kevin Kolb (28/50, 289 yards) and Ryan Williams (14 carries, 33 yards) en route to handing the Cardinals their first loss of the season, 17-3. Among those in attendance at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis were actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder, and President Barack Obama. Nah, I'm kidding, none of those people would ever go to that game. Grow up, St. Louis. You're pathetic.
BREAKING NEWS FROM CRAIGSLIST: Hard times have hit Newport Beach, where a famous Polish artist, who also happens to be famous in Eastern Europe (non-Poland parts) and Russia (non-Polish parts) has been forced to sell off a $2 million collection of “sport art.” For $100,000 each (not including a $3,000 frame), prospective buyers can take home one of three Shaquille O’Neal paintings, a Magic Johnson painting, or any one of three Michael Schumachers.
The paintings have been appraised for their life-sizeness. Because a near-life-size painting of Ali and Liston by another artist — not famous in Poland — once sold for $100,000, it stands to reason that a life-size painting of Shaq, who is roughly 18–20 percent taller and about 80 percent heavier, should sell for somewhere around $190,000–$220,000. But because the market for fine art has fallen so precipitously in recent years, this famous Polish artist has been forced to liquidate his collection.
Click here for the Craigslist ad. All purchases come with a coffee-table book dedicated to Shaq. (Check out the ad after the jump).
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
The New Jersey Devils seized control of the Eastern Conference finals, using Ryan Carter's late goal and an empty-netter by Zach Parise to beat the Rangers 5-3 and take a 3-2 series edge. Before he skated off the ice, Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist told the Devils that a ghost goalie was taking his place, and that anyone who scored on him would be killed in their sleep. As of press time, Parise was pacing through Jersey City in a bleary-eyed panic, blasting heavy metal on his earphones and slapping himself in the face every few seconds.
Rust versus rest! You would be right to forget about the pregame narrative after watching the Thunder wax the Lakers last night, but outside of the Metta World Peace vs. James Harden story line, the dominant discussion leading into (and through the early stages of) Game 1 was how the Thunder would play after their nine-day break following their sweep of the Mavericks. Of course, the way the Thunder played might write off any rust-related discussion for a while, but it's an interesting question to ponder: Do NBA teams really get rusty after long postseason layoffs?
One way to make the case for rust is to absolutely fabricate a story about being rusty. That's what Shaquille O'Neal did during the pregame show, when he mentioned that his 1994-95 Magic team, the one that had beaten the Bulls during their playoff run, promptly received 17 days off before playing the Rockets in the Finals. There, a rusty Magic team couldn't compete with Houston in Game 1 and eventually, according to Shaq, lost the series because of it.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Linside the Air Canada Centre lin Toronto, the lindomitable Jeremy Lin linitiated the offense. Raptors defender Jose Calderon had a linkling — lindeed, a lincredibly strong linference — that a linstantaneous drive was linevitable. "He's not so linventive," Calderon linsisted, linternalizing his lincessant doubt. Linstead, Lin lincapacitated the linattentive Calderon with a lintrepid game-winning 3-pointer. "Linsubordinate lincorrigible lingrate!" a lincensed Amar'e Stoudemire linsisted, lindulging in linvective and linnuendo. "How linteresting!" linterjected the linoffensive Canadians. "Linspired!" Coach Mike D'Antoni lintimated to his lintermediaries. "A LINCANDESCENT, LINVIGORATING SHOT TO LINVOKE GHOSTS, LINCITE RIOTS, AND LINFLAME THE MASSES!" shouted the announcer, and everyone was like, whoa, dude, enough.