In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Justin Verlander pitched 8.1 strong innings, allowing just one run and three hits, as the Tigers beat the Yankees 2-1 to take a 3-0 lead in the ALCS. "Our pitchers really let us down by allowing two runs," said benched slugger Nick Swisher, attempting to change the narrative of the massive Yankee failure. "You're not going to win a game when your pitchers give up two runs. Dicks."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Scott Rolen's fielding error allowed Buster Posey to score the winning run as the Giants beat the Reds 2-1 in 10 innings to avoid elimination in the NLDS. Now that's what I call a "Dust-Buster"! Because he beat Dusty Baker's team, and his name is Bust … hey, screw you, that kind of stuff kills overseas! Kills!
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Adam Jones bashed an 11th-inning home run to lead the Orioles past the Mariners 3-1 and give the club its 15th straight extra-innings win, the longest streak in MLB since Cleveland won 17 straight in 1949. "I see what's happening here," said 1949 Indians manager Lou Boudreau, in hell. "My soul's not good enough for you anymore, is that it?" Satan sighed. "It's not like that, Lou," he said. "But I'm the devil … and the devil gots to get his soul on, you know?" Boudreau frowned. "Oh, don't start talking like you're some big hot shot. Fine, run off with some younger soul, see if it makes you happy." Boudreau crossed his arms and turned away, and Satan fumed. "Maybe I will!" he shouted. "And maybe he'll actually put some effort into the meals he cooks for me! I'm sick of eating this creamed corn every goddamn night. This creamed corn is shit, Lou! It's shit!" At that, Boudreau broke down in tears and ran away when Satan tried to awkwardly apologize.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
J.J. Hardy hit two home runs and a double as the Orioles beat the Rays 9-2 and moved back into a tie for first in the AL East. Hardy's brother Frank went 1-4 with a single as their stoic dad Fenton looked on from the stands, and their plump pal Chet Morton stayed in the dugout practicing card tricks, his latest crazy hobby.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Andy Murray won his first career Grand Slam, outlasting Novak Djokovic in a five-set marathon to take the U.S. Open title. The Scottish Murray credited his win to watching the inspirational parts from Braveheart before the match, while Djokovic blamed his loss on watching scenes from the depressing Serbian silent art house film A Lifetime of Sidewalks.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Tim Tebow was introduced to the New York media on Monday and told them that there is no quarterback controversy between Mark Sanchez and him. "Just like there's no Jesus controversy between Jesus and Mark Sanchez," he said, winking. "But seriously, I do forgive him."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Tiger Woods grew testy when questioned about former swing coach Hank Haney's new book, refusing to answer questions but ending one interview by saying, "you're a beauty" and "have a good day." Which is not markedly different from a lot of his prior interactions, but in the past there used to be like six sweaty minutes between the two phrases.
