The NFL embodies the sort of idealized America that only exists when presidential candidates start to get a little teary-eyed about the promise of our forefathers. Every team starts with basically an equal chance of fulfilling the American Dream (read: annual trip to Disneyland), and if they fail to do so on a yearly basis, you can and should blame the victim. Work hard, be careful with your dollars, and allow for a sprinkling of top-down benevolence, and you’re on the road to success. With each season, there’s enough hope for the populace to vote with their wallets.
But in a way, college football has become far more actually American in terms of how economic hierarchies and criminal allowance determine the landscape — the most common phrase uttered during the recruiting process is the “rich get richer,” as resource-rich schools siphon the top talent from the needy like Mr. Burns’s slant-drilling operation. Real upward mobility takes generations, whereas the new-money teams are bankrolled by billionaires who are at least somewhat supervillain-y.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Tiger Woods grew testy when questioned about former swing coach Hank Haney's new book, refusing to answer questions but ending one interview by saying, "you're a beauty" and "have a good day." Which is not markedly different from a lot of his prior interactions, but in the past there used to be like six sweaty minutes between the two phrases.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Marshawn Lynch rushed for 148 yards and two touchdowns as the Seahawks beat the Eagles 31-14. Afterward, Philadelphia head coach Andy Reid was so ashamed that he shaved off his mustache and tried to disguise himself as a normal fat guy, but the plan failed when a group of Patriots fans heckled him for his foot fetish.
After the frenetic highs of Week 12, Rivalry Week was a slow coming-down party. In 16 games involving ranked teams, there wasn't a single upset -- at least by the rankings. Most of the games weren't even close. The rich got richer, the poor got poorer, and several avenues of escape were cut off.