In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Tim Duncan scored 21 points and Tony Parker added 17 as the Spurs moved on to the Western Conference Dinals with a 102-99 win (and a 4-0 sweep) over the Clippers. After the win, Duncan sneaked off to the parking lot, sat in the backseat of his minivan, and filled a plastic cup to the halfway line with red wine. "This is your moment, Tim," he whispered to himself. "Enjoy." He took one sip, stared at the wine, and whispered, "Don't be a glutton" before carefully pouring the rest back in the bottle.
Minor league umpires are much like minor league players. When they finally get a chance to prove their stuff in the big leagues, they want to succeed. The biggest difference is, when a player gets the call he wants to do something spectacular to impress his bosses. The mark of a great umpire is when no one notices him at all.
Chris Conroy got noticed. Normally a Triple-A umpire, Conroy got called up as a vacation replacement for this week's Cubs-Cardinals series. He hadn't had many chances before — 16 games in 2011, just one in 2010. He'd been on the periphery for an egregiously bad call last year, when crew mate Phil Cuzzi awarded a three-ball walk to Cameron Maybin, who later came around to score the only run in a 1-0 Padres win. But for Conroy, a first-inning play at the plate Tuesday night was worse. Much worse.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The NBA suspended Lakers forward Metta World Peace for seven games after he elbowed James Harden on Sunday. Terrorists, who only saw the headline "World Peace Suspended for 7 Days," released a statement saying it was too short, but that what the hell, they'd take it.
We use the term Game of the Night loosely in this case. Cliff Lee and Matt Cain gave us a hellacious pitcher's duel in San Francisco, and Bartolo Colon threw 38 (!!!) strikes in a row in a monster start against the Angels. We'll do our best to get you a taste of both those games later today. Here's the one game we actually watched beginning to end.
Quick, name the 10 most underrated players in baseball. Is Jaime Garcia on your list? Because you can make a strong case he belongs there.
Welcome to the inaugural edition of Grantland's weekly MLB Power Rankings. Every Monday we'll size up all 30 teams, evaluating each one based on a combination of recent play, overall team quality, and statistical spelunking.
We've already established the limitations of small samples and how tough it is to glean useful information from one game. But occasionally, we can in fact learn some things from a single game, when we're watching something we've never seen before. For Wednesday night's Marlins-Cardinals game (Cardinals 4, Marlins 1), that something was Marlins Park.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
In the first major league baseball game of the regular season on American soil, Kyle Lohse pitched six no-hit innings and lasted into the eighth as the St. Louis Cardinals beat the Miami Marlins 4-1. It was the first regular-season game in the new Marlins Park with the new Miami name, and it led to this conversation:
Which two sporting events would you say draw the most betting interest in your circle of family and friends? Gotta be the Super Bowl and March Madness, right? If you don't enter some kind of Super Bowl squares pool or at least bet five bucks on the game with a buddy, the Un-American Activities Committee will hunt you down. If you don't wager a couple bucks on the office bracket pool and you're caught, pretty sure you automatically get deported.
In baseball's busiest day since the end of the winter meetings, one team might have landed the biggest bargain of the offseason, another might have overpaid and still come out happy with the outcome, and one of our favorite athletes trolled the hell out of tens of thousands of people.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
In what may have been his last home game as a Colt, Reggie Wayne grabbed the game-winning touchdown reception in a stunning 19-16 win over the Texans. The Colts are now tied with the Vikings and Rams for the worst record in the NFL, ensuring that we'll probably have to hear the spiritually unsettling phrase "suck for Luck" over and over in the next two weeks until we suffer a mental breakdown.
The St. Louis Cardinals won two World Series under Tony La Russa. Only two managers ever won more games than La Russa. At the time of his retirement, La Russa's 16 years with the Cardinals was the longest-running tenure for any manager with any team. Whatever one thought about La Russa's personality or tactics as a manager, one thing was clear: The Cardinals believed in continuity, and TLR rewarded them for that belief.
Naturally, when the time came to replace La Russa, the Cardinals locked in on one candidate: Mike Matheny, the choice with exactly zero full-time managing or coaching experience, at any level.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Penn State trustees met regarding the scandal that has overtaken Penn State football. The New York Times reported that the university is planning Joe Paterno's exit. Amid the growing furor on campus and around the country, Bobby Bowden delicately suggested that the best solution for everyone involved would be for Paterno to vacate, say, 40 wins or so.
For the past several years my two favorite Jesuses have been my landscaper and the Jesus who gives rappers MTV awards. But look out! There's a new Jesus in town and this guy fucking loves sports. I know this by how many people I see praying to him during various tense moments at sporting events. This year's World Series was a phenomenal affair full of hits, strikeouts, home runs, facial hair, ugly necklaces, and some major league praying by the Texas Ranger and St. Louis Cardinal fans. I almost feel silly for saving my prayers for things like the safety and health of my family and friends or the desire for peace in our world. I had no idea I could be praying for Juan Pablo Montoya (my favorite driver, yes I like NASCAR, get over it) to win races or praying for the Houston Astros to not suck. I feel like such a idiot. Now, I always kind of assumed Jesus was a sports nut since he gave so many athletes the ability to jump, run fast, knock up chicks, and catch sports balls, so why wouldn't he want to see an exciting World Series that goes to a Game 7?
I'm not 100 percent sure how sports prayers work, so I'm just gonna make some shit up. My most important finding: people who have cameras on them at the games have more pull than the people at home praying. Clearly more St. Louis Cardinals fans were praying than Texas Ranger fans because the Cardinals won the World Series. I really wanted the Rangers to win (because I'm from Texas), but I think I used up all my prayer points on the Turkey earthquake victims (which was so stupid of me). I was certain the Texas Rangers would end up winning the World Series, on account of Jesus' love for Dallas-based sports teams. It's long been said that Texas Stadium has an opening in the roof so that God can watch his favorite team play on Sundays (after church, of course). Then the Dallas Mavericks won the NBA championship this year, which made me believe fans of Dallas teams "sports pray" better than most other teams. (Of course, the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Lakers have some pretty good Jesus pull too. Rudy Giuliani and Jack Nicholson's prayers must count way more than the average fan because they've won so many championships, made so much money, and their players score crazy amounts of poon )
As Game 7 of the World Series ended and the St. Louis Cardinals became the 2011 World Series Champions, I imagined several Texas Ranger fans looking to the sky and asking Jesus why he would do this to them. Jesus knew how hard they had prayed for the outcome of a game children play to go their way. I know many Texas Ranger fans are questioning their faith now. The Rangers lost, the Cowboys season isn't going that great (See: the Eagles handing them their ass on Sunday night), and now the NBA is in a lockout so the Mavericks might not be able to win another championship. I'm beginning to really feel for fans of Dallas-based sports teams; probably ought to say a quick prayer for them. Seriously, I never understand why bad things happen to good people. Amen.
Jenny Johnson is a television news producer and comedy writer living in Houston, Texas. She's adorable, foul-mouthed and can do 20 girly-style push-ups. Follow Jenny's filthy humor on Twitter at @JennyJohnsonHi5
The multi-talented Joe Posnanski, writer and podcaster for Sports Illustrated and SI.com, joins the podcast this week. With a book about Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, we get JoePo's take on JoePa breaking the all-time Division I record for coaching wins. Poz then weighs in on the legacy of Eddie Robinson (the previous record-holder), the impact Joe and Sue Paterno have had on State College beyond the football field, and the unlikely success of this year's Nittany Lions team.
Then we dive into World Series talk. What the hell happened with BullpenPhoneGate? Where does Game 6 rank among the most exciting games of all-time? What did August 24 Joe Posnanski think about the Cardinals' World Series chances? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that the best team, more often than not, doesn't win the World Series anymore? Finally, Joe serves up some controversial Power Rankings, breaking down his top five sporting events to cover.
