In case you were busy settling up with Alamo Rent A Car after just driving, man, went horribly awry, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• The Los Angeles Lakers' troubled season continued, as forward Pau Gasol has been ruled out for at least six weeks after tearing his plantar fascia. Back in the Lakers' locker room, a frustrated Mike D'Antoni was confused by the diagnosis. "Oh, first Dwight is in and out of the lineup with undiagnosable shoulder pain, and now Pau tears a damn ribbon, and he won't play?" said D'Antoni, whose native tongue is Italian. "No, coach," interjected Lakers point guard Steve Nash, "I'm pretty sure fascia in English refers to the frieze of a building. Or like, the space around a column? His home must have suffered some cosmetic exterior damage, and that can be a real pain to deal with." D'Antoni countered, "Well, that's no reason to miss six weeks; with the amount he's paid, that's one week out tops." Metta World Peace then chimed in: "I don't mean to be a bother, but fascia can also mean 'bandage' in Latin. Perhaps we should give the Spaniard the benefit of the doubt and assume that he ripped a bandage, and then got one of those antibiotic-resistant infections." A dark hooded figure then emerged from the corner of the room, and bellowed, "Stai zitto!" A hush fell over the room until World Peace asked, "What's that mean, Kobe?" Bryant, deflated, responded, "It means 'shut up,' Ron. In Italian. Man, why'd you have to ruin my badass entrance. Whatever. All that matters is that Pau is feeling pain. Do we know whether or not he's feeling pain?" At this point Gasol himself got up from the trainer's table and said, "Uh, guys, I'm right here, and it's just a foot injury. I should be back in March." But his rational explanation came too late, as Kobe had already decided he was owed pain.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.

• The L.A. Lakers hired former Phoenix Suns and New York Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni to replace Mike Brown. In his basement, Dwight Howard took down the complex pyramid of surveillance photos and connection lines and case notes from his bulletin board, stored them in a cardboard box marked "The Brown Investigation," and replaced them with a sheet of paper on which he'd written a single word: "D'Antoni?"

It was all good just two weeks ago — West Virginia 70, Baylor 63. Georgia 51, Tennessee 44. Texas 41, Oklahoma State 36. Miami 44, North Carolina State 37. Unexpectedly close wins by Louisville, Boise State, and Oregon State; Washington and Cincinnati pulling late stunners; the MAC going full-blown Arena Football. It was college football as imagined by a 16-year-old NCAA Football 13 fiend. Defense was optional, each game suspiciously contested, and all AI sliders tweaked to ensure it resembled the NFL in no way, shape, or form.

And then, the retribution of last weekend: The blowouts were joyless and lacked humor, the close games were water-gun duels of offensive ineptitude disguised as defensive struggles. God bless West Virginia, as always.

In the midst of this bipolarity, this edition of the Misery Index does not necessarily feature the most depressed teams in each conference. That would be too easy and also would make this is a de facto Kansas fan blog every single time out. No, this is more about finding some sort of balance in between the dizzying highs and the terrifying lows. And when surveying this rich range of emotion, we absolutely have to start with Spin Doctors.

Things are already not going well for Charlie Weis at Kansas.

After KU got beat by TCU over the weekend, only the most Panglossian of Jayhawks could look at the school's 1-2 record and say, "Hey, we're halfway to matching last year's win total."

Kansas’s 20-6 loss to TCU appears deceptively respectable when you normalize it against the Vegas line that had the Horned Frogs as 21-point favorites. But, with three red zone turnovers, including a fumble out of the back of the end zone by TCU QB Casey Pachall as he was walking in for a score, and a missed chip shot field goal, TCU made a considerable effort to piss away their Big 12 conference debut.

As the long, hot summer drags on, we here at The Triangle figured we’d provide a steady stream of NFL goodness as a reminder of the light at the end of the baseball-lined tunnel.

In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.

• Jeremy Lin continued to amaze and electrify, dishing out a career-high 13 assists to go along with 10 points in a 100-85 Knicks win over the Sacramento Kings. After the game, in an attempt to reclaim his status as America's basketball darling, Kings guard Jimmer Fredette released a series of adorable pictures with puppies. I'm not saying it worked, and I'm not saying it didn't work, but I'll trade a "Jimmer With Labradoodle on Sofa" print for anything from the Black Lab Cuddle Sessions.

Here are the main takeaways from Saturday:

1. It's tough to be a kicker.
2. The 2-point conversion is a cruel mistress.
3. The marquee games disappointed, but everything else delivered.

I feel bad giving the Oregon-Stanford blowout short shrift, but the result can really be summed up in two words: speed kills. The Stanford run defense, which had been one of the nation's best prior to facing Oregon, gave up 232 yards. From the size of the holes LaMichael James was exploiting, it felt like Stanford was playing a prevent defense all game. In fact, if you'll let me brag for a moment (and I hope you will, because I'm so often wrong), everything I predicted in the preview essentially came true. The words of the prophet:

I think bragging is a terrible offense. There's nothing worse than someone who can't have a minor success without broadcasting it to the world. It's a sign of deep insecurity and shallow character. Boasters, braggarts, and grandstanders are the worst people in the world. I'd never have one as my friend.

Which is why I'm not going to get into the results from my Week 5 preview. Was I a perfect three-for-three in upset predictions, calling wins for Auburn, Kansas State, and Pittsburgh? Sorry, that's not for me to say. Did I pick Clemson's win at Virginia Tech, Wisconsin's effortless romp, Alabama's domination of the Gators, the wild unpredictability of A&M and Arkansas, and Illinois' tenuous hold on an undefeated record? Who knows, man. Who knows. If it were true, I wouldn't flaunt that record here. It's not my place. And if people* want to go around saying I'm some kind of expert with a sixth sense about the game, that's their business. As a professional, I try to stay outside that fray.

*My mom.

I'm just here to be humble and talk college football. Let's get to the Week 5 action.