In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Oklahoma City rallied from seven points down, and Kevin Durant scored the winning basket with 18 seconds left, in a 77-75 win over the Lakers. "How you like me now, Seattle?!" said Russell Westbrook, just because he hadn't been a real dick in a while.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
On a night when Kobe Bryant was hampered with a stomach issue, Ty Lawson scored 32 points and the Nuggets forced a Game 7 with a 113-96 win over the Lakers. "It sucks when you're sick for a big playoff game, doesn't it?" said Michael Jordan, in a really sarcastic phone call to Bryant. "So hard to play well. So hard to win. Hey, good luck man. Good luck with everything. Jordan out."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
LeBron James scored 29 points, grabbed eight boards, and dished out seven assists as the Heat eliminated the Knicks with a 106-94 Game 5 win. After the game, Amar'e Stoudemire stood with clenched fists near a wall in the locker room where three fire extinguishers were hung in close proximity. "Why dost thou tempt me, Lord?!?!" he screamed to the ceiling, before concussing himself with a head-butt.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Josh Hamilton hit four home runs — only the 16th time that feat has been accomplished in major league history — in a 10-3 win over the Orioles. "This seems like as good a time as any to start collapsing," said Orioles manager Buck Showalter, as his players nodded in agreement. "I mean, if that's not a sign … four home runs? Come on. See you in 2013. Maybe."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
The Clippers finished with a 28-3 run to stun the Grizzlies 99-98 in Memphis and take a 1-0 lead in the first round of the NBA playoffs. It didn't help matters that a fatigued Zach Randolph spent the final eight minutes in a laundry bin, rowing himself up and down the court with a broom he stole from the custodial closet.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The NBA suspended Lakers forward Metta World Peace for seven games after he elbowed James Harden on Sunday. Terrorists, who only saw the headline "World Peace Suspended for 7 Days," released a statement saying it was too short, but that what the hell, they'd take it.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
On Saturday, Philip Humber tossed baseball's 21st perfect game in a 4-0 White Sox win over the Mariners. After the game, the ghost of Ford Frick rose from the dead and placed an asterisk next to Humber's accomplishment, saying, "ooooo-ooo-ooo, the Mariners suck, ooo-oooo-oooo."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Notes kept by Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long during his investigation show that former head coach Bobby Petrino's relationship with his assistant began with a kiss over lunch last fall. "Hi, I'm Bobby Petrino," the coach said immediately afterward. "Thanks for not being weird when I kissed you just now."
You might have heard the Texas Rangers are selling a 24-inch-long hot dog called the Boomstick. “Where’s the big one?” I asked Arlington concession stand workers the other night, holding my hands apart about two feet. They pointed me down the first-base line. There, sizzling on a flat top, I saw Boomsticks, looking as plump as their namesake, Nelson Cruz.
The Boomstick is served in a cardboard carrying case with two handles. The case looks like one a photographer uses to carry a tripod, or — maybe a better metaphor — an assassin uses to hide his rifle. The Boomstick is nearly impossible to pick up with tongs. You could watch concessions stand workers do this for nine innings and never get bored. You do not eat the Boomstick plain. You eat it with sautéed onions, chili, cheese. The price is $26. The Rangers sold 191 of them on Opening Day.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The Miami Marlins suspended manager Ozzie Guillen five games for positive comments he made about Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Right before Guillen went out to address the media, a frantic PR person desperately tried to convince him to take off the green military cap and lose the cigar. "Oh come onnnn," said Guillen. "It'll be hilarious!" When the items were confiscated, he frowned and began to think.
In case Yu were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
In his major league debut, Japanese phenom Yu Darvish overcame some early nerves to reach the sixth inning and help the Rangers secure an 11-5 win over the Mariners. Despite the victory, it was an unpleasant experiences for fans in Arlington, who upon hearing the name "Yu!" would turn and say, "Me?" "No, Yu," the person would respond, and the other guy would be like, "That's what I'm asking, me?" "No, I'm talking about Yu!" the first guy said, until a third guy was like, "SON OF A BITCH, HE MEANS YU DARVISH THE PITCHER! I HATE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO AND WORDPLAY SO MUCH!" And that's when the guns came out.
Second baseman Ian Kinsler said he and the Rangers have agreed to a five-year, $75 million contract. "That's $75 million for Yu," the Rangers contract negotiator said, pushing the paper forward. Kinsler eyed him suspiciously as he signed. "For me, right?" The negotiator made a head motion that was almost like a nod. "All for Yu," he said, as he grabbed the signed contract. "Wait ... did I just sign over $75 million of my own money to Yu Darvish?" asked a panicked Kinsler. "Don't be Darvish-culous," said the negotiator as he sprinted out the door.
Welcome to the inaugural edition of Grantland's weekly MLB Power Rankings. Every Monday we'll size up all 30 teams, evaluating each one based on a combination of recent play, overall team quality, and statistical spelunking.
Gail Mazur once wrote, "Baseball holds so much of the past, pulls me back to it each year, to the soothing unclocked unrolling of the innings, to the sound of an announcer through an open car in May …"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The Baylor Bears became the first college basketball team to ever compile a 40-0 record and win the national championship. Brittney Griner's 26 points and 13 boards helped her team to an 80-61 victory over Stanford Notre Dame, and earned the undefeated Bears a permanent place in the history books. "Alright, just say it," said the Washington Wizards. "You think they could beat us too, right? Just say it, damn you!"
After five decades of existence in D.C. and in Texas without winning a single pennant, the Rangers have stormed to the World Series in each of the past two seasons. More impressively, this is a team with success that's built to last. Through shrewd drafting, scouting, international spending, player development, and trades, the Rangers built the best organization. Over the past few years, they've graduated scads of impressive young players to the majors. Yet the Rangers still have baseball's most loaded farm system, per Baseball America. When that next generation of players arrives, expert instruction awaits. When the time comes for those players to negotiate their first big contracts, the Rangers will have more than enough funds to keep the best of the bunch.
The 2012 Rangers do have a few question marks, with last year's ace leaving, several regression candidates still here, some nagging spring injuries, and the fortification of their chief rivals. But there's World Series upside on this roster. Again.
