1. Brownish, Gingery Playoff Beards: Grow One

Just look at these bros, says Rembert Browne! Specifically, look at their beards! Writes Rembert:

The Los Angeles Kings won the Stanley Cup this week. After they won, they took off those helmet things and showed the world two things: (1) pure elation, and (2) brownish, gingery beards.

As someone who can only grow a horizontal Afro mustache, looking at these men and their crazy beards is quite emasculating, which is appropriate because hockey players have long made me feel like a little boy. I hope they resist the urge to shave for their trip to the White House and completely emasculate President Obama, causing him to sprout Cornel West face.