In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Andy Murray won his first career Grand Slam, outlasting Novak Djokovic in a five-set marathon to take the U.S. Open title. The Scottish Murray credited his win to watching the inspirational parts from Braveheart before the match, while Djokovic blamed his loss on watching scenes from the depressing Serbian silent art house film A Lifetime of Sidewalks.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Peyton Manning threw his first two touchdowns as a Bronco, and the 400th and 401st of his career, in a 31-19 victory over the Steelers. After the game, Peyton received a phone call from someone with a high-pitched voice saying, "Ooooh, mister, you look so sexy in orange. You are like a big stupid carrot." Peyton's face clouded over. "Cut it out, Eli, you little dingus, or I'll tell dad!" he screamed, drawing stares from his teammates.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
The Baltimore Orioles used three home runs in the eighth inning to break open a tie ball game and surge to a 10-6 win over the Yankees. With 25 games left in the season, the teams are now tied atop the AL East. "It's getting really tense," A-Rod admitted after the game, shaking his head. "It's a puzzle I just can't solve … the orange, it really … it really baffles me. I mean, sometimes I wake up, know it's going to be a bad day without any progress, and I can't help but hate the game. Maybe I'll never solve this one. It's been almost two decades for me, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah … I think the love is gone. And what does that leave for me, A-Rod? What else can someone like me ever do? Nothing. I'm boxed in. What black-hearted bastard invented you, Rubik's Cube?"
If I said I’d picked Tomas Berdych to beat Roger Federer last night, I’d be lying. But the Andy Murray freak-out against Marin Cilic was actually more surprising, even if Murray handled Cilic easily in the end. Federer was having a terrible night — he can really shank his forehand — and Berdych has tremendous talent. He hits ground strokes with the speed of serves. Last night, a few of his returns embarrassed the great Federer.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
In the opening game of the NFL season, Tony Romo threw for 307 yards and three touchdowns — two of them to unheralded receiver Kevin Ogletree — as the Cowboys beat the Giants 24-17. On the Giants side, rookie running back David Wilson wept after a first-quarter fumble, but later admitted he had been listening to the song "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor on tiny headphones. "That part where she sings it really high?" asked Wilson, rhetorically, before sobbing again. He then turned and saw a deflated Tom Coughlin with his head in his hands a few seats down. "See? It gets him, too!"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Today, we'll be auditioning an assortment of new characters who have contacted us about being part of About Last Night. If any of them have tremendous popular appeal, they may become a regular part of the ALN universe.
Mark Reynolds hit a three-run homer, Zach Britton pitched seven scoreless innings, and the Orioles grabbed a share of first place in September for the first time since 1997 after a 12-0 win over the Blue Jays. Character: Internet cynic who uses the phrase "you know" to devastating effect. Joke: Um … good work? I mean, yeah, sure, let's all jump on the Orioles bandwagon and pretend their terrible owner hasn't dragged their terrible fan base through, you know, 15 years of miserable management and losing baseball. The truth is, this is what they were supposed to be doing the whole time. So, you know, sorry if I don't wear orange and dance in the streets. Maybe this is a novel concept, but I'm not going to break out the party hats just because a team started to, you know, do their job. You know.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Quarterback Logan Thomas led no. 16 Virginia Tech back from the brink of defeat with two key drives as the Hokies beat Georgia Tech 17-14 in overtime. Unfortunately, the celebrations on the Blacksburg campus got a little out of hand late Monday night when Virginia Tech students began throwing upholstered hay bales out their dorm windows.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
In the first night of the college football season, Marcus Lattimore ran for 110 yards and two touchdowns as no. 9 South Carolina held off Vanderbilt 17-13. I've never done this before, but Terrence the Grantland Robot, who can't type in lowercase letters and has recently overcome some personal issues, asked me if he could have the lead joke, and I agreed. I'm nervous, but go ahead Terrence: "BEEEP-BOOP-BOP-BEEEP. BEEEP-BOP-BOOOP-BIP-BIP. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM ME, AMERICA?! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? 'MAKE ROBOT NOISES, ROBOT!' YOU'RE ALL RACISTS AND I HATE YOU! THAT'S RIGHT, 'ROBOT' IS A RACE. BEEEP-BOOOP-BOP-BOP!" ("Robot" is not a race, Terrence.)
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Good morning. In today's installment of About Last Night, we're lucky enough to have renowned sports comedy critic Fenwick Vaughnagan on hand to analyze and critique every one of Ryan's jokes. Vaughnagan was born in Caerwys, Wales, and earned international fame for his controversial first book, "You Can't Joke About Rugby, Mate." He moved to America in 1985, and has worked for the Miami Standard-Tribune ever since. Last year, he won the Chloe Herbst Memorial Humour Award for his debut novel "Field of Screams: A Murderous Romp Through America's Ballparks."
Note: Due to space limitations, we weren't able to include Ryan's joke and Vaughnagan's critique, so the actual jokes have been omitted.
Bryce Harper hit two home runs and was ejected for spiking his helmet — both career firsts — as the Nationals ended a five-game losing streak with an 8-4 win over the Marlins. CRITIQUE: "Ryan starts out a bit weak here, it must be said, with a tenuous and rather offensive connection between Harper and former president Jimmy Carter that wouldn't have drawn a laugh even among the yokels at the 1980 Republican convention. And at the risk of sounding like a prude, was it really necessary to use the word f--- 18 times in one sentence?"
I am not a naturally inquisitive person. Sometimes, this leads to situations that could easily be avoided with questions like “Where are we going?” and “Is the blindfold really necessary?” Occasionally though, it’s the source of a steady stream of surprises. As I rode the train to the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center Monday night, I realized I knew only three details about the next few hours.
1. Our U.S. Open tickets said seven o'clock, so we would be late. 2. The tickets were provided by Heineken, so there would probably be beer. 3. The beer would most likely be Heineken.
The dearth of knowledge was perfect — not because I only wanted to drink and watch tennis, but because my trip to the U.S. Open was about 20 years in the making. I’d spent the majority of my life taking in Flushing Meadows by way of my television, so now that I was here I wanted it all to unfold as organically as possible. Then, just before we exited the train, my friend Matt casually mentioned how excited he was to see Roger play in person.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Yankees GM Brian Cashman told a New York radio host that he "wasn't surprised" that former players Bartolo Colon and Melky Cabrera were suspended for PEDs after spikes in performance.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Red-hot Mariners ace Felix Hernandez tossed a five-hit, complete game shutout as the M's squeaked by the Twins 1-0. In related news, Las Vegas is now a bankrupt ghost town after more than 100 million gamblers placed significant bets on the Mariners-Twins game ending 1-0.
Maybe it has to do with the sport's ties to the British Isles, but I've always thought golf was closest to its essence in nasty weather. Clear skies are best for the players, sure, but there's something romantic and even nostalgic about seeing them wind- and rain-battered, hitting low shots as they squint into the overcast horizon, overpowered by the elements. That's why I was excited that this year's U.S. Open took place at The Olympic Club in San Francisco, and why the first three sunny days left me a bit empty. We were promised fog!
It finally crept in Sunday, and the dark skies and heavy air set the stage for an ugly final round, where Raleigh's Webb Simpson stole a major title from seasoned contenders such as Jim Furyk and Graeme McDowell.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports over the weekend.
Raleigh native Webb Simpson posted a final-round 68 and watched as the leaders faltered on a tough day at The Olympic Club, handing him the U.S. Open. "Well, golly gee, if that ain't just ol' Webby all the way, lucking into a gol-dang tournament on the foggiest day this side of a North Carolina holler!" said Simpson, the Wake Forest graduate who is trying hard to build his brand as a comical country bumpkin. "Jiminy cricket! I reckon they'll be firing up the fancy tractors and gettin' all likkered up in their Sunday overalls back home! Yessireebob! We're gonna jump in that crick like it's our mammy's birthday! Whippity-snip, zippedy-doo, smackety-bip and a cock-a-doodle-doo!"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
LeBron James scored 32 points, including four in the critical final minutes, as the Heat evened the NBA Finals with a 100-96 win over the Thunder. In the aftermath, tragedy struck when James Harden was hooked, reeled in, and fried by avid fisherman Karl Malone. "When I saw him flopping around on the TV, I knew this would be my greatest challenge yet," said Malone. "But I baited him with a flavored referee's whistle, and man, he was all over it."
