Plus, you can take your honeymoon in a less crowded season and really feel like you're on a vacation: Traveling in the summer is great, too, of course, but things are also way more laid back that time of year at the office, so you don't get to escape quite the same level of drudgery.
Most important, you won't have to spend your whole summer avoiding lobster rolls at the beach and turning down piña coladas by the pool to lose weight for your early-September wedding. Instead, you'll be at prime skinnymininess just in time for the start of bikini season and can then slowly embark on the cherished marital tradition of letting yourself go. Make that Fourth of July cheeseburger a double!
Nor will you have to pass up figgy pudding, whatever that is, or the other various holiday-season delights, even despite the earlier wedding date. That's because long, drawn-out, lose-a-half-pound-a-week, "lifestyle change" diets are for suckers. The new craze, outlined in the New York Times, is far more efficient: 10 days on a FEEDING TUBE.
"In March, Jessica Schnaider, 41, of Surfside, Fla., was preparing to shop for a wedding gown by spending eight days on a feeding tube," the article says underneath a picture of Schnaider sitting serenely as a designer plastic tube gets snaked up her right nostril. Hot! (This picture is wonderful too.) Even hotter:
It uses a nasogastric tube (a tube that goes through the nose and down the esophagus into the stomach) to provide all nourishment, with no carbohydrates, for 10 days. Dr. Di Pietro said body weight is lost quickly through ketosis, the state in which the body burns fat rather than sugar. Patients at his office are monitored during the 10-day period for things like constipation, bad breath and dizziness.
I love that. No better way to prepare for your special day than vertigo and a scorching case of halitosis.
"People think I'm sick, I'm dying," the article quotes Ms. Schnaider as saying, before adding that "she refrained from going into her daughters' school" while wearing her totally tubular (sorry) accessory. "'The children, they would be scared.'"
The kids are all right.
There were several notable proposal stories this month. One guy popped the question on the Speaker of the House's balcony in the U.S. Capitol. And this chocolate-loving couple's proposal included "a dark chocolate ring with a white chocolate diamond." That's all fine and good, but the groom's plan was a risky proposition: The night began with a "fake proposal" in which he got down on one knee, took her hand, and "instead of proposing handed her his glove, and then tied his shoelace."
PEOPLE, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Women have been driven into the arms of another for far less. Even knowing that the night had a happy ending, I still can't shake the alternate reality in which she throws his glove on the ground, makes some awful speech about how if he's never going to propose to her she might as well tell him all the awful reasons she didn't want to marry him anyway, breaks up with him on the spot, and storms out of the room. At least he could eat the chocolate ring for consolation, I guess.
Another groom, a cartoonist, orchestrated a very sweet setup involving his comic strip that his grumpy and glasses-less bride nearly botched. (I don't wear glasses, by the way, but I'm intrigued by the completely incapacitated world of those who do: When my best friend told us how she was woken up on Christmas morning a few years ago at like 6 a.m. with her now-husband bearing a ring, the first thing our other friend asked was, "Wait, were you wearing your glasses?!" Are you people really that blind?)
And then there was the Wu-Woo proposal, which wasn't exactly picturesque — think a slip on ice, a busted-up mouth, and a sobbing mom — but it worked, and the phrase "teeth or no teeth" even made its way into their vows. This column, by the way, has the world's greatest photo caption, as well as one of the best corrections I've ever read:
The Vows Column last Sunday, about the marriage of Jennifer Wu and Andy Woo, misidentified the Legoland theme park Mr. Woo wanted to visit. It is the one in California, not the one in Florida. (As the article correctly noted elsewhere, his bachelor party was at the Florida park, which opened later.)
And while it wasn't a proposal, there's something so great about this announcement, which basically explains that for airline employees, there's another Life Step somewhere between Starting Dating and Moving in Together and Getting Engaged — Giving Free Flights. "In the past, my best friends were the ones listed for this benefit," said the would-be groom, who works for JetBlue. "They were all shocked when I asked them to relinquish their buddy passes for a girl." Sorry, broheims, but you know what they say: mile-high clubs before schlubs.
Here is this month's Society Scorecard, prepared based on the rubric of our proprietary NUPTIALS algorithm:
A few other observations, which I'll sprinkle here like so many rose petals
"We don't want any publicity," the Reverend Dr. Arthur Lee Kinsolving, rector of posh St. James's in New York and a confirmed Fisherite, says with a discreet shudder. "Publicity ruined Newport and Bar Harbor."
Among the summer residents are the Roger Firestones, the Jerrold T. Bryces, the Jansen Noyeses (senior and junior), the Grant Simmonses ("she's Horlick's malted milk and he's beds"), the Cass Canfields and a dozen du Ponts (including Pierre S. III, Reynolds, Willis H., Mrs. George de F. Lord Jr., Mrs. W. F. Harrington and Mrs. Richard E. Riegel). To such folk Fishers offers a respite from the cares of capitalism.
"When he came home from college totally buff with bleach blond hair and tortoiseshell glasses, they were like: something's up," said his sister, Melissa Kushner. "Then he said he was gay, and it was like, well, should we be upset about him being gay or about his bleached hair?"
(That couple totally earned their two NUPTIALS points for looking like brother and brother, by the way.)
1. "vanderbilt, united nations, navy, department of energy"
2. "bain, brown, harvard, played piano and sang mustang sally"
3. "delray beach, episcopal, middlebury, wharton, hedge fund" (Full disclosure, I actually used to work with that bride at Goldman. Hi, Kea!)
4. "bus, tulane, met hiking machu piccu, both training for marathon"
5. "gay rights, lesbians, firefighter, antiques, maine, summa cum laude."